A Matter of Perspective

As I'm sitting facing the oncologist at Cancer Treatment Centers of America, I am forced to come to terms with something I was hoping to avoid.  Chemo.  I know for most it probably seems somewhat matter of fact.  A (you have cancer) + B (you need treatment) = C (chemo).  If you have been following my blog, then you know that I was hoping and praying to be able to treat this without the use of chemo or radiation.  Apparently this is not going to be possible.
 
I have a few factors that have tipped the scales....
1.  Triple positive breast cancer is more aggressive
2.  The younger you are, the more aggressive breast cancer is in general
3.  Unsure if tumor has gotten larger or just changed shape due to biopsy
4.  According to MRI, there's been no involvement of lymph nodes, etc.
5.  They believe it has not spread...yet.  But the nature of my tumor will unless treated, possibly quickly
 
And so I was confronted with the fears of my research.  I guess sometimes you can know too much.  Side effects, long term prognosis, recurrence.  I know for most, chemo is thought of as a life saving drug.  And to be sure it has saved lives, for some at a cost.  But for me, it's been a fear hovering in the background.  Listening to the doctor talk strategies, I begin to tear up.  There are 2.  One is crazy harsh, the other, less so.  So, we can start with the latter and if that doesn't work, then we'll have to bring in the heavy artillery.  I am somewhat aware that logic is walking out of the building at this point, but I just cannot chase it down.  
 
So has the doctor, but instead of being annoyed she is patient.  Somewhat surprised, but patient as I begin to list out my fears; congestive heart failure, chemo causing future cancers, side effects, early menopause.  Fears spilling out more and more tears she hands me a box of tissues, waits, and listens.  Finally all talked out, she examines me.  More tears, more reassurances.  She knows I'm not ready to make this decision.  But instead of pushing the issue, she talks about anxiety and a change of perspective.  She hugs me and leaves, giving me a few minutes to dress before the Naturopathic doctor comes in.
 
I excuse myself and head to the bathroom.  Make it before I lose all control.  Sobbing I have a quick conversation with God...
 
Me: Am I really supposed to have this?
God: ...
Me: Okay, Lord if this is what's next, then prevent my fear from making another decision.  Prevent me from running from the very thing that any rational person can see I need to do. Prevent me from responding to the fear.
 
I had a much different perspective of how this went down until a few minutes ago.  I didn't see the compassion the doctor showed me.  I didn't recognize the care in her actions, the gentleness, the truth.  Honestly, didn't notice any of that until I've been typing it.  All I saw was something being forced on me that I didn't want to do.  I saw nothing beneficial. 
 
How often do we run from Truth? How often are we not able to see the benefit in a given situation?
 
We got to listen to our friend Ricky preach today.  My plight running in the back of my mind, I sat listening.  There was a specific statement that particularly resonated with me.  Of course, I wish that I could remember it word for word, but I can't. (sorry Ricky)  All I can remember is: God wants what's beneficial for us. (or something like that)  Side note: Beneficial does not necessarily equate to what we believe would make us happy.  Anyone who tries to tell you it does, isn't speaking truth.

I knew my perspective needed a shift. 
 
I'm left with having to confess the truth...many things that occurred during my visit to Cancer Treatment Center were beneficial.  The less aggressive chemo option and extended delivery, beneficial.  The supplements to fend off side effects, heart problems, beneficial.  All my docs; surgeon, naturopath, and dietician, beneficial.  My radiation oncologist who let me pepper her with questions regarding her bout with breast cancer, beneficial.  The MRI that showed no spread to lymph nodes, beneficial.  Our financial advisor who informed us that the 3 days of visits would probably cost us nothing, beneficial.  Free airfare for consultations, beneficial. Free meals and lodging, beneficial.
 
Presently being reminded about my last post, and feeling humbled.  What a great reminder of how self-focused we can be when pain is applied.
 
Thank you Lord for a new perspective!