Soon There's One - Treatment Update

I know that many of you have been wondering where we're at in the treatment plan so
I wanted to take a moment before I go for treatment this week and give a quick update on how things are going.

First of all, I can't say enough about the outpouring of love and support that everyone has given us.  I know that we have been covered in prayer, and I know that God has been with me during my treatments and recovery.  I feel very blessed that I've had minimal issues/reactions during my chemo treatments and my recovery has been eased greatly.

This week marks my 4th round of chemo.  My visit to CTCA is still 3 days.  During the course of my stay I see my oncologist, Dr. Neelam.  I also see my Naturopath, Nutritionist, and Accupuncturist.  I also schedule Reiki and massage as well.  I believe Dr. Neelam is pleased with what is going on thus far in my treatment, but she is reserved in her demeanor. 

Is treatment working?
What I know for sure is the tumor is shrinking and is barely palpable.   In fact, during my last visit Dr. Neelam mentioned we may just be feeling scar tissue at this point.  There is a little concern about a couple of bumps behind my ear that we are watching to see if they are possible tumors.  It's difficult to say, because I do get bumps all over my head after chemo, and we're not sure if these were there previously, if they've grown since treatment, etc, but they haven't gone away as of yet.

What happens next?
Well, this round is same as before.  I'll go in, get all my alternative treatments, sit 6-7 hours for my chemo/biological treatments, get my Neulasta shot, and then Mom and I will be on our respective ways home.

My 6th, and hopefully final, treatment will be a bigger deal.  This is the visit where we will see if I need to continue with more aggressive chemo or if my tumor is dead.  I'll have a whole round of scans before chemo to determine if it's spread anywhere, etc.  If tumor is dead, then this will be my final round of chemo, huzzah!  Pray that we hear good news, especially about these little bumps behind my ear!!

When does surgery happen?
If tumor is dead, then it will be on to surgery at some point, typically about 6 weeks after this final round of chemo.  If it's not, well I'm not focusing on that... only sunshine, lollypops, and rainbows allowed in this camp.

Surgery options haven't really been discussed as of yet in any kind of detail.  It depends on what we see in the scans.  I've been praying for wisdom in deciding which way to go.  Basically there's two options, mastectomy or lumpectomy.  The good news is that I am BRCA negative (the high risk genetic markers for breast cancer) so my options are a little less cut and dry, no pun intended.

Depending on which surgery I need and lymph node involvement, radiation may be required as well.  If I have a lumpectomy radiation is a definite, mastectomy not necessarily.  There's research out there that looks at outcomes long term and outcomes/recurrence rates are very similar.

What other treatments will I need this year?
Firstly, my biological treatments will continue until May 2016.  Which means that I will be getting Herceptin and possibly Perjeta every 3 weeks via my port.  These biological therapies which are given in conjunction with my chemo treatments block HER2 receptors in the tumor and stops the cells from dividing and growing.  They need to be administered for a full year for the best outcome.

Along with these two HER2 therapies, I will also need targeted hormone therapies as well.  These therapies will block the estrogen/progesterone receptors as well as decrease the amount of hormones I have floating around in body.  Tamoxifen is the therapy that is most commonly prescribed, especially because of my age, however Tamoxifen has some pretty heavy potential side effects.  There are other alternatives, sadly no herbal treatments, but there are some that are less damaging to the body.  I've been discussing options with my oncologist, including an Oophorectomy (removal of the ovaries) in order to decrease the amount of estrogen and progesterone my body makes, thus giving me other treatment options.

Whatever medication I am on, I will be taking it for at least 5 years, maybe more.  I'm not happy about it, but there isn't another option.

How are we doing?
We're doing ok for the most part.  The past 2 treatments have been much better side effect wise.  I'm usually down for a full week after I get home, breathless and weak for most of that time, but other than that not bad.  I have begun retaining fluid and have to spend some time with my legs elevated during the weeks in between treatments, but all in all I'll take that any day over the first 2 treatments.  I was scared that it was a sign of heart damage (a possibility of my chemo treatments), but after speaking with CTCA they believe that it's just a side effect of my chemo.  We'll know more after tomorrow.

I would say currently the challenging thing is maintaining a positive attitude and outlook at times and not allow worry,concern, doubt, fear, to control our thoughts.  For Joe, the spirit of depression has also been a challenge, sometimes in the background and sometimes in the forefront depending on the day.  It's painful to watch him go through that and not be able to "fix it."  It's something he has struggled with off and on during his life.  We're looking at options to help and continue to pray against it.

So that's it, basically.  We pray and wait, hopeful for a happy outcome.  Again, thank you for your comments, prayers, cards, gifts, hugs, and time.  We feel so loved and blessed by you all.


"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer" ~ Romans 12:12

Truth Seeking

So tonight before I thought I was going to sleep, I grabbed my Kindle and opened up my Bible Gateway app.  and for some reason I ask Joe if he would like me to read aloud. I began reading my verse of the day: Isaiah 41:10
 
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
 
I open up the verse and continue reading aloud, Chapter 41, 42, 43 - reading my husband to sleep.  Verse after verse I continue reading out loud as my husband sleeps next to me.  As I'm reading, I'm aware that my voice gets stronger and my soul is digging in - like I was walking on loose gravel and suddenly found pavement.  It's a footing that I didn't even know I needed, I felt emotionally awesome even before I began reading. 
 
I struggle to find the appropriate words to describe this feeling, without using Christian speak about it. Yes I felt my heart stirring, but it's more than that.  I feel the power of the words begin to fill my heart with a certainty of truth; that what I am reading is rooted in an unalterable truth, absolute, grounded.
 
As a truth seeker I am finally home.  Most people don't know this about me, but Christianity was the last in a long line of religious contemplation and philosophical exploration.  By the time I was 20, I wasn't completely sure there was a "God." After spending a brief period of time being an Agnostic, I concluded that there was a God, or Supreme Being of some sort; so I went on a quest to find my truth.  I went on a search to find a religion that I felt I could follow and agree with wholeheartedly. What began in my college years, continued on into my late 20's and early 30's.  I looked into many different religions/systems of belief including in no certain order:

    Hinduism      Buddhism       Sikhism
    Taoism          Shinto             Jainism
    Judaism         Baha'i             Islam
    Sahaj Marg   Gnosticism     Unitarian Universalist
 
In every single one of these I would come across something that I couldn't get past.  Either something just didn't quite make sense to me, or it's own belief system argued against itself.  And so, I was just hanging out in this "no man's land" of spirituality, where I threw up my hands and decided that it doesn't really matter what you believe, it's all basically/fundamentally the same.  The concept of absolute truth is non-existent as everyone who holds a belief believes that what they believe is the truth absolute to his/her perspective.  And so, I just floated around and basically created my own relative truths about what to believe, right and wrong, etc.  I debated with Christian believers that struck up conversations with me at parties who felt it their calling to question me about the "state of my soul."
 
Truth be told of all the religious people I spoke to regarding their faith, which were many, I enjoyed my conversations with Christians the most, because of their lack of knowledge of the history or background of the creation of their religion.  I come from a Christian background/family, so I knew the basic premise.  I could verbally debate with any Christian who dared to begin a conversation about the destination of my soul.  I knew all the intellectual/post modernist responses to many of the typical Christian points, could stomp most of their arguments into the ground, point out all the theological issues, including the pagan rituals that have been woven in, compare Catholic Saints with other polytheistic belief systems, etc.  I basically made it my mission to get them to see the truth about religion and I was ruthless.  In my opinion, one could get no further from Absolute Truth than the Christian faith.  Oh yeah, I was a blast at parties, let me tell you...
 
God is not without a sense of humor.  I am not without a certain amount of stubbornness.  My struggle to accept Jesus as Truth was heartbreaking, world altering, and character changing - thank God.  Thank God that He is a God that honors seeking, doesn't take doubt or disbelief personally, cleans our slate, and yearns for a relationship with us.
 
I do not deserve to call him Father.  Do not deserve to ask Him for anything.  Yet, just like a loving parent, He knew my underlying heart, understood my desire for Truth, and with love, patiently waited until I was ready to begin a conversation.  He forgave me before I even understood that I needed to ask.
 
I'm telling you that no one is more surprised than I am that I'm a Christian. I've begun to understand just because there is Absolute Truth that we can tangibly feel and know to be certain of, doesn't mean that we always have tangible answers to all life's quandaries.  That's the most challenging thing for me.
 
If you yourself are a seeker and some of my past mimics your own experiences, I welcome a chat.  I promise I won't try and "save your soul" or make up an answer to something I don't know.  In truth, I'm a baby Christian, young in my faith, but God has equipped me with a fast processor.  He's surrounded me with unbelievable brothers and sisters in Christ who are knowledgeable in deep relationship with Him, and gave me an amazing journey of faith that I don't deserve to have experienced.  I know without a doubt that He is the Truth and the Light, the Alpha and Omega, The Way.
 
"Jesus said to him, 'I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me." ~ John 14:6 
 
9“So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 10“For everyone who asks, receives; and he who seeks, finds; and to him who knocks, it will be opened. ~Luke 11:9-10

Living Authentically

It's the eve of my departure to CTCA and I'm supposed to be sleeping right now because I have to leave at 4 am for my flight.   I'm more than a little bit nervous writing on this topic but I can't stop the nagging feeling that it needs to be done...

Living authentically, I know it's been quite a buzz word in many circles; be who you are, etc.  I guess this post may come off as offensive to some, or maybe judgmental, but I think it's time that we as Christians live authentically as Christians.  What does that mean?  Well in my opinion, this means rather than trying to find the loop hole for whatever we know we shouldn't be doing, we repent and ask God to help us with it.  Living authentically means that we bring whatever is dark in us, to the light and let God, in His perfect way, heal it and shape us into who He created us to be.

This doesn't mean that you have to start a blog or make it national news.  But it does mean that you need to start talking to God about it, and maybe/eventually sharing it with someone you trust.  Compartmentalizing your faith, or rationalizing away what needs addressed in your life not only hurts you and the ones that share life with you, but also tarnishes our faith for those who aren't believers.  In other words, don't profess to be a follower of Christ and then expect not to have to change.  It's not possible, we as humans are flawed.  I, as human, am flawed.

I love this passage in 1 Timothy 6:11-12

"But flee from these things, you man of God, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, perseverance and gentleness.  Fight the good fight of faith; take hold of the eternal life to which you were called, and you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses. "

We should at least strive for righteousness, etc., and then acknowledge when we fail and fall short.  As Christians, the way we live life should look different.  The way we handle crisis, hard times, finances, our work, disagreements, our relationships with others, it should all be different, we should be different, and that difference should be apparent in all aspects of our life.

God has changed me so much in the past 5 years and He continues to work on me.  It's interesting to speak with people who didn't know me before I became a Christian.  Sometimes they just think I've always been the person I am now.  I think that's common for people on the outside looking at us, because they haven't been witness to the transformation as it was taking place; as God was working something out.  They only see the final result.  Which begs the questions, maybe we aren't as open about our failings and God's work, as we should be?

Personally, I think it's really important for us as Christians to be real about who we used to be, and who we are now as a follower of Christ.  About a month ago I was having a conversation with a friend on this very topic.  Without getting into a lengthy discussion about it, I mentioned a little about who I used to be.  That when I was angry I would curse worse than anyone I've ever heard - the f bomb being my go to word.  I was hard-hearted in many ways, selfish, and placed my self-worth entirely on status and my career, oh and I was prideful, just to name a few things.  I didn't realize any of this though, until I gave my life to God, and started striving for what He wanted instead of what I thought I needed. 

I did this not to boast about how awesome I am, but to help my friend understand that we all come before God flawed.  However, if we are willing, He will refine those things in us that need to be changed.  He loves us that much!  We just need to ask, be real, accountable, and be talking to God.  He will do the work.

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 1:6

Humility, it's what's for dinner...

God's really been putting humility on my mind a lot lately, constantly reminding me of it actually.  So, I thought I'd write a little rambling on what I've been processing thus far... 

Humility is defined as:
      A modest or low view of one's own importance; humbleness. 
      Synonyms include: modest, meekness, unassertiveness, lack of pride, servility, etc.

Meekness, unassertiveness, lack of pride, servility... I don't like those words.  They don't sit particularly well with me.  I've always prided myself in being independent.  Strong, capable, able to accomplish and do whatever I wish; a "strong" woman.  

Being a person who struggles with type A tendencies that can turn quickly into being overbearing, controlling, and impatient taking more things on that I should comes naturally to me.  I'm a "doer," so I naturally don't feel like anything is too much.  I'm unaccustomed to lethargy, loathe taking naps, and according to Joe have the wrong definition of down time.  To quote someone very dear to me, I naturally can fall into the "me do" mentality.  My view has always been, hand me the plate and I'll find the stick to spin it with.   If need be, I'll make the stick myself. 

And I truly thought cancer would be just another plate for me to spin.  While I was treating it naturally through diet and supplements, it was.  Life went on, plates were spinning, and I was balancing everything really well, no worries.  Then it became clear that chemo would be needed.
 
Speaking with other individuals who had similar chemo treatments, I was optimistic that the level of disruption would be nominal, 2 or 3 days max.  That was acceptable to me.  My life could handle, or more truthfully I could handle that amount of disruption.  I would be tired for a couple days and then back to normal life.  I planned my treatments accordingly, and had back-up coverage at work to avoid as many conflicts as possible. 

Then my first treatment hit.  I quickly realized that my body's reaction to chemo would not be like the people I talked to.  Out of 10 days, I worked 1/2 of 1 day.  The majority of my time was spent sitting in a chair or lying on the couch; mindlessly watching t.v., or reading.  I wasn't just tired I was physically and mentally ill - just walking around the block was a huge accomplishment.  The mental darkness and depression, side effects of the steroids, is something I've never experienced, and the lack of energy, nausea, and dehydration caused by the other flu-like side effects was equally distressing.  Joe had to take off work.  My parents drove in on the weekend to help, and my co-workers had to pick up my slack.  My plates had come crashing down and I had lost all my sticks.   A very humbling experience for me, I couldn't "do" anything.  My second treatment has been similar to the first.

There is a commonly used phrase that exists which states, "God will never give you more than you can handle."  I don't agree with this statement.  In fact, I believe the opposite is true.  God will allow things in life that will be more than we can handle because we run the risk of believing we are so self-sufficient that we feel we don't need anybody, or more specifically, God.  We also run the risk of taking pride in this self-reliance and equating our worth with our accomplishments.  I am guilty of all of the above.

I'm not saying I'm happy about this, but I can say that through this I'm learning and continue to be refined and shaped. If you are like me and fight these times of struggle, take a moment and pray.  It could be that God is using this struggle we can't handle to make us drop to our knees, humble ourselves, and cry out for help.

As I'm preparing for my third treatment this Thursday I've begrudgingly accepted the fact that the 10 days following will be more than I can handle.  I pray that God will grant me the strength to continue treatment and ask continuously for Him to give me faith when I am discouraged and doubting. 

Lord please meet me when the darkness comes...

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1

And Now There's 4

Even as I'm typing out that title, I'm sobbing.  Sobbing because I can't fathom going through this 4 more times.  Four more times of boarding a plane, allowing people to inject me full of poison, come home, feel like absolute crap for over a week, and then try to put myself back together again, only to feel back to normal right before I have to go through it again.

To say I've been struggling with a few things the past week and a half is an understatement.  If you're reading my blog hoping to be uplifted today, I need to apologize profusely.  I'm all out of optimism right now, so maybe it's best you skip this post.  To say I'm clinging to hope is an understatement, I'm on the ledge of a choice and it's a steep drop to the bottom.

I've been trying to stay positive through this process - keep telling myself tomorrow will be better.  Focus on all the blessings, all the gifts that God has given us through this process, and He has in so many unbelievable ways.  We have amazing support from our family, our church, our friends, so many praying.  Which is why I feel so bad to feel so bad.  What kind of gratitude am I demonstrating?  But real is real and right now I'm mad, hurt, scared, and really, really want to revert back to using all those 4 letter words I used to use in circumstances such as these.

So, this morning I've been chatting with God about this - minus the 4 letter words.  I've been laying it all out for Him today.  How mad at Him I am that I have this. How scared I am about my future.  How unfair I think it is to make Joe go through this again.  How I feel like a whiny petulant child.  How I know that these feelings can change.  How I understand that life is about struggles, and that these refine us, etc. etc. and overall just generally beating myself up for feeling the way I'm feeling, etc.  And let me tell you, I can turn self-loathing into an art form.

Then this song pops up on my Pandora station just now and causes me to pause and process.  I'm not ungrateful or despicable, or any of the other thoughts that were circling around in my head, I'm just in the middle of the struggle and that's ok.

Thought I'd share it for those that are struggling and berating themselves in the process...  https://youtu.be/UUEy8nZvpdM

Now I'm not saying everything is currently sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows, but I have stepped back from the ledge, gained some perspective, some hope, and I pray that you will also.

Thank you Lord!

2 Corinthians 12:9-10  But he said to me,  “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

And Then There Were 5

I had my first chemo treatment last Tuesday, May 5th.  The actual chemo was the easy part, all I did was lay in bed for 8 hours.  It's been the last 8 days that have been the most challenging.  I would like to say that I was all "Zen" during this time, but truth is, most days I was a sobbing mess; digging into God like an anchor to sand, sometimes being dragged by the tide, sometimes firmly planted.  Tossing and turning between hope and despair, I was ready to just be done.

Going through the side effects is an ordeal that I'm not looking forward to repeating.  Hoping that next time will be better.  However, something happened throughout the past week that I feel I have to share.  Something, that I believe, cannot be explained away as coincidence.

A friend of mine (thank you Beth) sent me a text message last Thursday, a passage from the book titled To Live is Christ to Die is Gain by Matt Chandler with Jared Wilson.  She said when she read it Wednesday night she immediately thought of me.  The message in itself was awesome, but even more amazing was that her text message kept resending itself.  Not just once or twice like a glitch, but multiple times not only on Thursday, but throughout this entire week.  It came through when I was at my lowest point (yesterday), or at my higher peaks. 

For example, yesterday when I was sobbing and telling Joe that I just couldn't take anymore and that dying would be a better option, in came the text.  The night previous to that when I was laying in bed, singing, and worshipping God it chimed again.  It chimed over and over so often this week that I've lost count.  I asked my friend about it, and she had no explanation.  In fact, she even deleted it from her phone a few days ago.  Yet even today it came in.  The following is the excerpt she sent me:

"Rejoice, rejoice, rejoice.
God is big enough,
beautiful enough,
strong enough,
lovely enough,
perfect enough,
sustaining enough in any circumstance.
Wherever you are, He is with you, always."

~Jared Wilson

 

Akin to a blinking neon sign, it was a message sent to remind me that no matter what I was feeling at that time He is still He.  It doesn't matter what I was experiencing at that moment, He is unchanging.  He is as constant in our sorrow as in our joy.  What a wonderful gift to be able to trust Him rather than temporal circumstances.  He is always enough, My anchor, My God.

 

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever." Hebrews 13:8

Paradigm Shift

"Don't worry, have faith."  We hear that a lot in Christian circles.  "Just have faith", "You need to have faith", etc.  I think we hear it or speak it so frequently that sometimes it's just a thing we say during a difficult time.  It's become an automatic response, rather than a statement of power.
 
God has been refining my perspective the past week.  Last Sunday He had me crying at a church, in front of people I didn't even know, urging me to accept.  Monday He had me conquering fear and anxiety.  Tuesday and Wednesday He had me chatting with my women's group about my lack of fear and complete peace with what may come in the future. 

Thursday He finished that work so profoundly that I find it difficult to explain. I was worshipping, kneeling down face on the floor, praising God.  Words can't express the experience that transpired, but I know unequivocally that my relationship with God was forever changed that morning.  I left my house reveling in His power, feeling His strength, emboldened by this new level of faith He has granted me. 

This morning I turned on my Kindle and powered up my Bible Gateway App.  Up popped my verse of the day, "And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him." Hebrews 11:6
 
Now, I must confess I haven't read much in Hebrews, but let me tell you, if you're struggling with faith start reading Hebrews.  Hebrews 11 has struck me so deeply because it speaks of ordinary humans.  Humans like me and you, just living their lives.  But because of their faith, not their intelligence, or skill, or job, or education, their faith- their stories live on thousands of years later.  Here's pieces of this chapter:

11 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. ² For by it the people of old received their commendation. ³ By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible.

⁴ By faith Abel offered to God a more acceptable sacrifice than Cain, through which he was commended as righteous, God commending him by accepting his gifts. And through his faith, though he died, he still speaks. ⁵ By faith Enoch was taken up so that he should not see death, and he was not found, because God had taken him. Now before he was taken he was commended as having pleased God. ⁶ And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him. ⁷ By faith Noah, being warned by God concerning events as yet unseen, in reverent fear constructed an ark for the saving of his household. By this he condemned the world and became an heir of the righteousness that comes by faith.
⁸ By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going. ⁹ By faith he went to live in the land of promise, as in a foreign land, living in tents with Isaac and Jacob, heirs with him of the same promise. ¹⁰ For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God. ¹¹ By faith Sarah herself received power to conceive, even when she was past the age, since she considered him faithful who had promised. ¹² Therefore from one man, and him as good as dead, were born descendants as many as the stars of heaven and as many as the innumerable grains of sand by the seashore.

²⁹ By faith the people crossed the Red Sea as on dry land, but the Egyptians, when they attempted to do the same, were drowned. ³⁰ By faith the walls of Jericho fell down after they had been encircled for seven days. ³¹ By faith Rahab the prostitute did not perish with those who were disobedient, because she had given a friendly welcome to the spies.

So, to recap...By faith Noah and his offspring were saved and chosen as the restart button of our kind.  By faith, Abraham left all he knew and because of that generations following flourished in the promised land.  By faith, though barren, Sarah conceived a child, which in turn, by faith, were born descendants as many as the stars.  By faith Moses led his people out of Egypt, by faith the Red Sea parted and they escaped.  By faith the walls of Jericho fell with only some marching and yelling.  The list goes on and on.

Because of their faith, God showed up in powerful ways.  If you're struggling with a life issue today, I pray that this post gives you encouragement, empowers you to be bolder, and draws you closer to the One Almighty God.  All of these people listed above were struggling with something that on their own was insurmountable.  Yet each and every one of them witnessed the power of God, by their faith in God. 

My take away today?  Don't just pray to God about the struggle, pray to God for an increase in the gift of faith.  Pray for an increase in the knowledge and the power of the One who created us, lives in us, and loves us.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:8-9