The Day After

So, last week I went to an oncologist appointment at the James Center. The good news?  She doesn't believe that it has spread,  Praise God!  This is a relief, especially after finding out that the tumor is Her2 positive; meaning that it can be more aggressive. 

I know many of you have asked how I am.  On a daily basis, I'm usually fine.  Life has been going on like normal for the most part.  Sure, our daily prayers have changed a little to include something to the effect of, "Heal this cancer, Lord."  Sure, my daily routine and diet has changed a little - goodbye morning cup of coffee, hello vegetarian, flaxseed/cottage cheese emulsion, no sugar, lifestyle.  But other than that, not much different.  Most days the fact that I have cancer is on the backburner, rather than the front.

The days that are difficult for me are the days after the doctor appointments.  These have been my worse, I have cancer, days.  I don't know if it's the prodding, or the discussing, or the questions; whatever it is, the day after seems to be the day when I feel the most lost, most hopeless, and most fearful.  These are the days when I wait until Joe has left for work, curl up into a ball and sob.  And I mean the ugly, shirt soaking, guttural sounding, crying out to God, body shaking, kind of sobs.

Last Tuesday was no different.  However, during my sobbing, these thoughts flooded into my head and kept repeating. Jesus weeps for us in our grief.  He sobs when we sob...

Now me not being the, I've memorized all kinds of verse and chapter in the bible individual, had to look it up today for this post.  I remembered that I'd read something about it at some point, but had no idea where it would be.  And if you haven't read the Bible, well, it's a pretty thick book.  It's times like these where prayer and Google become my best search engines. 

Finally, found it in Romans. "The Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." (Romans 8:26)  And He did.  He was there, letting me sob in His lap, placing His hand on my head.  I have no idea how long I laid there and cried, but I felt His presence, His love, His pain for my pain. 

And that was the Good in the Bad.

Thank you God, for being my comfort, my peace, and my refuge in the day after.