Humility, it's what's for dinner...

God's really been putting humility on my mind a lot lately, constantly reminding me of it actually.  So, I thought I'd write a little rambling on what I've been processing thus far... 

Humility is defined as:
      A modest or low view of one's own importance; humbleness. 
      Synonyms include: modest, meekness, unassertiveness, lack of pride, servility, etc.

Meekness, unassertiveness, lack of pride, servility... I don't like those words.  They don't sit particularly well with me.  I've always prided myself in being independent.  Strong, capable, able to accomplish and do whatever I wish; a "strong" woman.  

Being a person who struggles with type A tendencies that can turn quickly into being overbearing, controlling, and impatient taking more things on that I should comes naturally to me.  I'm a "doer," so I naturally don't feel like anything is too much.  I'm unaccustomed to lethargy, loathe taking naps, and according to Joe have the wrong definition of down time.  To quote someone very dear to me, I naturally can fall into the "me do" mentality.  My view has always been, hand me the plate and I'll find the stick to spin it with.   If need be, I'll make the stick myself. 

And I truly thought cancer would be just another plate for me to spin.  While I was treating it naturally through diet and supplements, it was.  Life went on, plates were spinning, and I was balancing everything really well, no worries.  Then it became clear that chemo would be needed.
 
Speaking with other individuals who had similar chemo treatments, I was optimistic that the level of disruption would be nominal, 2 or 3 days max.  That was acceptable to me.  My life could handle, or more truthfully I could handle that amount of disruption.  I would be tired for a couple days and then back to normal life.  I planned my treatments accordingly, and had back-up coverage at work to avoid as many conflicts as possible. 

Then my first treatment hit.  I quickly realized that my body's reaction to chemo would not be like the people I talked to.  Out of 10 days, I worked 1/2 of 1 day.  The majority of my time was spent sitting in a chair or lying on the couch; mindlessly watching t.v., or reading.  I wasn't just tired I was physically and mentally ill - just walking around the block was a huge accomplishment.  The mental darkness and depression, side effects of the steroids, is something I've never experienced, and the lack of energy, nausea, and dehydration caused by the other flu-like side effects was equally distressing.  Joe had to take off work.  My parents drove in on the weekend to help, and my co-workers had to pick up my slack.  My plates had come crashing down and I had lost all my sticks.   A very humbling experience for me, I couldn't "do" anything.  My second treatment has been similar to the first.

There is a commonly used phrase that exists which states, "God will never give you more than you can handle."  I don't agree with this statement.  In fact, I believe the opposite is true.  God will allow things in life that will be more than we can handle because we run the risk of believing we are so self-sufficient that we feel we don't need anybody, or more specifically, God.  We also run the risk of taking pride in this self-reliance and equating our worth with our accomplishments.  I am guilty of all of the above.

I'm not saying I'm happy about this, but I can say that through this I'm learning and continue to be refined and shaped. If you are like me and fight these times of struggle, take a moment and pray.  It could be that God is using this struggle we can't handle to make us drop to our knees, humble ourselves, and cry out for help.

As I'm preparing for my third treatment this Thursday I've begrudgingly accepted the fact that the 10 days following will be more than I can handle.  I pray that God will grant me the strength to continue treatment and ask continuously for Him to give me faith when I am discouraged and doubting. 

Lord please meet me when the darkness comes...

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1

And Now There's 4

Even as I'm typing out that title, I'm sobbing.  Sobbing because I can't fathom going through this 4 more times.  Four more times of boarding a plane, allowing people to inject me full of poison, come home, feel like absolute crap for over a week, and then try to put myself back together again, only to feel back to normal right before I have to go through it again.

To say I've been struggling with a few things the past week and a half is an understatement.  If you're reading my blog hoping to be uplifted today, I need to apologize profusely.  I'm all out of optimism right now, so maybe it's best you skip this post.  To say I'm clinging to hope is an understatement, I'm on the ledge of a choice and it's a steep drop to the bottom.

I've been trying to stay positive through this process - keep telling myself tomorrow will be better.  Focus on all the blessings, all the gifts that God has given us through this process, and He has in so many unbelievable ways.  We have amazing support from our family, our church, our friends, so many praying.  Which is why I feel so bad to feel so bad.  What kind of gratitude am I demonstrating?  But real is real and right now I'm mad, hurt, scared, and really, really want to revert back to using all those 4 letter words I used to use in circumstances such as these.

So, this morning I've been chatting with God about this - minus the 4 letter words.  I've been laying it all out for Him today.  How mad at Him I am that I have this. How scared I am about my future.  How unfair I think it is to make Joe go through this again.  How I feel like a whiny petulant child.  How I know that these feelings can change.  How I understand that life is about struggles, and that these refine us, etc. etc. and overall just generally beating myself up for feeling the way I'm feeling, etc.  And let me tell you, I can turn self-loathing into an art form.

Then this song pops up on my Pandora station just now and causes me to pause and process.  I'm not ungrateful or despicable, or any of the other thoughts that were circling around in my head, I'm just in the middle of the struggle and that's ok.

Thought I'd share it for those that are struggling and berating themselves in the process...  https://youtu.be/UUEy8nZvpdM

Now I'm not saying everything is currently sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows, but I have stepped back from the ledge, gained some perspective, some hope, and I pray that you will also.

Thank you Lord!

2 Corinthians 12:9-10  But he said to me,  “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

And Then There Were 5

I had my first chemo treatment last Tuesday, May 5th.  The actual chemo was the easy part, all I did was lay in bed for 8 hours.  It's been the last 8 days that have been the most challenging.  I would like to say that I was all "Zen" during this time, but truth is, most days I was a sobbing mess; digging into God like an anchor to sand, sometimes being dragged by the tide, sometimes firmly planted.  Tossing and turning between hope and despair, I was ready to just be done.

Going through the side effects is an ordeal that I'm not looking forward to repeating.  Hoping that next time will be better.  However, something happened throughout the past week that I feel I have to share.  Something, that I believe, cannot be explained away as coincidence.

A friend of mine (thank you Beth) sent me a text message last Thursday, a passage from the book titled To Live is Christ to Die is Gain by Matt Chandler with Jared Wilson.  She said when she read it Wednesday night she immediately thought of me.  The message in itself was awesome, but even more amazing was that her text message kept resending itself.  Not just once or twice like a glitch, but multiple times not only on Thursday, but throughout this entire week.  It came through when I was at my lowest point (yesterday), or at my higher peaks. 

For example, yesterday when I was sobbing and telling Joe that I just couldn't take anymore and that dying would be a better option, in came the text.  The night previous to that when I was laying in bed, singing, and worshipping God it chimed again.  It chimed over and over so often this week that I've lost count.  I asked my friend about it, and she had no explanation.  In fact, she even deleted it from her phone a few days ago.  Yet even today it came in.  The following is the excerpt she sent me:

"Rejoice, rejoice, rejoice.
God is big enough,
beautiful enough,
strong enough,
lovely enough,
perfect enough,
sustaining enough in any circumstance.
Wherever you are, He is with you, always."

~Jared Wilson

 

Akin to a blinking neon sign, it was a message sent to remind me that no matter what I was feeling at that time He is still He.  It doesn't matter what I was experiencing at that moment, He is unchanging.  He is as constant in our sorrow as in our joy.  What a wonderful gift to be able to trust Him rather than temporal circumstances.  He is always enough, My anchor, My God.

 

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever." Hebrews 13:8

Paradigm Shift

"Don't worry, have faith."  We hear that a lot in Christian circles.  "Just have faith", "You need to have faith", etc.  I think we hear it or speak it so frequently that sometimes it's just a thing we say during a difficult time.  It's become an automatic response, rather than a statement of power.
 
God has been refining my perspective the past week.  Last Sunday He had me crying at a church, in front of people I didn't even know, urging me to accept.  Monday He had me conquering fear and anxiety.  Tuesday and Wednesday He had me chatting with my women's group about my lack of fear and complete peace with what may come in the future. 

Thursday He finished that work so profoundly that I find it difficult to explain. I was worshipping, kneeling down face on the floor, praising God.  Words can't express the experience that transpired, but I know unequivocally that my relationship with God was forever changed that morning.  I left my house reveling in His power, feeling His strength, emboldened by this new level of faith He has granted me. 

This morning I turned on my Kindle and powered up my Bible Gateway App.  Up popped my verse of the day, "And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him." Hebrews 11:6
 
Now, I must confess I haven't read much in Hebrews, but let me tell you, if you're struggling with faith start reading Hebrews.  Hebrews 11 has struck me so deeply because it speaks of ordinary humans.  Humans like me and you, just living their lives.  But because of their faith, not their intelligence, or skill, or job, or education, their faith- their stories live on thousands of years later.  Here's pieces of this chapter:

11 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. ² For by it the people of old received their commendation. ³ By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible.

⁴ By faith Abel offered to God a more acceptable sacrifice than Cain, through which he was commended as righteous, God commending him by accepting his gifts. And through his faith, though he died, he still speaks. ⁵ By faith Enoch was taken up so that he should not see death, and he was not found, because God had taken him. Now before he was taken he was commended as having pleased God. ⁶ And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him. ⁷ By faith Noah, being warned by God concerning events as yet unseen, in reverent fear constructed an ark for the saving of his household. By this he condemned the world and became an heir of the righteousness that comes by faith.
⁸ By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going. ⁹ By faith he went to live in the land of promise, as in a foreign land, living in tents with Isaac and Jacob, heirs with him of the same promise. ¹⁰ For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God. ¹¹ By faith Sarah herself received power to conceive, even when she was past the age, since she considered him faithful who had promised. ¹² Therefore from one man, and him as good as dead, were born descendants as many as the stars of heaven and as many as the innumerable grains of sand by the seashore.

²⁹ By faith the people crossed the Red Sea as on dry land, but the Egyptians, when they attempted to do the same, were drowned. ³⁰ By faith the walls of Jericho fell down after they had been encircled for seven days. ³¹ By faith Rahab the prostitute did not perish with those who were disobedient, because she had given a friendly welcome to the spies.

So, to recap...By faith Noah and his offspring were saved and chosen as the restart button of our kind.  By faith, Abraham left all he knew and because of that generations following flourished in the promised land.  By faith, though barren, Sarah conceived a child, which in turn, by faith, were born descendants as many as the stars.  By faith Moses led his people out of Egypt, by faith the Red Sea parted and they escaped.  By faith the walls of Jericho fell with only some marching and yelling.  The list goes on and on.

Because of their faith, God showed up in powerful ways.  If you're struggling with a life issue today, I pray that this post gives you encouragement, empowers you to be bolder, and draws you closer to the One Almighty God.  All of these people listed above were struggling with something that on their own was insurmountable.  Yet each and every one of them witnessed the power of God, by their faith in God. 

My take away today?  Don't just pray to God about the struggle, pray to God for an increase in the gift of faith.  Pray for an increase in the knowledge and the power of the One who created us, lives in us, and loves us.

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:8-9

  
 

A Matter of Perspective

As I'm sitting facing the oncologist at Cancer Treatment Centers of America, I am forced to come to terms with something I was hoping to avoid.  Chemo.  I know for most it probably seems somewhat matter of fact.  A (you have cancer) + B (you need treatment) = C (chemo).  If you have been following my blog, then you know that I was hoping and praying to be able to treat this without the use of chemo or radiation.  Apparently this is not going to be possible.
 
I have a few factors that have tipped the scales....
1.  Triple positive breast cancer is more aggressive
2.  The younger you are, the more aggressive breast cancer is in general
3.  Unsure if tumor has gotten larger or just changed shape due to biopsy
4.  According to MRI, there's been no involvement of lymph nodes, etc.
5.  They believe it has not spread...yet.  But the nature of my tumor will unless treated, possibly quickly
 
And so I was confronted with the fears of my research.  I guess sometimes you can know too much.  Side effects, long term prognosis, recurrence.  I know for most, chemo is thought of as a life saving drug.  And to be sure it has saved lives, for some at a cost.  But for me, it's been a fear hovering in the background.  Listening to the doctor talk strategies, I begin to tear up.  There are 2.  One is crazy harsh, the other, less so.  So, we can start with the latter and if that doesn't work, then we'll have to bring in the heavy artillery.  I am somewhat aware that logic is walking out of the building at this point, but I just cannot chase it down.  
 
So has the doctor, but instead of being annoyed she is patient.  Somewhat surprised, but patient as I begin to list out my fears; congestive heart failure, chemo causing future cancers, side effects, early menopause.  Fears spilling out more and more tears she hands me a box of tissues, waits, and listens.  Finally all talked out, she examines me.  More tears, more reassurances.  She knows I'm not ready to make this decision.  But instead of pushing the issue, she talks about anxiety and a change of perspective.  She hugs me and leaves, giving me a few minutes to dress before the Naturopathic doctor comes in.
 
I excuse myself and head to the bathroom.  Make it before I lose all control.  Sobbing I have a quick conversation with God...
 
Me: Am I really supposed to have this?
God: ...
Me: Okay, Lord if this is what's next, then prevent my fear from making another decision.  Prevent me from running from the very thing that any rational person can see I need to do. Prevent me from responding to the fear.
 
I had a much different perspective of how this went down until a few minutes ago.  I didn't see the compassion the doctor showed me.  I didn't recognize the care in her actions, the gentleness, the truth.  Honestly, didn't notice any of that until I've been typing it.  All I saw was something being forced on me that I didn't want to do.  I saw nothing beneficial. 
 
How often do we run from Truth? How often are we not able to see the benefit in a given situation?
 
We got to listen to our friend Ricky preach today.  My plight running in the back of my mind, I sat listening.  There was a specific statement that particularly resonated with me.  Of course, I wish that I could remember it word for word, but I can't. (sorry Ricky)  All I can remember is: God wants what's beneficial for us. (or something like that)  Side note: Beneficial does not necessarily equate to what we believe would make us happy.  Anyone who tries to tell you it does, isn't speaking truth.

I knew my perspective needed a shift. 
 
I'm left with having to confess the truth...many things that occurred during my visit to Cancer Treatment Center were beneficial.  The less aggressive chemo option and extended delivery, beneficial.  The supplements to fend off side effects, heart problems, beneficial.  All my docs; surgeon, naturopath, and dietician, beneficial.  My radiation oncologist who let me pepper her with questions regarding her bout with breast cancer, beneficial.  The MRI that showed no spread to lymph nodes, beneficial.  Our financial advisor who informed us that the 3 days of visits would probably cost us nothing, beneficial.  Free airfare for consultations, beneficial. Free meals and lodging, beneficial.
 
Presently being reminded about my last post, and feeling humbled.  What a great reminder of how self-focused we can be when pain is applied.
 
Thank you Lord for a new perspective!

Bumps in the Road

Most have them.  Bumps in the road.  Things that occur that change our trajectory.  Some seem to have little speed bumps, others craters, others Chicago style potholes that swallow part of a car.  However, there are those that seem to have an internal GPS that navigates around any little bump that may take them off course.  These are the people that for years I've stared in wonderment, questioned, and generally held a secret envy.  These people that skate through life, untouched, unaffected, path always clear, always one step ahead of disaster.  I am not one of those people.
 
I am one of those people that stopped making plans, because plans for me lost all validity.  Not one of my plans, not one of my dreams for my future that I envisioned as a kid or a teen came into fruition.  Not one.  I'm discussing this not to bring about sympathy or despair.  It's simply the facts.  Now, if this were a movie I'd be sitting in a dingy bar, retelling this story to an old high school friend I'd run into somewhere.  I'd look downtrodden, disgruntled, and depressed.  I am not one of those people.
 
I remember the instant that my life changed.  The very instant that I dropped.  It was the night that I gave up, dropped to my knees sobbing, and said a few simple phrases, "I give up.  Everything I've tried to do has failed, I have no idea what to do.  If you're real, then tell me what my purpose is, and I'll do it.  Whatever it is."  Important side note here, I was not a Christian and I did not wake up the next day with my life's manifesto in my lap.  I am not one of those people.
 
In fact, I regularly had this one-sided discussion out loud and/or internally for about 6 months.  "Show me my purpose, and I'll do it, just show me my purpose."  Finally it happened.  No, there wasn't a burning bush, or angels from on high, or even really cool theme music.  I am not one of those people.
 
There was just a thought, or a sentence, voiced in my mind... it's difficult to describe.  Just one simple thought/sentence.  I knew it wasn't from me, but I knew it was for me.  This sentence didn't tell me my purpose, it didn't tell me a plan, just an action, just a step.  Move. Move from Chicago to Colorado.  So I did.  I apparently am one of those people.
 
I won't go into all the details that transpired after this one action.  This post is already lengthy, however, suffice to say this one decision completely changed my life's trajectory and has taught me more, given me more, taken away more than I've ever experienced previously. 

My opinion?  I think we have an incorrect definition of purpose.  I believe God views purpose as a very fluid idea.  I don't think we do.  I think we view it as our life plan, unchanging, our path, our road to travel, a destination to obtain, some big grand plan, our purpose.  Which is why when bumps, craters, or detours occur we get so rattled.
 
It wasn't until I gave up this idea of purpose or "my path" that I began to have purpose.  And I'm not talking about the Mother Theresa or the after school special kind of purpose.  Mine didn't come with any big proclamations or mission statements.  I'm not one of those people. 

But in looking back, I can see the part I played, the delicate way He weaved paths together, created intersections, and off ramps.  My purpose during that time is very clear, although at the time, I had no idea I was fulfilling any kind of purpose.  I was just following directives, praying in earnest, taking action as I was led.
 
As I'm looking at my current path and thinking about the past the word purpose keeps coming up.  I hate that I have cancer.  Hate it.  In fact since being diagnosed I've prayed words I haven't prayed since Colorado, "Show me the Good in this."  And He has in some pretty cool ways.  Now, mind you, I'm not saying that being diagnosed with cancer has been a good thing.  I am not one of those people, well not yet anyway.

But I know that in looking back I'll be able to see the paths, just like before.  I have no idea what purpose this disease, this cancer, will contribute to my or others lives'.  But I do know that since I made that decision that fateful night all of my speed bumps, my roadblocks, my personal afflictions and tragedies have served a purpose either for myself or for someone else.

And so this will too...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." ~Jeremiah 29: 11-13

The Day After

So, last week I went to an oncologist appointment at the James Center. The good news?  She doesn't believe that it has spread,  Praise God!  This is a relief, especially after finding out that the tumor is Her2 positive; meaning that it can be more aggressive. 

I know many of you have asked how I am.  On a daily basis, I'm usually fine.  Life has been going on like normal for the most part.  Sure, our daily prayers have changed a little to include something to the effect of, "Heal this cancer, Lord."  Sure, my daily routine and diet has changed a little - goodbye morning cup of coffee, hello vegetarian, flaxseed/cottage cheese emulsion, no sugar, lifestyle.  But other than that, not much different.  Most days the fact that I have cancer is on the backburner, rather than the front.

The days that are difficult for me are the days after the doctor appointments.  These have been my worse, I have cancer, days.  I don't know if it's the prodding, or the discussing, or the questions; whatever it is, the day after seems to be the day when I feel the most lost, most hopeless, and most fearful.  These are the days when I wait until Joe has left for work, curl up into a ball and sob.  And I mean the ugly, shirt soaking, guttural sounding, crying out to God, body shaking, kind of sobs.

Last Tuesday was no different.  However, during my sobbing, these thoughts flooded into my head and kept repeating. Jesus weeps for us in our grief.  He sobs when we sob...

Now me not being the, I've memorized all kinds of verse and chapter in the bible individual, had to look it up today for this post.  I remembered that I'd read something about it at some point, but had no idea where it would be.  And if you haven't read the Bible, well, it's a pretty thick book.  It's times like these where prayer and Google become my best search engines. 

Finally, found it in Romans. "The Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." (Romans 8:26)  And He did.  He was there, letting me sob in His lap, placing His hand on my head.  I have no idea how long I laid there and cried, but I felt His presence, His love, His pain for my pain. 

And that was the Good in the Bad.

Thank you God, for being my comfort, my peace, and my refuge in the day after.