She's baaaack, well getting there anyway...
For those of you who are wondering, final pathology is
awesome and as we prayed; no lymph node involvement and only scar tissue
left at the tumor site. Praise God! My reaction to the phone call was weird,
even to me. I wasn't screaming in adulation, or jumping up and down, or
celebrating like one would think. I didn't even cry. All I said was Praise God! It was as if the
phone call was merely reporting to me what I already knew was true. I don't want it
to appear like I take this news for granted. I don't, I'm extremely
thankful for this news. It was an awesome confirmation to that which I
already believed was true.
Next treatments will be 5 weeks of radiation, continuing with Herceptin every 3 weeks, but no chemo; and beginning hormone blocking pills most likely Tamoxifen. Herceptin will continue until May and Tamoxifen for 5 years.
So how have I been?
Well, it's been 3 weeks since surgery, about 2 months since my last chemo and things are moving along. Incisions are becoming scars, sutures are disappearing and my head is covered in blonde and black patches of peach fuzz. My head looks like a milk cow...
It's amazing to me, our body's capacity to pick up and move on, never tiring in its desire to make us whole. Even when we don't see it, it's working on knitting us back together- healing over those places that are ripped open, restoring things that were damaged or taken away. Much like God, no? He's just waiting to heal, restore, refine and redeem those things in us that are keeping us hostage, holding us back from what He has for us. He never stops loving us and trying to make us whole.
What's confusing, hurtful, saddening, ____ (insert your own emotion), is that sometimes what He allows during this process doesn't always feel loving. In fact it can feel down right cruel and punishing. For me, I struggle with the why? As I've stated previously I'm thankful for my healing, but why me and not others?
It's the age old question, why does God heal some people instantly, some over time, and some not at all? During my course of treatment I've come in contact with all three. I've come in contact with individuals who prayed or received prayer and when it came time for treatment the tumors were gone. Then there's me and others like me who have been healed over time, and unfortunately there are those that do those things and yet, do not get healed.
It's been difficult to get to know people who are undergoing treatment with no end in sight. My last day of chemo was just another day of treatment to them. Their bodies have adjusted to this new normal, but they don't have a chemo countdown. It just doesn't feel fair.
God is God. He can heal anyone at anytime. So why not them? I don't know. I know there are some people who believe it's a faith issue, or lack thereof. There are those who are quick to make statements about God's will. Others point to this fallen world. I don't have an answer to this question that I feel gives complete resolution to this long debated topic so I'm not going to muddy the waters further by adding my own 2 cents.
The only thing that is for certain is that this life is temporary, God is eternal. We are limited in our ability to see the entire picture or know the whole story. I'm still praying about this, researching, and reading. I'm confident that if I need to know, I will.
