Humility, it's what's for dinner...

God's really been putting humility on my mind a lot lately, constantly reminding me of it actually.  So, I thought I'd write a little rambling on what I've been processing thus far... 

Humility is defined as:
      A modest or low view of one's own importance; humbleness. 
      Synonyms include: modest, meekness, unassertiveness, lack of pride, servility, etc.

Meekness, unassertiveness, lack of pride, servility... I don't like those words.  They don't sit particularly well with me.  I've always prided myself in being independent.  Strong, capable, able to accomplish and do whatever I wish; a "strong" woman.  

Being a person who struggles with type A tendencies that can turn quickly into being overbearing, controlling, and impatient taking more things on that I should comes naturally to me.  I'm a "doer," so I naturally don't feel like anything is too much.  I'm unaccustomed to lethargy, loathe taking naps, and according to Joe have the wrong definition of down time.  To quote someone very dear to me, I naturally can fall into the "me do" mentality.  My view has always been, hand me the plate and I'll find the stick to spin it with.   If need be, I'll make the stick myself. 

And I truly thought cancer would be just another plate for me to spin.  While I was treating it naturally through diet and supplements, it was.  Life went on, plates were spinning, and I was balancing everything really well, no worries.  Then it became clear that chemo would be needed.
 
Speaking with other individuals who had similar chemo treatments, I was optimistic that the level of disruption would be nominal, 2 or 3 days max.  That was acceptable to me.  My life could handle, or more truthfully I could handle that amount of disruption.  I would be tired for a couple days and then back to normal life.  I planned my treatments accordingly, and had back-up coverage at work to avoid as many conflicts as possible. 

Then my first treatment hit.  I quickly realized that my body's reaction to chemo would not be like the people I talked to.  Out of 10 days, I worked 1/2 of 1 day.  The majority of my time was spent sitting in a chair or lying on the couch; mindlessly watching t.v., or reading.  I wasn't just tired I was physically and mentally ill - just walking around the block was a huge accomplishment.  The mental darkness and depression, side effects of the steroids, is something I've never experienced, and the lack of energy, nausea, and dehydration caused by the other flu-like side effects was equally distressing.  Joe had to take off work.  My parents drove in on the weekend to help, and my co-workers had to pick up my slack.  My plates had come crashing down and I had lost all my sticks.   A very humbling experience for me, I couldn't "do" anything.  My second treatment has been similar to the first.

There is a commonly used phrase that exists which states, "God will never give you more than you can handle."  I don't agree with this statement.  In fact, I believe the opposite is true.  God will allow things in life that will be more than we can handle because we run the risk of believing we are so self-sufficient that we feel we don't need anybody, or more specifically, God.  We also run the risk of taking pride in this self-reliance and equating our worth with our accomplishments.  I am guilty of all of the above.

I'm not saying I'm happy about this, but I can say that through this I'm learning and continue to be refined and shaped. If you are like me and fight these times of struggle, take a moment and pray.  It could be that God is using this struggle we can't handle to make us drop to our knees, humble ourselves, and cry out for help.

As I'm preparing for my third treatment this Thursday I've begrudgingly accepted the fact that the 10 days following will be more than I can handle.  I pray that God will grant me the strength to continue treatment and ask continuously for Him to give me faith when I am discouraged and doubting. 

Lord please meet me when the darkness comes...

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1

And Now There's 4

Even as I'm typing out that title, I'm sobbing.  Sobbing because I can't fathom going through this 4 more times.  Four more times of boarding a plane, allowing people to inject me full of poison, come home, feel like absolute crap for over a week, and then try to put myself back together again, only to feel back to normal right before I have to go through it again.

To say I've been struggling with a few things the past week and a half is an understatement.  If you're reading my blog hoping to be uplifted today, I need to apologize profusely.  I'm all out of optimism right now, so maybe it's best you skip this post.  To say I'm clinging to hope is an understatement, I'm on the ledge of a choice and it's a steep drop to the bottom.

I've been trying to stay positive through this process - keep telling myself tomorrow will be better.  Focus on all the blessings, all the gifts that God has given us through this process, and He has in so many unbelievable ways.  We have amazing support from our family, our church, our friends, so many praying.  Which is why I feel so bad to feel so bad.  What kind of gratitude am I demonstrating?  But real is real and right now I'm mad, hurt, scared, and really, really want to revert back to using all those 4 letter words I used to use in circumstances such as these.

So, this morning I've been chatting with God about this - minus the 4 letter words.  I've been laying it all out for Him today.  How mad at Him I am that I have this. How scared I am about my future.  How unfair I think it is to make Joe go through this again.  How I feel like a whiny petulant child.  How I know that these feelings can change.  How I understand that life is about struggles, and that these refine us, etc. etc. and overall just generally beating myself up for feeling the way I'm feeling, etc.  And let me tell you, I can turn self-loathing into an art form.

Then this song pops up on my Pandora station just now and causes me to pause and process.  I'm not ungrateful or despicable, or any of the other thoughts that were circling around in my head, I'm just in the middle of the struggle and that's ok.

Thought I'd share it for those that are struggling and berating themselves in the process...  https://youtu.be/UUEy8nZvpdM

Now I'm not saying everything is currently sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows, but I have stepped back from the ledge, gained some perspective, some hope, and I pray that you will also.

Thank you Lord!

2 Corinthians 12:9-10  But he said to me,  “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.