As I'm sitting facing the oncologist at Cancer Treatment Centers of America, I am forced to come to terms with something I was hoping to avoid. Chemo. I know for most it probably seems somewhat matter of fact. A (you have cancer) + B (you need treatment) = C (chemo). If you have been following my blog, then you know that I was hoping and praying to be able to treat this without the use of chemo or radiation. Apparently this is not going to be possible.
I have a few factors that have tipped the scales....
1. Triple positive breast cancer is more aggressive
2. The younger you are, the more aggressive breast cancer is in general
3. Unsure if tumor has gotten larger or just changed shape due to biopsy
4. According to MRI, there's been no involvement of lymph nodes, etc.
5. They believe it has not spread...yet. But the nature of my tumor will unless treated, possibly quickly
And so I was confronted with the fears of my research. I guess sometimes you can know too much. Side effects, long term prognosis, recurrence. I know for most, chemo is thought of as a life saving drug. And to be sure it has saved lives, for some at a cost. But for me, it's been a fear hovering in the background. Listening to the doctor talk strategies, I begin to tear up. There are 2. One is crazy harsh, the other, less so. So, we can start with the latter and if that doesn't work, then we'll have to bring in the heavy artillery. I am somewhat aware that logic is walking out of the building at this point, but I just cannot chase it down.
So has the doctor, but instead of being annoyed she is patient. Somewhat surprised, but patient as I begin to list out my fears; congestive heart failure, chemo causing future cancers, side effects, early menopause. Fears spilling out more and more tears she hands me a box of tissues, waits, and listens. Finally all talked out, she examines me. More tears, more reassurances. She knows I'm not ready to make this decision. But instead of pushing the issue, she talks about anxiety and a change of perspective. She hugs me and leaves, giving me a few minutes to dress before the Naturopathic doctor comes in.
I excuse myself and head to the bathroom. Make it before I lose all control. Sobbing I have a quick conversation with God...
Me: Am I really supposed to have this?
God: ...
Me: Okay, Lord if this is what's next, then prevent my fear from making another decision. Prevent me from running from the very thing that any rational person can see I need to do. Prevent me from responding to the fear.
I had a much different perspective of how this went down until a few minutes ago. I didn't see the compassion the doctor showed me. I didn't recognize the care in her actions, the gentleness, the truth. Honestly, didn't notice any of that until I've been typing it. All I saw was something being forced on me that I didn't want to do. I saw nothing beneficial.
How often do we run from Truth? How often are we not able to see the benefit in a given situation?
We got to listen to our friend Ricky preach today. My plight running in the back of my mind, I sat listening. There was a specific statement that particularly resonated with me. Of course, I wish that I could remember it word for word, but I can't. (sorry Ricky) All I can remember is: God wants what's beneficial for us. (or something like that) Side note: Beneficial does not necessarily equate to what we believe would make us happy. Anyone who tries to tell you it does, isn't speaking truth.
I knew my perspective needed a shift.
I'm left with having to confess the truth...many things that occurred during my visit to Cancer Treatment Center were beneficial. The less aggressive chemo option and extended delivery, beneficial. The supplements to fend off side effects, heart problems, beneficial. All my docs; surgeon, naturopath, and dietician, beneficial. My radiation oncologist who let me pepper her with questions regarding her bout with breast cancer, beneficial. The MRI that showed no spread to lymph nodes, beneficial. Our financial advisor who informed us that the 3 days of visits would probably cost us nothing, beneficial. Free airfare for consultations, beneficial. Free meals and lodging, beneficial.
Presently being reminded about my last post, and feeling humbled. What a great reminder of how self-focused we can be when pain is applied.
Thank you Lord for a new perspective!
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Bumps in the Road
Most have them. Bumps in the road. Things that occur that change our trajectory. Some seem to have little speed bumps, others craters, others Chicago style potholes that swallow part of a car. However, there are those that seem to have an internal GPS that navigates around any little bump that may take them off course. These are the people that for years I've stared in wonderment, questioned, and generally held a secret envy. These people that skate through life, untouched, unaffected, path always clear, always one step ahead of disaster. I am not one of those people.
I am one of those people that stopped making plans, because plans for me lost all validity. Not one of my plans, not one of my dreams for my future that I envisioned as a kid or a teen came into fruition. Not one. I'm discussing this not to bring about sympathy or despair. It's simply the facts. Now, if this were a movie I'd be sitting in a dingy bar, retelling this story to an old high school friend I'd run into somewhere. I'd look downtrodden, disgruntled, and depressed. I am not one of those people.
I remember the instant that my life changed. The very instant that I dropped. It was the night that I gave up, dropped to my knees sobbing, and said a few simple phrases, "I give up. Everything I've tried to do has failed, I have no idea what to do. If you're real, then tell me what my purpose is, and I'll do it. Whatever it is." Important side note here, I was not a Christian and I did not wake up the next day with my life's manifesto in my lap. I am not one of those people.
In fact, I regularly had this one-sided discussion out loud and/or internally for about 6 months. "Show me my purpose, and I'll do it, just show me my purpose." Finally it happened. No, there wasn't a burning bush, or angels from on high, or even really cool theme music. I am not one of those people.
There was just a thought, or a sentence, voiced in my mind... it's difficult to describe. Just one simple thought/sentence. I knew it wasn't from me, but I knew it was for me. This sentence didn't tell me my purpose, it didn't tell me a plan, just an action, just a step. Move. Move from Chicago to Colorado. So I did. I apparently am one of those people.
I won't go into all the details that transpired after this one action. This post is already lengthy, however, suffice to say this one decision completely changed my life's trajectory and has taught me more, given me more, taken away more than I've ever experienced previously.
My opinion? I think we have an incorrect definition of purpose. I believe God views purpose as a very fluid idea. I don't think we do. I think we view it as our life plan, unchanging, our path, our road to travel, a destination to obtain, some big grand plan, our purpose. Which is why when bumps, craters, or detours occur we get so rattled.
It wasn't until I gave up this idea of purpose or "my path" that I began to have purpose. And I'm not talking about the Mother Theresa or the after school special kind of purpose. Mine didn't come with any big proclamations or mission statements. I'm not one of those people.
But in looking back, I can see the part I played, the delicate way He weaved paths together, created intersections, and off ramps. My purpose during that time is very clear, although at the time, I had no idea I was fulfilling any kind of purpose. I was just following directives, praying in earnest, taking action as I was led.
As I'm looking at my current path and thinking about the past the word purpose keeps coming up. I hate that I have cancer. Hate it. In fact since being diagnosed I've prayed words I haven't prayed since Colorado, "Show me the Good in this." And He has in some pretty cool ways. Now, mind you, I'm not saying that being diagnosed with cancer has been a good thing. I am not one of those people, well not yet anyway.
But I know that in looking back I'll be able to see the paths, just like before. I have no idea what purpose this disease, this cancer, will contribute to my or others lives'. But I do know that since I made that decision that fateful night all of my speed bumps, my roadblocks, my personal afflictions and tragedies have served a purpose either for myself or for someone else.
And so this will too...
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." ~Jeremiah 29: 11-13
I am one of those people that stopped making plans, because plans for me lost all validity. Not one of my plans, not one of my dreams for my future that I envisioned as a kid or a teen came into fruition. Not one. I'm discussing this not to bring about sympathy or despair. It's simply the facts. Now, if this were a movie I'd be sitting in a dingy bar, retelling this story to an old high school friend I'd run into somewhere. I'd look downtrodden, disgruntled, and depressed. I am not one of those people.
I remember the instant that my life changed. The very instant that I dropped. It was the night that I gave up, dropped to my knees sobbing, and said a few simple phrases, "I give up. Everything I've tried to do has failed, I have no idea what to do. If you're real, then tell me what my purpose is, and I'll do it. Whatever it is." Important side note here, I was not a Christian and I did not wake up the next day with my life's manifesto in my lap. I am not one of those people.
In fact, I regularly had this one-sided discussion out loud and/or internally for about 6 months. "Show me my purpose, and I'll do it, just show me my purpose." Finally it happened. No, there wasn't a burning bush, or angels from on high, or even really cool theme music. I am not one of those people.
There was just a thought, or a sentence, voiced in my mind... it's difficult to describe. Just one simple thought/sentence. I knew it wasn't from me, but I knew it was for me. This sentence didn't tell me my purpose, it didn't tell me a plan, just an action, just a step. Move. Move from Chicago to Colorado. So I did. I apparently am one of those people.
I won't go into all the details that transpired after this one action. This post is already lengthy, however, suffice to say this one decision completely changed my life's trajectory and has taught me more, given me more, taken away more than I've ever experienced previously.
My opinion? I think we have an incorrect definition of purpose. I believe God views purpose as a very fluid idea. I don't think we do. I think we view it as our life plan, unchanging, our path, our road to travel, a destination to obtain, some big grand plan, our purpose. Which is why when bumps, craters, or detours occur we get so rattled.
It wasn't until I gave up this idea of purpose or "my path" that I began to have purpose. And I'm not talking about the Mother Theresa or the after school special kind of purpose. Mine didn't come with any big proclamations or mission statements. I'm not one of those people.
But in looking back, I can see the part I played, the delicate way He weaved paths together, created intersections, and off ramps. My purpose during that time is very clear, although at the time, I had no idea I was fulfilling any kind of purpose. I was just following directives, praying in earnest, taking action as I was led.
As I'm looking at my current path and thinking about the past the word purpose keeps coming up. I hate that I have cancer. Hate it. In fact since being diagnosed I've prayed words I haven't prayed since Colorado, "Show me the Good in this." And He has in some pretty cool ways. Now, mind you, I'm not saying that being diagnosed with cancer has been a good thing. I am not one of those people, well not yet anyway.
But I know that in looking back I'll be able to see the paths, just like before. I have no idea what purpose this disease, this cancer, will contribute to my or others lives'. But I do know that since I made that decision that fateful night all of my speed bumps, my roadblocks, my personal afflictions and tragedies have served a purpose either for myself or for someone else.
And so this will too...
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." ~Jeremiah 29: 11-13
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
The Day After
So, last week I went to an oncologist appointment at the James Center. The good news? She doesn't believe that it has spread, Praise God! This is a relief, especially after finding out that the tumor is Her2 positive; meaning that it can be more aggressive.
I know many of you have asked how I am. On a daily basis, I'm usually fine. Life has been going on like normal for the most part. Sure, our daily prayers have changed a little to include something to the effect of, "Heal this cancer, Lord." Sure, my daily routine and diet has changed a little - goodbye morning cup of coffee, hello vegetarian, flaxseed/cottage cheese emulsion, no sugar, lifestyle. But other than that, not much different. Most days the fact that I have cancer is on the backburner, rather than the front.
The days that are difficult for me are the days after the doctor appointments. These have been my worse, I have cancer, days. I don't know if it's the prodding, or the discussing, or the questions; whatever it is, the day after seems to be the day when I feel the most lost, most hopeless, and most fearful. These are the days when I wait until Joe has left for work, curl up into a ball and sob. And I mean the ugly, shirt soaking, guttural sounding, crying out to God, body shaking, kind of sobs.
Last Tuesday was no different. However, during my sobbing, these thoughts flooded into my head and kept repeating. Jesus weeps for us in our grief. He sobs when we sob...
Now me not being the, I've memorized all kinds of verse and chapter in the bible individual, had to look it up today for this post. I remembered that I'd read something about it at some point, but had no idea where it would be. And if you haven't read the Bible, well, it's a pretty thick book. It's times like these where prayer and Google become my best search engines.
Finally, found it in Romans. "The Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." (Romans 8:26) And He did. He was there, letting me sob in His lap, placing His hand on my head. I have no idea how long I laid there and cried, but I felt His presence, His love, His pain for my pain.
And that was the Good in the Bad.
Thank you God, for being my comfort, my peace, and my refuge in the day after.
I know many of you have asked how I am. On a daily basis, I'm usually fine. Life has been going on like normal for the most part. Sure, our daily prayers have changed a little to include something to the effect of, "Heal this cancer, Lord." Sure, my daily routine and diet has changed a little - goodbye morning cup of coffee, hello vegetarian, flaxseed/cottage cheese emulsion, no sugar, lifestyle. But other than that, not much different. Most days the fact that I have cancer is on the backburner, rather than the front.
The days that are difficult for me are the days after the doctor appointments. These have been my worse, I have cancer, days. I don't know if it's the prodding, or the discussing, or the questions; whatever it is, the day after seems to be the day when I feel the most lost, most hopeless, and most fearful. These are the days when I wait until Joe has left for work, curl up into a ball and sob. And I mean the ugly, shirt soaking, guttural sounding, crying out to God, body shaking, kind of sobs.
Last Tuesday was no different. However, during my sobbing, these thoughts flooded into my head and kept repeating. Jesus weeps for us in our grief. He sobs when we sob...
Now me not being the, I've memorized all kinds of verse and chapter in the bible individual, had to look it up today for this post. I remembered that I'd read something about it at some point, but had no idea where it would be. And if you haven't read the Bible, well, it's a pretty thick book. It's times like these where prayer and Google become my best search engines.
Finally, found it in Romans. "The Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans." (Romans 8:26) And He did. He was there, letting me sob in His lap, placing His hand on my head. I have no idea how long I laid there and cried, but I felt His presence, His love, His pain for my pain.
And that was the Good in the Bad.
Thank you God, for being my comfort, my peace, and my refuge in the day after.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Update Diagnosis
So, last week included a couple of visits to doctors. It's a crazy thing, these visits. Filling out the forms, answering the questions like, "What brought you in here today?" Breast Cancer. "Have you ever had any of the following..." Cancer, check, currently diagnosed. "When did you get diagnosed?" Then there's the lovely smock and the exam. It's amazing how quickly I got used to that. How quickly what used to be private becomes just medical.
I've talked with 4 doctor's offices during the past 2 weeks, and from the sound of it, most of them are surprised that I'm taking time, moving slowly through this process. From what I gather, the standard progression is: diagnosis, then quickly surgery, chemo, radiation, etc, a whirlwind of care. And I get that. The very first time I heard the words, "This is what we thought it is," I wanted it out. Just get it out, kill it, eradicate it; waiting was the last thing on my mind. I also understand that waiting for some is not an option and I view this waiting as a blessing from God. A blessing that has given me space to wrap my mind around this, research, pray, and look at my options. More on this waiting later.
Here's the update from my last doctor's visits:
1. According to surgeon, Dr. Murley, the cancer is Stage 1, Grade 2, HER2+, estrogen and progesterone +, and given it's size, doubtful that it spread. YAY! She believes the treatment plan would probably look like this:
2. My second appointment this week was with Miesse's, a naturopath out of Springfield. Not only did he know about the Budwig Protocol that I've been following, he also added some supplements to my plan as well. For those of you who are curious about what I am doing it is as follows:
So, that's the update to what we've been doing thus far while we wait. I see an oncologist on March 30, who will order the MRI and genetic testing. Until then I do my alternative therapies and wait. That's the message I've been getting; wait Les, just wait. Wait for the alternative treatments to do their work (hopefully the MRI will show it shrinking), and wait until the 30th to see the oncologist. This waiting hasn't been easy, patience is not one of the things I'm particularly gifted at and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared from time to time; but it's been good. God is good!
I know that many of you have been praying for miraculous healing and I know that whatever treatments I need, I will be healed. I have felt that since the first day I felt the lump. However, how that healing comes is not for me to decide. In other words, do not be discouraged if it takes time.
I think many times people think that if healing takes time then it's not miraculous. We expect all miracle healings to occur like most do in the bible, instantaneously; like when He healed the leper, the blind, the infirm, etc. These kinds of healings do occur and we hear about them even in the present day. But if it turns out I'm not healed instantaneously that does not mean it's not miraculous; merely that God chose my healing to take time.
Why He would choose that approach is not for me to argue but to accept. Accept that He has a greater purpose in the taking time process than through the instantaneous process. That His purpose is greater than me, my schedule, my life. What that purpose is I know not, but nevertheless it's there and it's His.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do." ~ James 2-8
Thank you for your prayers, your thoughts, and your love!
~Les
I've talked with 4 doctor's offices during the past 2 weeks, and from the sound of it, most of them are surprised that I'm taking time, moving slowly through this process. From what I gather, the standard progression is: diagnosis, then quickly surgery, chemo, radiation, etc, a whirlwind of care. And I get that. The very first time I heard the words, "This is what we thought it is," I wanted it out. Just get it out, kill it, eradicate it; waiting was the last thing on my mind. I also understand that waiting for some is not an option and I view this waiting as a blessing from God. A blessing that has given me space to wrap my mind around this, research, pray, and look at my options. More on this waiting later.
Here's the update from my last doctor's visits:
1. According to surgeon, Dr. Murley, the cancer is Stage 1, Grade 2, HER2+, estrogen and progesterone +, and given it's size, doubtful that it spread. YAY! She believes the treatment plan would probably look like this:
- Chemotherapy first to shrink or kill off the tumor entirely - not sure how many rounds
- Surgery to remove anything left and remove the location marker inserted during biopsy
- Radiation
- 5 years of Tamoxifen
- Chemotherapy
- Double Mastectomy
- 5 years of Tamoxifen
2. My second appointment this week was with Miesse's, a naturopath out of Springfield. Not only did he know about the Budwig Protocol that I've been following, he also added some supplements to my plan as well. For those of you who are curious about what I am doing it is as follows:
- Budwig Protocol including raw vegetarian diet
- Apricot Kernals
- Supplements
So, that's the update to what we've been doing thus far while we wait. I see an oncologist on March 30, who will order the MRI and genetic testing. Until then I do my alternative therapies and wait. That's the message I've been getting; wait Les, just wait. Wait for the alternative treatments to do their work (hopefully the MRI will show it shrinking), and wait until the 30th to see the oncologist. This waiting hasn't been easy, patience is not one of the things I'm particularly gifted at and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared from time to time; but it's been good. God is good!
I know that many of you have been praying for miraculous healing and I know that whatever treatments I need, I will be healed. I have felt that since the first day I felt the lump. However, how that healing comes is not for me to decide. In other words, do not be discouraged if it takes time.
I think many times people think that if healing takes time then it's not miraculous. We expect all miracle healings to occur like most do in the bible, instantaneously; like when He healed the leper, the blind, the infirm, etc. These kinds of healings do occur and we hear about them even in the present day. But if it turns out I'm not healed instantaneously that does not mean it's not miraculous; merely that God chose my healing to take time.
Why He would choose that approach is not for me to argue but to accept. Accept that He has a greater purpose in the taking time process than through the instantaneous process. That His purpose is greater than me, my schedule, my life. What that purpose is I know not, but nevertheless it's there and it's His.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do." ~ James 2-8
Thank you for your prayers, your thoughts, and your love!
~Les
Thursday, March 12, 2015
Hello Darkness, Not My Friend
So, remember in my previous post when I talked about having to face fear more objectively than other before? Earlier this week was one of those dark times...
I was just settling down for my morning flaxseed, flaxseed oil, and cottage cheese concoction (mmm, mmm, good) when I began to be barraged by thoughts. Cheery thoughts along the lines of...You're not going to beat this, you have cancer, you're going to die, Joe is going to be left alone. It's spreading, it's spreading all over. And as it builds, other statements come into play: God doesn't care about you, He doesn't care about your husband, you won't win, this won't work, you're dumb, you're stupid, etc. The attack continues on for awhile and it's getting more than a little dark and I'm getting more than a little panicky...
For those of you who have dealt with fear, worry, anxiety, you probably know what I'm talking about. Everything seems to be hurling out of control and I came very close to chucking it all and running around like Chicken Little.
But then I paused... and remembered I had a choice. A choice to call it out for what it is and stand strong. I started denouncing it in the name God. And when the messages got stronger and louder: mocking me, trying to make me doubt; I got louder and stronger. In fact I had a church service in my living room for awhile. Did I say things that were eloquent? Nope. Was my delivery smooth? Nope.
What I can tell you as the tears were streaming down, a power was also building and gaining strength. And suddenly, words burst forth in my mind and with one simple statement. "The Lord, my God, will not forsake me, HE WILL NOT FORSAKE ME!" The worry, fear, and anxiety ended and I went back to eating my flaxseed cottage breakfast and praising God.
I'm learning more and more about the powerful tool of fear. For those of you that struggle with fear, like me, you need to understand a very basic truth. The kind of fear that I experienced was not of God. And when that kind of fear comes around, you need to call it out and denounce it.
Sometimes what God asks us to do in our lives may be scary because it's unknown or new; the enemy loves nothing more than using that to his advantage. I didn't always understand this, and looking back I know I made decisions based on the but what if, because I let my fear of being unsure choose my path. Of course back then I didn't have a relationship with God.
We all have struggles and experience situations that can be filled with fear. For some it's the struggle of unemployment or changing jobs/careers, others it may be an illness, or maybe the fear of entering into or leaving a relationship, fear of loss, fear of loneliness, past regrets or shame; I could go on and on, the list is long. Sure the fear is real, but we don't need to let it control our decisions. Decisions of this nature made in fear are not really decisions but responses.
One thing we all have in common, whatever issue that we're going through, whatever fear is being placed in your heart or mind, understand that there is a greater power that exists. And. He. Is. Real.
******************************
On a side note: I know some of my friends may object strongly to this declaration. I know this may spark a theological debate. I know some who would think it's only now that I've become a believer. To be honest, in that past I think I've let fear keep me from declaring more openly at times. Fear of not knowing what to say, or not being able to have the right proof/response, etc. So let me be firm in stating that I have been a follower of Jesus for the past 5 years now and I know without a doubt that God does exist. In fact to deny His existence would mean to take away all the undeniable ways in which He has shown his existence to me, cared for me, and gave me life more fulfilling, more full of joy, more than I could ever have created on my own.
I know this, and continue to be blown away by His desire to help, comfort, and love me. If you are fearful today, please call out to God and denounce whatever it is in His name and command it to leave, break the chain.
"Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you." ~ Deuteronomy 31:6
AMEN and thank you Jesus!
I was just settling down for my morning flaxseed, flaxseed oil, and cottage cheese concoction (mmm, mmm, good) when I began to be barraged by thoughts. Cheery thoughts along the lines of...You're not going to beat this, you have cancer, you're going to die, Joe is going to be left alone. It's spreading, it's spreading all over. And as it builds, other statements come into play: God doesn't care about you, He doesn't care about your husband, you won't win, this won't work, you're dumb, you're stupid, etc. The attack continues on for awhile and it's getting more than a little dark and I'm getting more than a little panicky...
For those of you who have dealt with fear, worry, anxiety, you probably know what I'm talking about. Everything seems to be hurling out of control and I came very close to chucking it all and running around like Chicken Little.
But then I paused... and remembered I had a choice. A choice to call it out for what it is and stand strong. I started denouncing it in the name God. And when the messages got stronger and louder: mocking me, trying to make me doubt; I got louder and stronger. In fact I had a church service in my living room for awhile. Did I say things that were eloquent? Nope. Was my delivery smooth? Nope.
What I can tell you as the tears were streaming down, a power was also building and gaining strength. And suddenly, words burst forth in my mind and with one simple statement. "The Lord, my God, will not forsake me, HE WILL NOT FORSAKE ME!" The worry, fear, and anxiety ended and I went back to eating my flaxseed cottage breakfast and praising God.
I'm learning more and more about the powerful tool of fear. For those of you that struggle with fear, like me, you need to understand a very basic truth. The kind of fear that I experienced was not of God. And when that kind of fear comes around, you need to call it out and denounce it.
Sometimes what God asks us to do in our lives may be scary because it's unknown or new; the enemy loves nothing more than using that to his advantage. I didn't always understand this, and looking back I know I made decisions based on the but what if, because I let my fear of being unsure choose my path. Of course back then I didn't have a relationship with God.
We all have struggles and experience situations that can be filled with fear. For some it's the struggle of unemployment or changing jobs/careers, others it may be an illness, or maybe the fear of entering into or leaving a relationship, fear of loss, fear of loneliness, past regrets or shame; I could go on and on, the list is long. Sure the fear is real, but we don't need to let it control our decisions. Decisions of this nature made in fear are not really decisions but responses.
One thing we all have in common, whatever issue that we're going through, whatever fear is being placed in your heart or mind, understand that there is a greater power that exists. And. He. Is. Real.
******************************
On a side note: I know some of my friends may object strongly to this declaration. I know this may spark a theological debate. I know some who would think it's only now that I've become a believer. To be honest, in that past I think I've let fear keep me from declaring more openly at times. Fear of not knowing what to say, or not being able to have the right proof/response, etc. So let me be firm in stating that I have been a follower of Jesus for the past 5 years now and I know without a doubt that God does exist. In fact to deny His existence would mean to take away all the undeniable ways in which He has shown his existence to me, cared for me, and gave me life more fulfilling, more full of joy, more than I could ever have created on my own.
I know this, and continue to be blown away by His desire to help, comfort, and love me. If you are fearful today, please call out to God and denounce whatever it is in His name and command it to leave, break the chain.
"Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you." ~ Deuteronomy 31:6
AMEN and thank you Jesus!
Monday, March 9, 2015
I Have Cancer
I do. I have cancer, most of the time I still can't believe it. For those of you that are finding out while reading this, I apologize. I know this comes as a shock. It is not my intention to use this medium to drop an emotional bomb. I just feel it's time to begin this blog, and though I understand that it may be upsetting that you didn't get a call/text personally, please do not take it too much to heart. It's not that I don't think of you as a close friend, family member, etc., it's merely that I can't really handle the idea of calling everyone, rehashing the same story over and over. It's too painful right now to do that, and quite frankly not something that I want to recap on the regular right now. So, I'm doing it now in the hopes that I won't have to in the future.
It's been four days now since we got the call confirming what I already felt God telling me in my heart was true. To be specific I have infiltrated or invasive ductal carcinoma. In English that means it started in my milk duct and has spread to surrounding tissues. According to my research it's the most common type of breast cancer, typically found in women in their 50's. (should I be offended by that?)
Bad jokes aside, let me take some time to perhaps answer some questions that may have come to your mind...
1. How did this all come about? I felt a lump a week ago Saturday. Went to my doctor, who then sent me for a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound (last weds.); then a biopsy the next day. Confirmation came last Friday.
2. How big is it? How far has it spread? As far as how much it's spread, what stage it is, and all the other pertinent information, we don't know yet. The full pathology report should be done by tomorrow.
3. Am I in any pain? None, praise God. I have no pain at all.
4. How are we doing? Well, that depends. This morning I woke with anxiety, so that's always fun, but other times we're just find and dandy. It's a very surreal experience, on one hand feeling fine and healthy and on the other knowing that you're not. I mean I understand that I have this thing called cancer, I just don't want to dwell on it. Even though I have it, I don't need to let it have me So, we fluctuate back and forth between laughing and not, while we digest this tectonic shift in our life.
5. What have I been doing the past week? Well, much of my free time the past week has been spent researching, cross referencing, investigating, and praying... lots of praying. Praying for peace, praying for Joe, praying against fear; I think the fear is what scares me the most. (excuse the witticism) But seriously, when that fear begins and the thoughts begin to accumulate and build the mountain of doubt in the mind it's difficult to climb your way out. It becomes a very real battle to cling to the truth.
We've been praying for discernment and wisdom during this time. God has really been teaching me more and more about what fear is really all about during this process. Over the past week I've been forced to look at and deal with fear more objectively than ever before and it's been difficult but awesome at the same time, more on that in my next post.
6. What about treatment? I have already begun natural treatment this past weekend called the Budwig Protocol. For more information on this treatment, here's a link... http://www.budwig-diet.co.uk/dr-johanna-budwig/ thus far the results have been very encouraging. Actually, I feel better than I've felt in over a year! It's been such a blessing! I didn't realize how bad I actually felt, because toxicity and such creeps in over time and you just adjust to this new normal, that as it now appears to me, wasn't really my normal. This doesn't mean that I am not considering more traditional treatments, but I won't know what those are until I have more tests.
7. Is there anything I can do? Yes, pray. That is the best thing that you can do right now.
8. What can I pray for? God will lead you, but if you haven't prayed to God before, I understand that might be a little too open ended. So, pray for peace, pray for wisdom, guidance, and pray that when the scans are taken there won't be any cancer to left to find!
Of course there's also been periods of helpful questions like: Why? Why Cancer? Why would you do this God? Don't you care? Why would you do this to Joe? Why would you make him walk through this again? And my personal favorite, why me? Which God kindly reminds me that I'm clay, He's the potter, and He has a plan.
If you find yourself asking some of these kinds of questions in your own life, cling to that promise. God has a plan, a plan which to us may make no sense at the present time. During my walk with God, I've been able to look back and see this truth. Doesn't mean that His plan is without hardship, tears, failure, struggle...but without the fire, there's no refinement. Without the sieve, there's no sifting. So we can be thankful for the struggle.
Love to you all,
Les
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." 2 Corinthians 1: 3-4.
It's been four days now since we got the call confirming what I already felt God telling me in my heart was true. To be specific I have infiltrated or invasive ductal carcinoma. In English that means it started in my milk duct and has spread to surrounding tissues. According to my research it's the most common type of breast cancer, typically found in women in their 50's. (should I be offended by that?)
Bad jokes aside, let me take some time to perhaps answer some questions that may have come to your mind...
1. How did this all come about? I felt a lump a week ago Saturday. Went to my doctor, who then sent me for a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound (last weds.); then a biopsy the next day. Confirmation came last Friday.
2. How big is it? How far has it spread? As far as how much it's spread, what stage it is, and all the other pertinent information, we don't know yet. The full pathology report should be done by tomorrow.
3. Am I in any pain? None, praise God. I have no pain at all.
4. How are we doing? Well, that depends. This morning I woke with anxiety, so that's always fun, but other times we're just find and dandy. It's a very surreal experience, on one hand feeling fine and healthy and on the other knowing that you're not. I mean I understand that I have this thing called cancer, I just don't want to dwell on it. Even though I have it, I don't need to let it have me So, we fluctuate back and forth between laughing and not, while we digest this tectonic shift in our life.
5. What have I been doing the past week? Well, much of my free time the past week has been spent researching, cross referencing, investigating, and praying... lots of praying. Praying for peace, praying for Joe, praying against fear; I think the fear is what scares me the most. (excuse the witticism) But seriously, when that fear begins and the thoughts begin to accumulate and build the mountain of doubt in the mind it's difficult to climb your way out. It becomes a very real battle to cling to the truth.
We've been praying for discernment and wisdom during this time. God has really been teaching me more and more about what fear is really all about during this process. Over the past week I've been forced to look at and deal with fear more objectively than ever before and it's been difficult but awesome at the same time, more on that in my next post.
6. What about treatment? I have already begun natural treatment this past weekend called the Budwig Protocol. For more information on this treatment, here's a link... http://www.budwig-diet.co.uk/dr-johanna-budwig/ thus far the results have been very encouraging. Actually, I feel better than I've felt in over a year! It's been such a blessing! I didn't realize how bad I actually felt, because toxicity and such creeps in over time and you just adjust to this new normal, that as it now appears to me, wasn't really my normal. This doesn't mean that I am not considering more traditional treatments, but I won't know what those are until I have more tests.
7. Is there anything I can do? Yes, pray. That is the best thing that you can do right now.
8. What can I pray for? God will lead you, but if you haven't prayed to God before, I understand that might be a little too open ended. So, pray for peace, pray for wisdom, guidance, and pray that when the scans are taken there won't be any cancer to left to find!
Of course there's also been periods of helpful questions like: Why? Why Cancer? Why would you do this God? Don't you care? Why would you do this to Joe? Why would you make him walk through this again? And my personal favorite, why me? Which God kindly reminds me that I'm clay, He's the potter, and He has a plan.
If you find yourself asking some of these kinds of questions in your own life, cling to that promise. God has a plan, a plan which to us may make no sense at the present time. During my walk with God, I've been able to look back and see this truth. Doesn't mean that His plan is without hardship, tears, failure, struggle...but without the fire, there's no refinement. Without the sieve, there's no sifting. So we can be thankful for the struggle.
Love to you all,
Les
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God." 2 Corinthians 1: 3-4.
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