So, it just dawned on me this evening that it's been a year. A year yesterday since I was diagnosed and our life shifted.
Within a year's time I've gone through chemo, had a few surgeries, radiation, and started a new job. I've met and grown close to so many wonderful people, cried with them, prayed with them; fought alongside them. There are also those that I used to see who are now gone.
At the end of this week I will travel to CTCA for another round of Herceptin and tests. These tests will help determine whether I have any damage to my heart from treatment (I doubt it), capture my bone density for baseline measurements for osteoporosis (due to Arimidex), and check to see if I have any cancer growing (I'm going with no).
Life right now is a weird juxtaposition of layers. Now that I'm done with the more aggressive treatments and surgeries, I've begun a new job. And while I'm thankful for the ability to work, it's strange to be at work eating lunch with a colleague, while answering texts from a friend concerned about her test results. My hair has grown back to the point where people have stopped coming up to me to chat about cancer, and instead compliment me on my haircut. My health has improved to the point that I can be up on my feet hefting boxes of food for hours a day, however, it takes me two days to recover. And then there's still treatment. On one hand, I'm cancer-free, on the
other hand, I still have more treatments, supplements, tests, and a
hormone blocking pill for 10 years. Balancing life obligations, cancer prevention requirements, stress, and work is a dance that can be overwhelming at times and one I'm still working on.
One of my doctors who's also a cancer survivor told me it takes awhile to process everything that's happened. When she told me this a few months back I was about finished with my radiation treatments and was totally looking forward to be doing "normal" life again. I didn't really get what she was talking about then, but I think now I'm beginning to understand.
Before writing this evening I read through my first post from a year ago. I must say, the tone surprised me. It was so positive, bubbly even. It's weird, because you would think now a year later cancer-free I would be the same, if not more positive or cheerful. Today my heart is heavy, yet on the other hand, I still can't believe that I'm a person who even had cancer. Maybe it's because I'm processing, maybe it's because I'm still dealing with side effects of treatment. I don't know, but in the end I trust God. I trust His plan and I pray that I am walking in it, not against it.
"Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
24You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73: 23-26
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Declaring Works
"I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord" Psalm 118:17
This is the verse that the Lord gave me about a month ago. I had been fighting a battle over a span of weeks. A battle of worry and anxiety about the possibilities of a recurrence and death on one hand and guilty feelings about being cancer free on the other. It was your classic no-win scenario.
And so, with a few minutes of time I had I fled down the hospital hallway to the chapel. Thankfully I was the only one there at the time. I dropped my things, fell into a chair, and started chatting with God, telling Him about this worry that had popped up again.
Glancing up at the front of the chapel I noticed some pamphlets on the wall. Looking at the time I quickly grabbed one on healing verses and glanced over it, flipping through the pages, scanning. Suddenly, one verse popped out half-way down as if it had risen off the page.
"I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord."
Having never read this particular Psalm, I finally did so yesterday. For those of you who haven't I've included it below:
Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good;
His faithful love endures forever.
2 Let Israel say,
“His faithful love endures forever.”
3 Let the house of Aaron say,
“His faithful love endures forever.”
4 Let those who fear the Lord say,
“His faithful love endures forever.”
For those of you who may not know the back story of the Psalms they were written by David, A God Appointed King of Israel, the same David who killed Goliath. Now you would think that an appointment by God would mean smooth sailing, I mean if God wants you to be king...
But before David took his place as King, he was hunted down by his predecessor King Saul, who was also God appointed. It's a long complicated story, but before Saul wanted David dead, he gave him one of his daughters in marriage, employed him as a soldier and a musician. I don't know if they were best friends, but they weren't enemies, at least not at first. But as David's popularity grew Saul was falling out of favor with God and his people thus, trouble began to brew. Eventually, David had to flee and spent many years running from Saul and his band of warriors.
I think knowing some of the background is so important to understanding David's writing. He's not some person writing down cute expressions or cool philosophical or theological musings to sell a book. He's been there, he's experienced it. He knows what it feels like to be hunted down by people you once trusted. He understands the battle between choosing what's popular opinion and what right in God's eyes. He's seen his enemies defeated, escaped death, and he's declaring God's works.
The following are just a few of the works of the Lord I'm declaring since beginning my treatment:
This is the verse that the Lord gave me about a month ago. I had been fighting a battle over a span of weeks. A battle of worry and anxiety about the possibilities of a recurrence and death on one hand and guilty feelings about being cancer free on the other. It was your classic no-win scenario.
And so, with a few minutes of time I had I fled down the hospital hallway to the chapel. Thankfully I was the only one there at the time. I dropped my things, fell into a chair, and started chatting with God, telling Him about this worry that had popped up again.
Glancing up at the front of the chapel I noticed some pamphlets on the wall. Looking at the time I quickly grabbed one on healing verses and glanced over it, flipping through the pages, scanning. Suddenly, one verse popped out half-way down as if it had risen off the page.
"I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord."
Having never read this particular Psalm, I finally did so yesterday. For those of you who haven't I've included it below:
Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good;
His faithful love endures forever.
2 Let Israel say,
“His faithful love endures forever.”
3 Let the house of Aaron say,
“His faithful love endures forever.”
4 Let those who fear the Lord say,
“His faithful love endures forever.”
5 I called to the Lord in distress;
the Lord answered me
and put me in a spacious place.[a]
6 The Lord is for me; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?
7 The Lord is my helper,
Therefore, I will look in triumph on those who hate me.
the Lord answered me
and put me in a spacious place.[a]
6 The Lord is for me; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?
7 The Lord is my helper,
Therefore, I will look in triumph on those who hate me.
8 It is better to take refuge in the Lord
than to trust in man.
9 It is better to take refuge in the Lord
than to trust in nobles.
than to trust in man.
9 It is better to take refuge in the Lord
than to trust in nobles.
10 All the nations surrounded me;
in the name of Yahweh I destroyed them.
11 They surrounded me, yes, they surrounded me;
in the name of Yahweh I destroyed them.
12 They surrounded me like bees;
they were extinguished like a fire among thorns;
in the name of Yahweh I destroyed them.
13 You[b] pushed me[c] hard to make me fall,
but the Lord helped me.
14 The Lord is my strength and my song;
He has become my salvation.
in the name of Yahweh I destroyed them.
11 They surrounded me, yes, they surrounded me;
in the name of Yahweh I destroyed them.
12 They surrounded me like bees;
they were extinguished like a fire among thorns;
in the name of Yahweh I destroyed them.
13 You[b] pushed me[c] hard to make me fall,
but the Lord helped me.
14 The Lord is my strength and my song;
He has become my salvation.
15 There are shouts of joy and victory
in the tents of the righteous:
“The Lord’s right hand performs valiantly!
16 The Lord’s right hand is raised.
The Lord’s right hand performs valiantly!”
17 I will not die, but I will live
and proclaim what the Lord has done.
18 The Lord disciplined me severely
but did not give me over to death.
in the tents of the righteous:
“The Lord’s right hand performs valiantly!
16 The Lord’s right hand is raised.
The Lord’s right hand performs valiantly!”
17 I will not die, but I will live
and proclaim what the Lord has done.
18 The Lord disciplined me severely
but did not give me over to death.
19 Open the gates of righteousness for me;
I will enter through them
and give thanks to the Lord.
20 This is the gate of the Lord;
the righteous will enter through it.
21 I will give thanks to You
because You have answered me
and have become my salvation.
22 The stone that the builders rejected
has become the cornerstone.
23 This came from the Lord;
it is wonderful in our eyes.
24 This is the day the Lord has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.
I will enter through them
and give thanks to the Lord.
20 This is the gate of the Lord;
the righteous will enter through it.
21 I will give thanks to You
because You have answered me
and have become my salvation.
22 The stone that the builders rejected
has become the cornerstone.
23 This came from the Lord;
it is wonderful in our eyes.
24 This is the day the Lord has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.
25 Lord, save us!
Lord, please grant us success!
26 He who comes in the name
of the Lord is blessed.
From the house of the Lord we bless you.
27 The Lord is God and has given us light.
Bind the festival sacrifice with cords
to the horns of the altar.
28 You are my God, and I will give You thanks.
You are my God; I will exalt You.
29 Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good;
His faithful love endures forever.
Lord, please grant us success!
26 He who comes in the name
of the Lord is blessed.
From the house of the Lord we bless you.
27 The Lord is God and has given us light.
Bind the festival sacrifice with cords
to the horns of the altar.
28 You are my God, and I will give You thanks.
You are my God; I will exalt You.
29 Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good;
His faithful love endures forever.
For those of you who may not know the back story of the Psalms they were written by David, A God Appointed King of Israel, the same David who killed Goliath. Now you would think that an appointment by God would mean smooth sailing, I mean if God wants you to be king...
But before David took his place as King, he was hunted down by his predecessor King Saul, who was also God appointed. It's a long complicated story, but before Saul wanted David dead, he gave him one of his daughters in marriage, employed him as a soldier and a musician. I don't know if they were best friends, but they weren't enemies, at least not at first. But as David's popularity grew Saul was falling out of favor with God and his people thus, trouble began to brew. Eventually, David had to flee and spent many years running from Saul and his band of warriors.
I think knowing some of the background is so important to understanding David's writing. He's not some person writing down cute expressions or cool philosophical or theological musings to sell a book. He's been there, he's experienced it. He knows what it feels like to be hunted down by people you once trusted. He understands the battle between choosing what's popular opinion and what right in God's eyes. He's seen his enemies defeated, escaped death, and he's declaring God's works.
The following are just a few of the works of the Lord I'm declaring since beginning my treatment:
- The Lord has provided for us financially. Even though for the past 8 months I haven't been working, even though our living expenses have increased, we have always had enough to meet our monthly financial responsibilities.
- The Lord has orchestrated my treatment. My surgeries, my appointments, my recovery, there's nothing about my treatment that hasn't been guided by His hand. Quick aside, my Oophorectomy came about because of an appointment with a doctor I wasn't supposed to be scheduled for met with me and made one phone call. Five minutes later, the surgery I was told I wasn't going to be able to have at CTCA was scheduled. If left up to me, I would've cancelled that doctor appointment...
- Like David, the Lord has delivered me every time from my enemies. Every time I felt worried, anxious, fear, or doubt and prayed, it's left. There's power in the name of Jesus.
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