Humility is defined as:
A modest or low view of one's own importance; humbleness.
Synonyms include: modest, meekness, unassertiveness, lack of pride, servility, etc.
Meekness, unassertiveness, lack of pride, servility... I don't like those words. They don't sit particularly well with me. I've always prided myself in being independent. Strong, capable, able to accomplish and do whatever I wish; a "strong" woman.
Being a person who struggles with type A tendencies that can turn quickly into being overbearing, controlling, and impatient taking more things on that I should comes naturally to me. I'm a "doer," so I naturally don't feel like anything is too much. I'm unaccustomed to lethargy, loathe taking naps, and according to Joe have the wrong definition of down time. To quote someone very dear to me, I naturally can fall into the "me do" mentality. My view has always been, hand me the plate and I'll find the stick to spin it with. If need be, I'll make the stick myself.
And I truly thought cancer would be just another plate for me to spin. While I was treating it naturally through diet and supplements, it was. Life went on, plates were spinning, and I was balancing everything really well, no worries. Then it became clear that chemo would be needed.
Speaking with other individuals who had similar chemo treatments, I was optimistic that the level of disruption would be nominal, 2 or 3 days max. That was acceptable to me. My life could handle, or more truthfully I could handle that amount of disruption. I would be tired for a couple days and then back to normal life. I planned my treatments accordingly, and had back-up coverage at work to avoid as many conflicts as possible.
Then my first treatment hit. I quickly realized that my body's reaction to chemo would not be like the people I talked to. Out of 10 days, I worked 1/2 of 1 day. The majority of my time was spent sitting in a chair or lying on the couch; mindlessly watching t.v., or reading. I wasn't just tired I was physically and mentally ill - just walking around the block was a huge accomplishment. The mental darkness and depression, side effects of the steroids, is something I've never experienced, and the lack of energy, nausea, and dehydration caused by the other flu-like side effects was equally distressing. Joe had to take off work. My parents drove in on the weekend to help, and my co-workers had to pick up my slack. My plates had come crashing down and I had lost all my sticks. A very humbling experience for me, I couldn't "do" anything. My second treatment has been similar to the first.
There is a commonly used phrase that exists which states, "God will never give you more than you can handle." I don't agree with this statement. In fact, I believe the opposite is true. God will allow things in life that will be more than we can handle because we run the risk of believing we are so self-sufficient that we feel we don't need anybody, or more specifically, God. We also run the risk of taking pride in this self-reliance and equating our worth with our accomplishments. I am guilty of all of the above.
I'm not saying I'm happy about this, but I can say that through this I'm learning and continue to be refined and shaped. If you are like me and fight these times of struggle, take a moment and pray. It could be that God is using this struggle we can't handle to make us drop to our knees, humble ourselves, and cry out for help.
As I'm preparing for my third treatment this Thursday I've begrudgingly accepted the fact that the 10 days following will be more than I can handle. I pray that God will grant me the strength to continue treatment and ask continuously for Him to give me faith when I am discouraged and doubting.
Lord please meet me when the darkness comes...
"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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