So, last week included a couple of visits to doctors. It's a crazy thing, these visits. Filling out the forms, answering the questions like, "What brought you in here today?" Breast Cancer. "Have you ever had any of the following..." Cancer, check, currently diagnosed. "When did you get diagnosed?" Then there's the lovely smock and the exam. It's amazing how quickly I got used to that. How quickly what used to be private becomes just medical.
I've talked with 4 doctor's offices during the past 2 weeks, and from the sound of it, most of them are surprised that I'm taking time, moving slowly through this process. From what I gather, the standard progression is: diagnosis, then quickly surgery, chemo, radiation, etc, a whirlwind of care. And I get that. The very first time I heard the words, "This is what we thought it is," I wanted it out. Just get it out, kill it, eradicate it; waiting was the last thing on my mind. I also understand that waiting for some is not an option and I view this waiting as a blessing from God. A blessing that has given me space to wrap my mind around this, research, pray, and look at my options. More on this waiting later.
Here's the update from my last doctor's visits:
1. According to surgeon, Dr. Murley, the cancer is Stage 1, Grade 2, HER2+, estrogen and progesterone +, and given it's size, doubtful that it spread. YAY! She believes the treatment plan would probably look like this:
- Chemotherapy first to shrink or kill off the tumor entirely - not sure how many rounds
- Surgery to remove anything left and remove the location marker inserted during biopsy
- Radiation
- 5 years of Tamoxifen
However, more tests need to be run. Next step is MRI and Genetic testing. According to Dr. Murley, if the genetic tests come back positive for the BRCA1/2 gene then the standard course of treatment is the following:
- Chemotherapy
- Double Mastectomy
- 5 years of Tamoxifen
Both treatment plans were shocking to hear, however, her prognosis is very good and she stated with confidence that she believes I will be fine in the end. It's just the getting there that will be difficult.
2. My second appointment this week was with Miesse's, a naturopath out of Springfield. Not only did he know about the Budwig Protocol that I've been following, he also added some supplements to my plan as well. For those of you who are curious about what I am doing it is as follows:
- Budwig Protocol including raw vegetarian diet
- Apricot Kernals
- Supplements
Once I'm declared cancer free, the Budwig Protocol needs to be followed for another 5 years, much like the Tamoxifen.
So, that's the update to what we've been doing thus far while we wait. I see an oncologist on March 30, who will order the MRI and genetic testing. Until then I do my alternative therapies and wait. That's the message I've been getting; wait Les, just wait. Wait for the alternative treatments to do their work (hopefully the MRI will show it shrinking), and wait until the 30th to see the oncologist. This waiting hasn't been easy, patience is not one of the things I'm particularly gifted at and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared from time to time; but it's been good. God is good!
I know that many of you have been praying for miraculous healing and I know that whatever treatments I need, I will be healed. I have felt that since the first day I felt the lump. However, how that healing comes is not for me to decide. In other words, do not be discouraged if it takes time.
I think many times people think that if healing takes time then it's not miraculous. We expect all miracle healings to occur like most do in the bible, instantaneously; like when He healed the leper, the blind, the infirm, etc. These kinds of healings do occur and we hear about them even in the present day. But if it turns out I'm not healed instantaneously that does not mean it's not miraculous; merely that God chose my healing to take time.
Why He would choose that approach is not for me to argue but to accept. Accept that He has a greater purpose in the taking time process than through the instantaneous process. That His purpose is greater than me, my schedule, my life. What that purpose is I know not, but nevertheless it's there and it's His.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do." ~ James 2-8
Thank you for your prayers, your thoughts, and your love!
~Les
So, remember in my previous post when I talked about having to face fear more objectively than other before? Earlier this week was one of those dark times...
I was just settling down for my morning flaxseed, flaxseed oil, and cottage cheese concoction (mmm, mmm, good) when I began to be barraged by thoughts. Cheery thoughts along the lines of...You're not going to beat this, you have cancer, you're going to die, Joe is going to be left alone. It's spreading, it's spreading all over. And as it builds, other statements come into play: God doesn't care about you, He doesn't care about your husband, you won't win, this won't work, you're dumb, you're stupid, etc. The attack continues on for awhile and it's getting more than a little dark and I'm getting more than a little panicky...
For those of you who have dealt with fear, worry, anxiety, you probably know what I'm talking about. Everything seems to be hurling out of control and I came very close to chucking it all and running around like Chicken Little.
But then I paused... and remembered I had a choice. A choice to call it out for what it is and stand strong. I started denouncing it in the name God. And when the messages got stronger and louder: mocking me, trying to make me doubt; I got louder and stronger. In fact I had a church service in my living room for awhile. Did I say things that were eloquent? Nope. Was my delivery smooth? Nope.
What I can tell you as the tears were streaming down, a power was also building and gaining strength. And suddenly, words burst forth in my mind and with one simple statement. "The Lord, my God, will not forsake me, HE WILL NOT FORSAKE ME!" The worry, fear, and anxiety ended and I went back to eating my flaxseed cottage breakfast and praising God.
I'm learning more and more about the powerful tool of fear. For those of you that struggle with fear, like me, you need to understand a very basic truth. The kind of fear that I experienced was not of God. And when that kind of fear comes around, you need to call it out and denounce it.
Sometimes what God asks us to do in our lives may be scary because it's unknown or new; the enemy loves nothing more than using that to his advantage. I didn't always understand this, and looking back I know I made decisions based on the but what if, because I let my fear of being unsure choose my path. Of course back then I didn't have a relationship with God.
We all have struggles and experience situations that can be filled with fear. For some it's the struggle of unemployment or changing jobs/careers, others it may be an illness, or maybe the fear of entering into or leaving a relationship, fear of loss, fear of loneliness, past regrets or shame; I could go on and on, the list is long. Sure the fear is real, but we don't need to let it control our decisions. Decisions of this nature made in fear are not really decisions but responses.
One thing we all have in common, whatever issue that we're going through, whatever fear is being placed in your heart or mind, understand that there is a greater power that exists. And. He. Is. Real.
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On a side note: I know some of my friends may object strongly to this declaration. I know this may spark a theological debate. I know some who would think it's only now that I've become a believer. To be honest, in that past I think I've let fear keep me from declaring more openly at times. Fear of not knowing what to say, or not being able to have the right proof/response, etc. So let me be firm in stating that I have been a follower of Jesus for the past 5 years now and I know without a doubt that God does exist. In fact to deny His existence would mean to take away all the undeniable ways in which He has shown his existence to me, cared for me, and gave me life more fulfilling, more full of joy, more than I could ever have created on my own.
I know this, and continue to be blown away by His desire to help, comfort, and love me. If you are fearful today, please call out to God and denounce whatever it is in His name and command it to leave, break the chain.
"Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you." ~ Deuteronomy 31:6
AMEN and thank you Jesus!
I do. I have cancer, most of the time I still can't believe it. For those of you that are finding out while reading this, I apologize. I know this comes as a shock. It is not my intention to use this medium to drop an emotional bomb. I just feel it's time to begin this blog, and though I understand that it may be upsetting that you didn't get a call/text personally, please do not take it too much to heart. It's not that I don't think of you as a close friend, family member, etc., it's merely that I can't really handle the idea of calling everyone, rehashing the same story over and over. It's too painful right now to do that, and quite frankly not something that I want to recap on the regular right now. So, I'm doing it now in the hopes that I won't have to in the future.
It's been four days now since we got the call confirming what I already felt God telling me in my heart was true. To be specific I have infiltrated or invasive ductal carcinoma. In English that means it started in my milk duct and has spread to surrounding tissues. According to my research it's the most common type of breast cancer, typically found in women in their 50's. (should I be offended by that?)
Bad jokes aside, let me take some time to perhaps answer some questions that may have come to your mind...
1. How did this all come about? I felt a lump a week ago Saturday. Went to my doctor, who then sent me for a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound (last weds.); then a biopsy the next day. Confirmation came last Friday.
2. How big is it? How far has it spread? As far as how much it's spread, what stage it is, and all the other pertinent information, we don't know yet. The full pathology report should be done by tomorrow.
3. Am I in any pain? None, praise God. I have no pain at all.
4. How are we doing? Well, that depends. This morning I woke with anxiety, so that's always fun, but other times we're just find and dandy. It's a very surreal experience, on one hand feeling fine and healthy and on the other knowing that you're not. I mean I understand that I have this thing called cancer, I just don't want to dwell on it. Even though I have it, I don't need to let it have me So, we fluctuate back and forth between laughing and not, while we digest this tectonic shift in our life.
5. What have I been doing the past week? Well, much of my free time the past week has been spent researching, cross referencing, investigating, and praying... lots of praying. Praying for peace, praying for Joe, praying against fear; I think the fear is what scares me the most. (excuse the witticism) But seriously, when that fear begins and the thoughts begin to accumulate and build the mountain of doubt in the mind it's difficult to climb your way out. It becomes a very real battle to cling to the truth.
We've been praying for discernment and wisdom during this time. God has really been teaching me more and more about what fear is really all about during this process. Over the past week I've been forced to look at and deal with fear more objectively than ever before and it's been difficult but awesome at the same time, more on that in my next post.
6. What about treatment? I have already begun natural treatment this past weekend called the Budwig Protocol. For more information on this treatment, here's a link... http://www.budwig-diet.co.uk/dr-johanna-budwig/ thus far the results have been very encouraging. Actually, I feel better than I've felt in over a year! It's been such a blessing! I didn't realize how bad I actually felt, because toxicity and such creeps in over time and you just adjust to this new normal, that as it now appears to me, wasn't really my normal. This doesn't mean that I am not considering more traditional treatments, but I won't know what those are until I have more tests.
7. Is there anything I can do? Yes, pray. That is the best thing that you can do right now.
8. What can I pray for? God will lead you, but if you haven't prayed to God before, I understand that might be a little too open ended. So, pray for peace, pray for wisdom, guidance, and pray that when the scans are taken there won't be any cancer to left to find!
Of course there's also been periods of helpful questions like: Why? Why Cancer? Why would you do this God? Don't you care? Why would you do this to Joe? Why would you make him walk through this again? And my personal favorite, why me? Which God kindly reminds me that I'm clay, He's the potter, and He has a plan.
If you find yourself asking some of these kinds of questions in your own life, cling to that promise. God has a plan, a plan which to us may make no sense at the present time. During my walk with God, I've been able to look back and see this truth. Doesn't mean that His plan is without hardship, tears, failure, struggle...but without the fire, there's no refinement. Without the sieve, there's no sifting. So we can be thankful for the struggle.
Love to you all,
Les
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." 2 Corinthians 1: 3-4.
