And Now There's 4

Even as I'm typing out that title, I'm sobbing.  Sobbing because I can't fathom going through this 4 more times.  Four more times of boarding a plane, allowing people to inject me full of poison, come home, feel like absolute crap for over a week, and then try to put myself back together again, only to feel back to normal right before I have to go through it again.

To say I've been struggling with a few things the past week and a half is an understatement.  If you're reading my blog hoping to be uplifted today, I need to apologize profusely.  I'm all out of optimism right now, so maybe it's best you skip this post.  To say I'm clinging to hope is an understatement, I'm on the ledge of a choice and it's a steep drop to the bottom.

I've been trying to stay positive through this process - keep telling myself tomorrow will be better.  Focus on all the blessings, all the gifts that God has given us through this process, and He has in so many unbelievable ways.  We have amazing support from our family, our church, our friends, so many praying.  Which is why I feel so bad to feel so bad.  What kind of gratitude am I demonstrating?  But real is real and right now I'm mad, hurt, scared, and really, really want to revert back to using all those 4 letter words I used to use in circumstances such as these.

So, this morning I've been chatting with God about this - minus the 4 letter words.  I've been laying it all out for Him today.  How mad at Him I am that I have this. How scared I am about my future.  How unfair I think it is to make Joe go through this again.  How I feel like a whiny petulant child.  How I know that these feelings can change.  How I understand that life is about struggles, and that these refine us, etc. etc. and overall just generally beating myself up for feeling the way I'm feeling, etc.  And let me tell you, I can turn self-loathing into an art form.

Then this song pops up on my Pandora station just now and causes me to pause and process.  I'm not ungrateful or despicable, or any of the other thoughts that were circling around in my head, I'm just in the middle of the struggle and that's ok.

Thought I'd share it for those that are struggling and berating themselves in the process...  https://youtu.be/UUEy8nZvpdM

Now I'm not saying everything is currently sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows, but I have stepped back from the ledge, gained some perspective, some hope, and I pray that you will also.

Thank you Lord!

2 Corinthians 12:9-10  But he said to me,  “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.