One Year Later

So, it just dawned on me this evening that it's been a year.  A year yesterday since I was diagnosed and our life shifted.

Within a year's time I've gone through chemo, had a few surgeries, radiation, and started a new job.  I've met and grown close to so many wonderful people, cried with them, prayed with them; fought alongside them.  There are also those that I used to see who are now gone.

At the end of this week I will travel to CTCA for another round of Herceptin and tests. These tests will help determine whether I have any damage to my heart from treatment (I doubt it), capture my bone density for baseline measurements for osteoporosis (due to Arimidex), and check to see if I have any cancer growing (I'm going with no).

Life right now is a weird juxtaposition of layers.  Now that I'm done with the more aggressive treatments and surgeries, I've begun a new job.  And while I'm thankful for the ability to work, it's strange to be at work eating lunch with a colleague, while answering texts from a friend concerned about her test results.  My hair has grown back to the point where people have stopped coming up to me to chat about cancer, and instead compliment me on my haircut.  My health has improved to the point that I can be up on my feet hefting boxes of food for hours a day, however, it takes me two days to recover.  And then there's still treatment.  On one hand, I'm cancer-free, on the other hand, I still have more treatments, supplements, tests, and a hormone blocking pill for 10 years.  Balancing life obligations, cancer prevention requirements, stress, and work is a dance that can be overwhelming at times and one I'm still working on.  

One of my doctors who's also a cancer survivor told me it takes awhile to process everything that's happened.  When she told me this a few months back I was about finished with my radiation treatments and was totally looking forward to be doing "normal" life again.  I didn't really get what she was talking about then, but I think now I'm beginning to understand.
  
Before writing this evening I read through my first post from a year ago.  I must say, the tone surprised me.  It was so positive, bubbly even.  It's weird, because you would think now a year later cancer-free I would be the same, if not more positive or cheerful.  Today my heart is heavy, yet on the other hand, I still can't believe that I'm a person who even had cancer.  Maybe it's because I'm processing, maybe it's because I'm still dealing with side effects of treatment.  I don't know, but in the end I trust God.  I trust His plan and I pray that I am walking in it, not against it.

"Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
    you hold my right hand.
²⁴You guide me with your counsel,
    and afterward you will receive me to glory.
²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you?
    And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73: 23-26