So, it just dawned on me this evening that it's been a year. A year yesterday since I was diagnosed and our life shifted.
Within a year's time I've gone through chemo, had a few surgeries, radiation, and started a new job. I've met and grown close to so many wonderful people, cried with them, prayed with them; fought alongside them. There are also those that I used to see who are now gone.
At the end of this week I will travel to CTCA for another round of Herceptin and tests. These tests will help determine whether I have any damage to my heart from treatment (I doubt it), capture my bone density for baseline measurements for osteoporosis (due to Arimidex), and check to see if I have any cancer growing (I'm going with no).
Life right now is a weird juxtaposition of layers. Now that I'm done with the more aggressive treatments and surgeries, I've begun a new job. And while I'm thankful for the ability to work, it's strange to be at work eating lunch with a colleague, while answering texts from a friend concerned about her test results. My hair has grown back to the point where people have stopped coming up to me to chat about cancer, and instead compliment me on my haircut. My health has improved to the point that I can be up on my feet hefting boxes of food for hours a day, however, it takes me two days to recover. And then there's still treatment. On one hand, I'm cancer-free, on the
other hand, I still have more treatments, supplements, tests, and a
hormone blocking pill for 10 years. Balancing life obligations, cancer prevention requirements, stress, and work is a dance that can be overwhelming at times and one I'm still working on.
One of my doctors who's also a cancer survivor told me it takes awhile to process everything that's happened. When she told me this a few months back I was about finished with my radiation treatments and was totally looking forward to be doing "normal" life again. I didn't really get what she was talking about then, but I think now I'm beginning to understand.
Before writing this evening I read through my first post from a year ago. I must say, the tone surprised me. It was so positive, bubbly even. It's weird, because you would think now a year later cancer-free I would be the same, if not more positive or cheerful. Today my heart is heavy, yet on the other hand, I still can't believe that I'm a person who even had cancer. Maybe it's because I'm processing, maybe it's because I'm still dealing with side effects of treatment. I don't know, but in the end I trust God. I trust His plan and I pray that I am walking in it, not against it.
"Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
24You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73: 23-26
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Declaring Works
"I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord" Psalm 118:17
This is the verse that the Lord gave me about a month ago. I had been fighting a battle over a span of weeks. A battle of worry and anxiety about the possibilities of a recurrence and death on one hand and guilty feelings about being cancer free on the other. It was your classic no-win scenario.
And so, with a few minutes of time I had I fled down the hospital hallway to the chapel. Thankfully I was the only one there at the time. I dropped my things, fell into a chair, and started chatting with God, telling Him about this worry that had popped up again.
Glancing up at the front of the chapel I noticed some pamphlets on the wall. Looking at the time I quickly grabbed one on healing verses and glanced over it, flipping through the pages, scanning. Suddenly, one verse popped out half-way down as if it had risen off the page.
"I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord."
Having never read this particular Psalm, I finally did so yesterday. For those of you who haven't I've included it below:
Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good;
His faithful love endures forever.
2 Let Israel say,
“His faithful love endures forever.”
3 Let the house of Aaron say,
“His faithful love endures forever.”
4 Let those who fear the Lord say,
“His faithful love endures forever.”
For those of you who may not know the back story of the Psalms they were written by David, A God Appointed King of Israel, the same David who killed Goliath. Now you would think that an appointment by God would mean smooth sailing, I mean if God wants you to be king...
But before David took his place as King, he was hunted down by his predecessor King Saul, who was also God appointed. It's a long complicated story, but before Saul wanted David dead, he gave him one of his daughters in marriage, employed him as a soldier and a musician. I don't know if they were best friends, but they weren't enemies, at least not at first. But as David's popularity grew Saul was falling out of favor with God and his people thus, trouble began to brew. Eventually, David had to flee and spent many years running from Saul and his band of warriors.
I think knowing some of the background is so important to understanding David's writing. He's not some person writing down cute expressions or cool philosophical or theological musings to sell a book. He's been there, he's experienced it. He knows what it feels like to be hunted down by people you once trusted. He understands the battle between choosing what's popular opinion and what right in God's eyes. He's seen his enemies defeated, escaped death, and he's declaring God's works.
The following are just a few of the works of the Lord I'm declaring since beginning my treatment:
This is the verse that the Lord gave me about a month ago. I had been fighting a battle over a span of weeks. A battle of worry and anxiety about the possibilities of a recurrence and death on one hand and guilty feelings about being cancer free on the other. It was your classic no-win scenario.
And so, with a few minutes of time I had I fled down the hospital hallway to the chapel. Thankfully I was the only one there at the time. I dropped my things, fell into a chair, and started chatting with God, telling Him about this worry that had popped up again.
Glancing up at the front of the chapel I noticed some pamphlets on the wall. Looking at the time I quickly grabbed one on healing verses and glanced over it, flipping through the pages, scanning. Suddenly, one verse popped out half-way down as if it had risen off the page.
"I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord."
Having never read this particular Psalm, I finally did so yesterday. For those of you who haven't I've included it below:
Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good;
His faithful love endures forever.
2 Let Israel say,
“His faithful love endures forever.”
3 Let the house of Aaron say,
“His faithful love endures forever.”
4 Let those who fear the Lord say,
“His faithful love endures forever.”
5 I called to the Lord in distress;
the Lord answered me
and put me in a spacious place.[a]
6 The Lord is for me; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?
7 The Lord is my helper,
Therefore, I will look in triumph on those who hate me.
the Lord answered me
and put me in a spacious place.[a]
6 The Lord is for me; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?
7 The Lord is my helper,
Therefore, I will look in triumph on those who hate me.
8 It is better to take refuge in the Lord
than to trust in man.
9 It is better to take refuge in the Lord
than to trust in nobles.
than to trust in man.
9 It is better to take refuge in the Lord
than to trust in nobles.
10 All the nations surrounded me;
in the name of Yahweh I destroyed them.
11 They surrounded me, yes, they surrounded me;
in the name of Yahweh I destroyed them.
12 They surrounded me like bees;
they were extinguished like a fire among thorns;
in the name of Yahweh I destroyed them.
13 You[b] pushed me[c] hard to make me fall,
but the Lord helped me.
14 The Lord is my strength and my song;
He has become my salvation.
in the name of Yahweh I destroyed them.
11 They surrounded me, yes, they surrounded me;
in the name of Yahweh I destroyed them.
12 They surrounded me like bees;
they were extinguished like a fire among thorns;
in the name of Yahweh I destroyed them.
13 You[b] pushed me[c] hard to make me fall,
but the Lord helped me.
14 The Lord is my strength and my song;
He has become my salvation.
15 There are shouts of joy and victory
in the tents of the righteous:
“The Lord’s right hand performs valiantly!
16 The Lord’s right hand is raised.
The Lord’s right hand performs valiantly!”
17 I will not die, but I will live
and proclaim what the Lord has done.
18 The Lord disciplined me severely
but did not give me over to death.
in the tents of the righteous:
“The Lord’s right hand performs valiantly!
16 The Lord’s right hand is raised.
The Lord’s right hand performs valiantly!”
17 I will not die, but I will live
and proclaim what the Lord has done.
18 The Lord disciplined me severely
but did not give me over to death.
19 Open the gates of righteousness for me;
I will enter through them
and give thanks to the Lord.
20 This is the gate of the Lord;
the righteous will enter through it.
21 I will give thanks to You
because You have answered me
and have become my salvation.
22 The stone that the builders rejected
has become the cornerstone.
23 This came from the Lord;
it is wonderful in our eyes.
24 This is the day the Lord has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.
I will enter through them
and give thanks to the Lord.
20 This is the gate of the Lord;
the righteous will enter through it.
21 I will give thanks to You
because You have answered me
and have become my salvation.
22 The stone that the builders rejected
has become the cornerstone.
23 This came from the Lord;
it is wonderful in our eyes.
24 This is the day the Lord has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.
25 Lord, save us!
Lord, please grant us success!
26 He who comes in the name
of the Lord is blessed.
From the house of the Lord we bless you.
27 The Lord is God and has given us light.
Bind the festival sacrifice with cords
to the horns of the altar.
28 You are my God, and I will give You thanks.
You are my God; I will exalt You.
29 Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good;
His faithful love endures forever.
Lord, please grant us success!
26 He who comes in the name
of the Lord is blessed.
From the house of the Lord we bless you.
27 The Lord is God and has given us light.
Bind the festival sacrifice with cords
to the horns of the altar.
28 You are my God, and I will give You thanks.
You are my God; I will exalt You.
29 Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good;
His faithful love endures forever.
For those of you who may not know the back story of the Psalms they were written by David, A God Appointed King of Israel, the same David who killed Goliath. Now you would think that an appointment by God would mean smooth sailing, I mean if God wants you to be king...
But before David took his place as King, he was hunted down by his predecessor King Saul, who was also God appointed. It's a long complicated story, but before Saul wanted David dead, he gave him one of his daughters in marriage, employed him as a soldier and a musician. I don't know if they were best friends, but they weren't enemies, at least not at first. But as David's popularity grew Saul was falling out of favor with God and his people thus, trouble began to brew. Eventually, David had to flee and spent many years running from Saul and his band of warriors.
I think knowing some of the background is so important to understanding David's writing. He's not some person writing down cute expressions or cool philosophical or theological musings to sell a book. He's been there, he's experienced it. He knows what it feels like to be hunted down by people you once trusted. He understands the battle between choosing what's popular opinion and what right in God's eyes. He's seen his enemies defeated, escaped death, and he's declaring God's works.
The following are just a few of the works of the Lord I'm declaring since beginning my treatment:
- The Lord has provided for us financially. Even though for the past 8 months I haven't been working, even though our living expenses have increased, we have always had enough to meet our monthly financial responsibilities.
- The Lord has orchestrated my treatment. My surgeries, my appointments, my recovery, there's nothing about my treatment that hasn't been guided by His hand. Quick aside, my Oophorectomy came about because of an appointment with a doctor I wasn't supposed to be scheduled for met with me and made one phone call. Five minutes later, the surgery I was told I wasn't going to be able to have at CTCA was scheduled. If left up to me, I would've cancelled that doctor appointment...
- Like David, the Lord has delivered me every time from my enemies. Every time I felt worried, anxious, fear, or doubt and prayed, it's left. There's power in the name of Jesus.
Saturday, December 12, 2015
Next Steps - Surgery
First and foremost, I'm done with radiation!! My care team was surprised at how well my body tolerated treatment, Praise GOD! I attribute that to all the prayers, exercise, acupuncture, and reiki treatments that I received during the past 5 weeks. I didn't experience much in the way of side effects, the worse being peeling skin that is healing well thus far.
So, what's next?
Well, before radiation treatment began I started on Tamoxifen. Zeneca, the makers of Tamoxifen claim that this drug significantly reduces the chances of developing breast cancer in the other breast. I've been doing lots of research on the drug and for me, I'm not sure the benefits outweigh the risks.
Some of the more disturbing side effects and information I gathered about Tamoxifen while researching is as follows:
I never felt at peace while on the medication and after lots of prayer, discussion with doctors, Joe, and family I've decided to stop taking the drug.
Instead, I've opted for an oophorectomy.
Did you just make that word up?
I think it sounds like a Dr. Suess word, right? Who comes up with these names anyway? Technically, I'll be having a robotic salpingal oophorectomy. Which means, I'll be loosing my ovaries and fallopian tubes by aid of a doctor assisted robotic arm. The surgery is laparoscopic, so healing time is short, about 2 weeks. This reduces my risk of recurrence by 50% and the only side effects are menopause; which I've been experiencing since chemo anyway.
To me it seemed like the best option and I feel complete peace with this decision.
The surgery is scheduled for this coming Monday, December 14th. Joe will be flying in Sunday night to hang with me and drive my car back to Ohio. By Wednesday we should be home!
Thank you again for all your prayers and support! Looking forward to worshiping God with my church family; so much to be thankful for. I continue to be amazed at how much He cares.
So, what's next?
Well, before radiation treatment began I started on Tamoxifen. Zeneca, the makers of Tamoxifen claim that this drug significantly reduces the chances of developing breast cancer in the other breast. I've been doing lots of research on the drug and for me, I'm not sure the benefits outweigh the risks.
Some of the more disturbing side effects and information I gathered about Tamoxifen while researching is as follows:
- Listed as a Level One Carcinogen - which means that it has been proven to cause cancer in humans (ironic right?)
- Uterine
- Liver
- Gastrointestinal
- May cause heart disease, and Osteoporosis
- Changes DNA
- Blood Clots - age increases risk
- Cataracts, retina and corneal changes
- Potential for drug resistance with long term continued use, thus the drug actually helps breast cancer to form
- Vocal Chord changes resulting in impairment of singing or speaking abilities
I never felt at peace while on the medication and after lots of prayer, discussion with doctors, Joe, and family I've decided to stop taking the drug.
Instead, I've opted for an oophorectomy.
Did you just make that word up?
I think it sounds like a Dr. Suess word, right? Who comes up with these names anyway? Technically, I'll be having a robotic salpingal oophorectomy. Which means, I'll be loosing my ovaries and fallopian tubes by aid of a doctor assisted robotic arm. The surgery is laparoscopic, so healing time is short, about 2 weeks. This reduces my risk of recurrence by 50% and the only side effects are menopause; which I've been experiencing since chemo anyway.
To me it seemed like the best option and I feel complete peace with this decision.
The surgery is scheduled for this coming Monday, December 14th. Joe will be flying in Sunday night to hang with me and drive my car back to Ohio. By Wednesday we should be home!
Thank you again for all your prayers and support! Looking forward to worshiping God with my church family; so much to be thankful for. I continue to be amazed at how much He cares.
Sunday, November 29, 2015
With Thanksgiving
I have so many things to be thankful for this season - my family, my health, my treatments. Of course, I'm thankful to be cancer free, but the most important "thing" I am thankful for is my faith.
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God" Ephesians 2:8
Our faith, a gift from God.
A gift from the Creator of the Universe. Isn't that trippy? That God desires to give us, humans, a gift. And not just any gift. Not something that will run out, expire, or lose it's value, but something that will forever alter the landscape of our lives. A gift that will continue to inspire, cultivate, create, and give more than we can comprehend. And the kicker is, this gift is available to anyone, will fit anyone, and when worn has the power to defeat the darkest caverns of our darkest addictions, banish unrelenting self-torment, and rescue us from ourselves. How awesome is that?
Our faith, a gift from God, and it's free. Free because of His desire to have relationship with us. Free because He loved us enough to give us a way back to Him. Free because of Jesus.
I hope this holiday season that while we are thankful for our families and the things we receive - may we set aside time to truly contemplate The Gift, given out of love and mercy, from a God that desires more than anything to have a conversation with the humans He created.
And if you're reading this and aren't quite sure about all this "faith" stuff. If it scares you, or if you don't believe in it; just let Him know. Give Him a little time. Unwrap the present before you chuck it. Set aside any preconceived notions and hang out for a minute.
Just you, God, and a simple conversation...
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
She's all Aglow - Treatment Update
So, last week I began radiation treatments. I'll have 25 daily treatments over the next 5 weeks, well 4 weeks now. Given my 100% remission news from earlier, you'd think that I would've danced my way into the treatment room. You would think that my mind would be unburdened, that I'd be proclaiming from the rooftops my awesome news. But I didn't...
The truth is, my footsteps were heavy as I made my way into the waiting room, signed in, and changed into my very flattering gown and scrub pants. Battling doubt, worry, nerves, and tears I sat down to wait my turn. Looking over at the woman next to me I took in her peaceful countenance and began praying, it didn't work. So I switched to worship, quietly singing to myself. Before I knew it, I'm having myself a worship break right there in the waiting room, hand to the sky and everything. (which is not my usual waiting room etiquette in case your wondering.) The doubt and worry began to dissolve. I glance over at the woman again and begin a conversation with her. She tells me about her cancer journey of the past 16 years. I'm amazed at her strength, her quiet strength. I tell her about my nerves and she states simply, "I just envision the radiation as rays of God's light entering my body and healing what needs healing." (Mic drop) And just like that my perspective is set right. I thank her profusely and tell her God put her in my path this morning.
So, how are my treatments going?
Praise to God, my treatments have been going very smoothly. I haven't felt fatigue. I don't have any burned skin and I haven't experienced much in the way of nausea either. I do however, have more x's marked on my body that a treasure map. I also have three tattoos, permanent dots that they use to ensure proper alignment.
What it's like?
I've gotten this question a few times, so I'll try and break it down for you.
First they take a preliminary scan of your treatment area and then with the aid of computers, physicists and your doctor come up with your treatment map. The radiation machine then uses this mapping, I'm assuming, like coordinates/measurements. After the scan is complete, and before you move, they take photos from all angles as reference for positioning and make multiple x marks on your body with markers. These marks stay on your body for the duration of your treatment.
Once they have come with your mapping, the machine takes these coordinates and dials in to match that specific shape by moving x-ray blocking pieces in the machine. You must be in the exact position of your initial scan every time you have treatment, thus the markings. The actual time that I'm being exposed to radiation is very small, like less than 2 minutes, the set-up to get me into the correct position can take awhile at times. Once I'm in position, I do nothing but lay there and pray that God is using these rays to protect me from recurrence, kill off anything that is left, and protect my skin and healthy cells.
The room is cold, the table is hard if you've ever had an x-ray. My arms are over my head, my feet are banded together, and my legs are lying in a stabilizer to keep them from moving. Not a good time for your body to decide you need to sneeze by the way (which happened today)
Are there side effects?
Side effects vary for each individual and what part of the body is getting treated. For me, typical side effects are fatigue and burning of the skin. The burning can range from looking like a sunburn to peeling, blistering, or worse. Just like laying in the sun, it can take awhile for a burn to develop. To offset this, I apply special lotion twice a day, shower with special soap, stay hydrated, and take supplements to help repair damage. So far, side effects have been next to nil other than I seem to get crazy hungry right after which can turn to nausea if I don't eat right away. They say that radiation is cumulative and that the most common side effects, those being burned skin and fatigue usually don't present themselves until week 3. I'm choosing not to focus on that. I've been trying to control what I can, take my supplements, get my acupuncture treatments, exercise, pray, and keep myself busy.
Thank you so much for all your prayers, your cards, your thoughts, and your support! Looking forward to spending some time at home this weekend with family, friends, and church...
The truth is, my footsteps were heavy as I made my way into the waiting room, signed in, and changed into my very flattering gown and scrub pants. Battling doubt, worry, nerves, and tears I sat down to wait my turn. Looking over at the woman next to me I took in her peaceful countenance and began praying, it didn't work. So I switched to worship, quietly singing to myself. Before I knew it, I'm having myself a worship break right there in the waiting room, hand to the sky and everything. (which is not my usual waiting room etiquette in case your wondering.) The doubt and worry began to dissolve. I glance over at the woman again and begin a conversation with her. She tells me about her cancer journey of the past 16 years. I'm amazed at her strength, her quiet strength. I tell her about my nerves and she states simply, "I just envision the radiation as rays of God's light entering my body and healing what needs healing." (Mic drop) And just like that my perspective is set right. I thank her profusely and tell her God put her in my path this morning.
So, how are my treatments going?
Praise to God, my treatments have been going very smoothly. I haven't felt fatigue. I don't have any burned skin and I haven't experienced much in the way of nausea either. I do however, have more x's marked on my body that a treasure map. I also have three tattoos, permanent dots that they use to ensure proper alignment.
What it's like?
I've gotten this question a few times, so I'll try and break it down for you.
First they take a preliminary scan of your treatment area and then with the aid of computers, physicists and your doctor come up with your treatment map. The radiation machine then uses this mapping, I'm assuming, like coordinates/measurements. After the scan is complete, and before you move, they take photos from all angles as reference for positioning and make multiple x marks on your body with markers. These marks stay on your body for the duration of your treatment.
Once they have come with your mapping, the machine takes these coordinates and dials in to match that specific shape by moving x-ray blocking pieces in the machine. You must be in the exact position of your initial scan every time you have treatment, thus the markings. The actual time that I'm being exposed to radiation is very small, like less than 2 minutes, the set-up to get me into the correct position can take awhile at times. Once I'm in position, I do nothing but lay there and pray that God is using these rays to protect me from recurrence, kill off anything that is left, and protect my skin and healthy cells.
The room is cold, the table is hard if you've ever had an x-ray. My arms are over my head, my feet are banded together, and my legs are lying in a stabilizer to keep them from moving. Not a good time for your body to decide you need to sneeze by the way (which happened today)
Are there side effects?
Side effects vary for each individual and what part of the body is getting treated. For me, typical side effects are fatigue and burning of the skin. The burning can range from looking like a sunburn to peeling, blistering, or worse. Just like laying in the sun, it can take awhile for a burn to develop. To offset this, I apply special lotion twice a day, shower with special soap, stay hydrated, and take supplements to help repair damage. So far, side effects have been next to nil other than I seem to get crazy hungry right after which can turn to nausea if I don't eat right away. They say that radiation is cumulative and that the most common side effects, those being burned skin and fatigue usually don't present themselves until week 3. I'm choosing not to focus on that. I've been trying to control what I can, take my supplements, get my acupuncture treatments, exercise, pray, and keep myself busy.
Thank you so much for all your prayers, your cards, your thoughts, and your support! Looking forward to spending some time at home this weekend with family, friends, and church...
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Under the Knife - Treatment Update
She's baaaack, well getting there anyway...
For those of you who are wondering, final pathology is awesome and as we prayed; no lymph node involvement and only scar tissue left at the tumor site. Praise God! My reaction to the phone call was weird, even to me. I wasn't screaming in adulation, or jumping up and down, or celebrating like one would think. I didn't even cry. All I said was Praise God! It was as if the phone call was merely reporting to me what I already knew was true. I don't want it to appear like I take this news for granted. I don't, I'm extremely thankful for this news. It was an awesome confirmation to that which I already believed was true.
Next treatments will be 5 weeks of radiation, continuing with Herceptin every 3 weeks, but no chemo; and beginning hormone blocking pills most likely Tamoxifen. Herceptin will continue until May and Tamoxifen for 5 years.
So how have I been?
Well, it's been 3 weeks since surgery, about 2 months since my last chemo and things are moving along. Incisions are becoming scars, sutures are disappearing and my head is covered in blonde and black patches of peach fuzz. My head looks like a milk cow...
It's amazing to me, our body's capacity to pick up and move on, never tiring in its desire to make us whole. Even when we don't see it, it's working on knitting us back together- healing over those places that are ripped open, restoring things that were damaged or taken away. Much like God, no? He's just waiting to heal, restore, refine and redeem those things in us that are keeping us hostage, holding us back from what He has for us. He never stops loving us and trying to make us whole.
What's confusing, hurtful, saddening, ____ (insert your own emotion), is that sometimes what He allows during this process doesn't always feel loving. In fact it can feel down right cruel and punishing. For me, I struggle with the why? As I've stated previously I'm thankful for my healing, but why me and not others?
It's the age old question, why does God heal some people instantly, some over time, and some not at all? During my course of treatment I've come in contact with all three. I've come in contact with individuals who prayed or received prayer and when it came time for treatment the tumors were gone. Then there's me and others like me who have been healed over time, and unfortunately there are those that do those things and yet, do not get healed.
It's been difficult to get to know people who are undergoing treatment with no end in sight. My last day of chemo was just another day of treatment to them. Their bodies have adjusted to this new normal, but they don't have a chemo countdown. It just doesn't feel fair.
God is God. He can heal anyone at anytime. So why not them? I don't know. I know there are some people who believe it's a faith issue, or lack thereof. There are those who are quick to make statements about God's will. Others point to this fallen world. I don't have an answer to this question that I feel gives complete resolution to this long debated topic so I'm not going to muddy the waters further by adding my own 2 cents.
The only thing that is for certain is that this life is temporary, God is eternal. We are limited in our ability to see the entire picture or know the whole story. I'm still praying about this, researching, and reading. I'm confident that if I need to know, I will.
For those of you who are wondering, final pathology is awesome and as we prayed; no lymph node involvement and only scar tissue left at the tumor site. Praise God! My reaction to the phone call was weird, even to me. I wasn't screaming in adulation, or jumping up and down, or celebrating like one would think. I didn't even cry. All I said was Praise God! It was as if the phone call was merely reporting to me what I already knew was true. I don't want it to appear like I take this news for granted. I don't, I'm extremely thankful for this news. It was an awesome confirmation to that which I already believed was true.
Next treatments will be 5 weeks of radiation, continuing with Herceptin every 3 weeks, but no chemo; and beginning hormone blocking pills most likely Tamoxifen. Herceptin will continue until May and Tamoxifen for 5 years.
So how have I been?
Well, it's been 3 weeks since surgery, about 2 months since my last chemo and things are moving along. Incisions are becoming scars, sutures are disappearing and my head is covered in blonde and black patches of peach fuzz. My head looks like a milk cow...
It's amazing to me, our body's capacity to pick up and move on, never tiring in its desire to make us whole. Even when we don't see it, it's working on knitting us back together- healing over those places that are ripped open, restoring things that were damaged or taken away. Much like God, no? He's just waiting to heal, restore, refine and redeem those things in us that are keeping us hostage, holding us back from what He has for us. He never stops loving us and trying to make us whole.
What's confusing, hurtful, saddening, ____ (insert your own emotion), is that sometimes what He allows during this process doesn't always feel loving. In fact it can feel down right cruel and punishing. For me, I struggle with the why? As I've stated previously I'm thankful for my healing, but why me and not others?
It's the age old question, why does God heal some people instantly, some over time, and some not at all? During my course of treatment I've come in contact with all three. I've come in contact with individuals who prayed or received prayer and when it came time for treatment the tumors were gone. Then there's me and others like me who have been healed over time, and unfortunately there are those that do those things and yet, do not get healed.
It's been difficult to get to know people who are undergoing treatment with no end in sight. My last day of chemo was just another day of treatment to them. Their bodies have adjusted to this new normal, but they don't have a chemo countdown. It just doesn't feel fair.
God is God. He can heal anyone at anytime. So why not them? I don't know. I know there are some people who believe it's a faith issue, or lack thereof. There are those who are quick to make statements about God's will. Others point to this fallen world. I don't have an answer to this question that I feel gives complete resolution to this long debated topic so I'm not going to muddy the waters further by adding my own 2 cents.
The only thing that is for certain is that this life is temporary, God is eternal. We are limited in our ability to see the entire picture or know the whole story. I'm still praying about this, researching, and reading. I'm confident that if I need to know, I will.
Thursday, September 10, 2015
For Those That Worry...
"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you." ~ Isaiah 26:3
This verse popped up as my verse of the day a couple weeks ago and it stopped me in my tracks. It continues to run through my mind often as I go about my day, and has made me think about reactions and responses to life, this bout with cancer being one of those.
When I got diagnosed with cancer many well meaning individuals, some I knew, some were a friend of a friend came to me with advice. "You need to go to this doctor"; "I can't believe you're not going to do ___;" "This is the surgery you should have"; "Check out this support group," etc. Add in the accessibility of online publications and it's very easy to become overwhelmed and confused with all the advice.
Some advice I did, some I researched, some I joined, like the online Facebook support groups. As I read through account after account, article and after article, comment stream after comment stream of individuals with my same type of cancer I began to feel the fingers of panic grip at my heart and I began to hear a little voice in my head telling me to get off the page, off the computer, or out of the group.
I listened partly, signing off but not out of the groups. Some time later I checked back in and briefly skimmed through the comment streams again, only to read the same kind of postings as before. It was after this that I decided to listen more fully to the little voice in my head unsubscribed from the groups, and stopped the constant researching .
I'm sharing this because often in our lives when hard times come; so too the well meaning, but often times panic or fear driven advice and comments of those around us. I know it's difficult during these times not to give into the fear of the what ifs. What if I lose the house? What if I can't find a job? What am I going to do with my life? What should I do about my relationship/marriage? What if I die, etc? I've struggled through these life questions and more, both as a Christian and not.
As a non-believer when these kinds of life events occurred, these questions would plague me resurfacing often. They became the repeating tape inside my head during whatever life stress was currently happening, constantly keeping me in a state of panic and anxiety. My mind reeled with the continuous searching for the right answer, the best advice, so much so, that in the end I would be decision paralyzed; unable to make any choice and yet worried more because of this indecision. This pattern of anxiety and constant worry wreaked havoc on my health, constituting in more worry, panic, and anxiety - some say it's a family trait.
I've had these same life events and more happen as a Christian. Over the past 6 years, I've uprooted my life; been laid-off; changed jobs; switched careers; contemplated schooling; dealt with income loss, death, and cancer, just to name a few. I'm still me with a proclivity towards worry/panic/anxiety, but the tape that would've been playing constantly has been replaced with truth.
"For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." ~ Isaiah 41:13
"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you." ~ Isaiah 26:3
"Do you not know that you are a temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you?" ~ 1Corinthians 3:16
Understand it's not that I've changed. I could go down that same well-worn road of panic and anxiety fairly easily, but that the Truth of God is greater. The more I lay my burdens, worry, and problems at His feet and give them over to Him, and don't take them back, the more at peace I become. The extra bonus is when he allows me to see His plan at work in hindsight.
I know that what I'm talking about isn't an easy thing to do. However, it's imperative during these difficult and trying times in our lives that we use discernment and turn less to of those around us, and more to the Holy One inside of us. Cling to His promises, ask for guidance, and keep our minds focused on Him. When I do that there is peace, there is stillness, and there is freedom.
God has broken the tape and it's made all the difference for me...
Praise and Glory to God!
This verse popped up as my verse of the day a couple weeks ago and it stopped me in my tracks. It continues to run through my mind often as I go about my day, and has made me think about reactions and responses to life, this bout with cancer being one of those.
When I got diagnosed with cancer many well meaning individuals, some I knew, some were a friend of a friend came to me with advice. "You need to go to this doctor"; "I can't believe you're not going to do ___;" "This is the surgery you should have"; "Check out this support group," etc. Add in the accessibility of online publications and it's very easy to become overwhelmed and confused with all the advice.
Some advice I did, some I researched, some I joined, like the online Facebook support groups. As I read through account after account, article and after article, comment stream after comment stream of individuals with my same type of cancer I began to feel the fingers of panic grip at my heart and I began to hear a little voice in my head telling me to get off the page, off the computer, or out of the group.
I listened partly, signing off but not out of the groups. Some time later I checked back in and briefly skimmed through the comment streams again, only to read the same kind of postings as before. It was after this that I decided to listen more fully to the little voice in my head unsubscribed from the groups, and stopped the constant researching .
I'm sharing this because often in our lives when hard times come; so too the well meaning, but often times panic or fear driven advice and comments of those around us. I know it's difficult during these times not to give into the fear of the what ifs. What if I lose the house? What if I can't find a job? What am I going to do with my life? What should I do about my relationship/marriage? What if I die, etc? I've struggled through these life questions and more, both as a Christian and not.
As a non-believer when these kinds of life events occurred, these questions would plague me resurfacing often. They became the repeating tape inside my head during whatever life stress was currently happening, constantly keeping me in a state of panic and anxiety. My mind reeled with the continuous searching for the right answer, the best advice, so much so, that in the end I would be decision paralyzed; unable to make any choice and yet worried more because of this indecision. This pattern of anxiety and constant worry wreaked havoc on my health, constituting in more worry, panic, and anxiety - some say it's a family trait.
I've had these same life events and more happen as a Christian. Over the past 6 years, I've uprooted my life; been laid-off; changed jobs; switched careers; contemplated schooling; dealt with income loss, death, and cancer, just to name a few. I'm still me with a proclivity towards worry/panic/anxiety, but the tape that would've been playing constantly has been replaced with truth.
"For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." ~ Isaiah 41:13
"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you." ~ Isaiah 26:3
"Do you not know that you are a temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you?" ~ 1Corinthians 3:16
Understand it's not that I've changed. I could go down that same well-worn road of panic and anxiety fairly easily, but that the Truth of God is greater. The more I lay my burdens, worry, and problems at His feet and give them over to Him, and don't take them back, the more at peace I become. The extra bonus is when he allows me to see His plan at work in hindsight.
I know that what I'm talking about isn't an easy thing to do. However, it's imperative during these difficult and trying times in our lives that we use discernment and turn less to of those around us, and more to the Holy One inside of us. Cling to His promises, ask for guidance, and keep our minds focused on Him. When I do that there is peace, there is stillness, and there is freedom.
God has broken the tape and it's made all the difference for me...
Praise and Glory to God!
Monday, August 31, 2015
And Now There's None - Treatment Updates
Can't believe it's been so long since I posted. My bad... I've had many topics floating around in my head, but haven't pinned down what needs commenting and what is just something for me to ponder.
But, I can say with jubilation that on Friday, August 21st I had what should be my final chemo treatment! Not only was it my last chemo, but I got tests done to determine surgery options, my heart function, and whether or not the cancer was still contained to my breast.
Firstly, Praise and Thanks to God the tumor has shrunk! It's now at 6mm and we are hopeful that with this last round of chemo it will be completely annihilated. Also, my Echocardiogram showed very little impact on my heart function and my MRI report stated that there seems to be no lymph node involvement and it appears that the cancer hasn't spread. All awesome news!
So what else is up?
Well, for starters my surgery has been scheduled for Weds. Sept 23rd. After much prayer and discussion I will be having a lumpectomy. During my procedure they will also be taking a couple of my lymph nodes to test in order to be certain there wasn't any involvement. Risk of lymphedema is small, about 7%, so I'm praying that I won't get that after surgery.
Radiation will begin about a month later and will last for 5 weeks, 5 days a week or 25 treatments. I will be staying at CTCA for the duration of treatment. Hopefully, after the first week of December I will be completely done with radiation and coming home for the holidays.
We feel at peace with what's to come, most days, and pray against doubt when it occurs.
But, I can say with jubilation that on Friday, August 21st I had what should be my final chemo treatment! Not only was it my last chemo, but I got tests done to determine surgery options, my heart function, and whether or not the cancer was still contained to my breast.
Firstly, Praise and Thanks to God the tumor has shrunk! It's now at 6mm and we are hopeful that with this last round of chemo it will be completely annihilated. Also, my Echocardiogram showed very little impact on my heart function and my MRI report stated that there seems to be no lymph node involvement and it appears that the cancer hasn't spread. All awesome news!
So what else is up?
Well, for starters my surgery has been scheduled for Weds. Sept 23rd. After much prayer and discussion I will be having a lumpectomy. During my procedure they will also be taking a couple of my lymph nodes to test in order to be certain there wasn't any involvement. Risk of lymphedema is small, about 7%, so I'm praying that I won't get that after surgery.
Radiation will begin about a month later and will last for 5 weeks, 5 days a week or 25 treatments. I will be staying at CTCA for the duration of treatment. Hopefully, after the first week of December I will be completely done with radiation and coming home for the holidays.
We feel at peace with what's to come, most days, and pray against doubt when it occurs.
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Soon There's One - Treatment Update
I know that many of you have been wondering where we're at in the treatment plan so
I wanted to take a moment before I go for treatment this week and give a quick update on how things are going.
First of all, I can't say enough about the outpouring of love and support that everyone has given us. I know that we have been covered in prayer, and I know that God has been with me during my treatments and recovery. I feel very blessed that I've had minimal issues/reactions during my chemo treatments and my recovery has been eased greatly.
This week marks my 4th round of chemo. My visit to CTCA is still 3 days. During the course of my stay I see my oncologist, Dr. Neelam. I also see my Naturopath, Nutritionist, and Accupuncturist. I also schedule Reiki and massage as well. I believe Dr. Neelam is pleased with what is going on thus far in my treatment, but she is reserved in her demeanor.
Is treatment working?
What I know for sure is the tumor is shrinking and is barely palpable. In fact, during my last visit Dr. Neelam mentioned we may just be feeling scar tissue at this point. There is a little concern about a couple of bumps behind my ear that we are watching to see if they are possible tumors. It's difficult to say, because I do get bumps all over my head after chemo, and we're not sure if these were there previously, if they've grown since treatment, etc, but they haven't gone away as of yet.
What happens next?
Well, this round is same as before. I'll go in, get all my alternative treatments, sit 6-7 hours for my chemo/biological treatments, get my Neulasta shot, and then Mom and I will be on our respective ways home.
My 6th, and hopefully final, treatment will be a bigger deal. This is the visit where we will see if I need to continue with more aggressive chemo or if my tumor is dead. I'll have a whole round of scans before chemo to determine if it's spread anywhere, etc. If tumor is dead, then this will be my final round of chemo, huzzah! Pray that we hear good news, especially about these little bumps behind my ear!!
When does surgery happen?
If tumor is dead, then it will be on to surgery at some point, typically about 6 weeks after this final round of chemo. If it's not, well I'm not focusing on that... only sunshine, lollypops, and rainbows allowed in this camp.
Surgery options haven't really been discussed as of yet in any kind of detail. It depends on what we see in the scans. I've been praying for wisdom in deciding which way to go. Basically there's two options, mastectomy or lumpectomy. The good news is that I am BRCA negative (the high risk genetic markers for breast cancer) so my options are a little less cut and dry, no pun intended.
Depending on which surgery I need and lymph node involvement, radiation may be required as well. If I have a lumpectomy radiation is a definite, mastectomy not necessarily. There's research out there that looks at outcomes long term and outcomes/recurrence rates are very similar.
What other treatments will I need this year?
Firstly, my biological treatments will continue until May 2016. Which means that I will be getting Herceptin and possibly Perjeta every 3 weeks via my port. These biological therapies which are given in conjunction with my chemo treatments block HER2 receptors in the tumor and stops the cells from dividing and growing. They need to be administered for a full year for the best outcome.
Along with these two HER2 therapies, I will also need targeted hormone therapies as well. These therapies will block the estrogen/progesterone receptors as well as decrease the amount of hormones I have floating around in body. Tamoxifen is the therapy that is most commonly prescribed, especially because of my age, however Tamoxifen has some pretty heavy potential side effects. There are other alternatives, sadly no herbal treatments, but there are some that are less damaging to the body. I've been discussing options with my oncologist, including an Oophorectomy (removal of the ovaries) in order to decrease the amount of estrogen and progesterone my body makes, thus giving me other treatment options.
Whatever medication I am on, I will be taking it for at least 5 years, maybe more. I'm not happy about it, but there isn't another option.
How are we doing?
We're doing ok for the most part. The past 2 treatments have been much better side effect wise. I'm usually down for a full week after I get home, breathless and weak for most of that time, but other than that not bad. I have begun retaining fluid and have to spend some time with my legs elevated during the weeks in between treatments, but all in all I'll take that any day over the first 2 treatments. I was scared that it was a sign of heart damage (a possibility of my chemo treatments), but after speaking with CTCA they believe that it's just a side effect of my chemo. We'll know more after tomorrow.
I would say currently the challenging thing is maintaining a positive attitude and outlook at times and not allow worry,concern, doubt, fear, to control our thoughts. For Joe, the spirit of depression has also been a challenge, sometimes in the background and sometimes in the forefront depending on the day. It's painful to watch him go through that and not be able to "fix it." It's something he has struggled with off and on during his life. We're looking at options to help and continue to pray against it.
So that's it, basically. We pray and wait, hopeful for a happy outcome. Again, thank you for your comments, prayers, cards, gifts, hugs, and time. We feel so loved and blessed by you all.
"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer" ~ Romans 12:12
I wanted to take a moment before I go for treatment this week and give a quick update on how things are going.
First of all, I can't say enough about the outpouring of love and support that everyone has given us. I know that we have been covered in prayer, and I know that God has been with me during my treatments and recovery. I feel very blessed that I've had minimal issues/reactions during my chemo treatments and my recovery has been eased greatly.
This week marks my 4th round of chemo. My visit to CTCA is still 3 days. During the course of my stay I see my oncologist, Dr. Neelam. I also see my Naturopath, Nutritionist, and Accupuncturist. I also schedule Reiki and massage as well. I believe Dr. Neelam is pleased with what is going on thus far in my treatment, but she is reserved in her demeanor.
Is treatment working?
What I know for sure is the tumor is shrinking and is barely palpable. In fact, during my last visit Dr. Neelam mentioned we may just be feeling scar tissue at this point. There is a little concern about a couple of bumps behind my ear that we are watching to see if they are possible tumors. It's difficult to say, because I do get bumps all over my head after chemo, and we're not sure if these were there previously, if they've grown since treatment, etc, but they haven't gone away as of yet.
What happens next?
Well, this round is same as before. I'll go in, get all my alternative treatments, sit 6-7 hours for my chemo/biological treatments, get my Neulasta shot, and then Mom and I will be on our respective ways home.
My 6th, and hopefully final, treatment will be a bigger deal. This is the visit where we will see if I need to continue with more aggressive chemo or if my tumor is dead. I'll have a whole round of scans before chemo to determine if it's spread anywhere, etc. If tumor is dead, then this will be my final round of chemo, huzzah! Pray that we hear good news, especially about these little bumps behind my ear!!
When does surgery happen?
If tumor is dead, then it will be on to surgery at some point, typically about 6 weeks after this final round of chemo. If it's not, well I'm not focusing on that... only sunshine, lollypops, and rainbows allowed in this camp.
Surgery options haven't really been discussed as of yet in any kind of detail. It depends on what we see in the scans. I've been praying for wisdom in deciding which way to go. Basically there's two options, mastectomy or lumpectomy. The good news is that I am BRCA negative (the high risk genetic markers for breast cancer) so my options are a little less cut and dry, no pun intended.
Depending on which surgery I need and lymph node involvement, radiation may be required as well. If I have a lumpectomy radiation is a definite, mastectomy not necessarily. There's research out there that looks at outcomes long term and outcomes/recurrence rates are very similar.
What other treatments will I need this year?
Firstly, my biological treatments will continue until May 2016. Which means that I will be getting Herceptin and possibly Perjeta every 3 weeks via my port. These biological therapies which are given in conjunction with my chemo treatments block HER2 receptors in the tumor and stops the cells from dividing and growing. They need to be administered for a full year for the best outcome.
Along with these two HER2 therapies, I will also need targeted hormone therapies as well. These therapies will block the estrogen/progesterone receptors as well as decrease the amount of hormones I have floating around in body. Tamoxifen is the therapy that is most commonly prescribed, especially because of my age, however Tamoxifen has some pretty heavy potential side effects. There are other alternatives, sadly no herbal treatments, but there are some that are less damaging to the body. I've been discussing options with my oncologist, including an Oophorectomy (removal of the ovaries) in order to decrease the amount of estrogen and progesterone my body makes, thus giving me other treatment options.
Whatever medication I am on, I will be taking it for at least 5 years, maybe more. I'm not happy about it, but there isn't another option.
How are we doing?
We're doing ok for the most part. The past 2 treatments have been much better side effect wise. I'm usually down for a full week after I get home, breathless and weak for most of that time, but other than that not bad. I have begun retaining fluid and have to spend some time with my legs elevated during the weeks in between treatments, but all in all I'll take that any day over the first 2 treatments. I was scared that it was a sign of heart damage (a possibility of my chemo treatments), but after speaking with CTCA they believe that it's just a side effect of my chemo. We'll know more after tomorrow.
I would say currently the challenging thing is maintaining a positive attitude and outlook at times and not allow worry,concern, doubt, fear, to control our thoughts. For Joe, the spirit of depression has also been a challenge, sometimes in the background and sometimes in the forefront depending on the day. It's painful to watch him go through that and not be able to "fix it." It's something he has struggled with off and on during his life. We're looking at options to help and continue to pray against it.
So that's it, basically. We pray and wait, hopeful for a happy outcome. Again, thank you for your comments, prayers, cards, gifts, hugs, and time. We feel so loved and blessed by you all.
"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer" ~ Romans 12:12
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Truth Seeking
So tonight before I thought I was going to sleep, I grabbed my Kindle and opened up my Bible Gateway app. and for some reason I ask Joe if he would like me to read aloud. I began reading my verse of the day: Isaiah 41:10
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
I open up the verse and continue reading aloud, Chapter 41, 42, 43 - reading my husband to sleep. Verse after verse I continue reading out loud as my husband sleeps next to me. As I'm reading, I'm aware that my voice gets stronger and my soul is digging in - like I was walking on loose gravel and suddenly found pavement. It's a footing that I didn't even know I needed, I felt emotionally awesome even before I began reading.
I struggle to find the appropriate words to describe this feeling, without using Christian speak about it. Yes I felt my heart stirring, but it's more than that. I feel the power of the words begin to fill my heart with a certainty of truth; that what I am reading is rooted in an unalterable truth, absolute, grounded.
As a truth seeker I am finally home. Most people don't know this about me, but Christianity was the last in a long line of religious contemplation and philosophical exploration. By the time I was 20, I wasn't completely sure there was a "God." After spending a brief period of time being an Agnostic, I concluded that there was a God, or Supreme Being of some sort; so I went on a quest to find my truth. I went on a search to find a religion that I felt I could follow and agree with wholeheartedly. What began in my college years, continued on into my late 20's and early 30's. I looked into many different religions/systems of belief including in no certain order:
Hinduism Buddhism Sikhism
Taoism Shinto Jainism
Judaism Baha'i Islam
Sahaj Marg Gnosticism Unitarian Universalist
In every single one of these I would come across something that I couldn't get past. Either something just didn't quite make sense to me, or it's own belief system argued against itself. And so, I was just hanging out in this "no man's land" of spirituality, where I threw up my hands and decided that it doesn't really matter what you believe, it's all basically/fundamentally the same. The concept of absolute truth is non-existent as everyone who holds a belief believes that what they believe is the truth absolute to his/her perspective. And so, I just floated around and basically created my own relative truths about what to believe, right and wrong, etc. I debated with Christian believers that struck up conversations with me at parties who felt it their calling to question me about the "state of my soul."
Truth be told of all the religious people I spoke to regarding their faith, which were many, I enjoyed my conversations with Christians the most, because of their lack of knowledge of the history or background of the creation of their religion. I come from a Christian background/family, so I knew the basic premise. I could verbally debate with any Christian who dared to begin a conversation about the destination of my soul. I knew all the intellectual/post modernist responses to many of the typical Christian points, could stomp most of their arguments into the ground, point out all the theological issues, including the pagan rituals that have been woven in, compare Catholic Saints with other polytheistic belief systems, etc. I basically made it my mission to get them to see the truth about religion and I was ruthless. In my opinion, one could get no further from Absolute Truth than the Christian faith. Oh yeah, I was a blast at parties, let me tell you...
God is not without a sense of humor. I am not without a certain amount of stubbornness. My struggle to accept Jesus as Truth was heartbreaking, world altering, and character changing - thank God. Thank God that He is a God that honors seeking, doesn't take doubt or disbelief personally, cleans our slate, and yearns for a relationship with us.
I do not deserve to call him Father. Do not deserve to ask Him for anything. Yet, just like a loving parent, He knew my underlying heart, understood my desire for Truth, and with love, patiently waited until I was ready to begin a conversation. He forgave me before I even understood that I needed to ask.
I'm telling you that no one is more surprised than I am that I'm a Christian. I've begun to understand just because there is Absolute Truth that we can tangibly feel and know to be certain of, doesn't mean that we always have tangible answers to all life's quandaries. That's the most challenging thing for me.
If you yourself are a seeker and some of my past mimics your own experiences, I welcome a chat. I promise I won't try and "save your soul" or make up an answer to something I don't know. In truth, I'm a baby Christian, young in my faith, but God has equipped me with a fast processor. He's surrounded me with unbelievable brothers and sisters in Christ who are knowledgeable in deep relationship with Him, and gave me an amazing journey of faith that I don't deserve to have experienced. I know without a doubt that He is the Truth and the Light, the Alpha and Omega, The Way.
"Jesus said to him, 'I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me." ~ John 14:6
9“So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 10“For everyone who asks, receives; and he who seeks, finds; and to him who knocks, it will be opened. ~Luke 11:9-10
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
I open up the verse and continue reading aloud, Chapter 41, 42, 43 - reading my husband to sleep. Verse after verse I continue reading out loud as my husband sleeps next to me. As I'm reading, I'm aware that my voice gets stronger and my soul is digging in - like I was walking on loose gravel and suddenly found pavement. It's a footing that I didn't even know I needed, I felt emotionally awesome even before I began reading.
I struggle to find the appropriate words to describe this feeling, without using Christian speak about it. Yes I felt my heart stirring, but it's more than that. I feel the power of the words begin to fill my heart with a certainty of truth; that what I am reading is rooted in an unalterable truth, absolute, grounded.
As a truth seeker I am finally home. Most people don't know this about me, but Christianity was the last in a long line of religious contemplation and philosophical exploration. By the time I was 20, I wasn't completely sure there was a "God." After spending a brief period of time being an Agnostic, I concluded that there was a God, or Supreme Being of some sort; so I went on a quest to find my truth. I went on a search to find a religion that I felt I could follow and agree with wholeheartedly. What began in my college years, continued on into my late 20's and early 30's. I looked into many different religions/systems of belief including in no certain order:
Hinduism Buddhism Sikhism
Taoism Shinto Jainism
Judaism Baha'i Islam
Sahaj Marg Gnosticism Unitarian Universalist
In every single one of these I would come across something that I couldn't get past. Either something just didn't quite make sense to me, or it's own belief system argued against itself. And so, I was just hanging out in this "no man's land" of spirituality, where I threw up my hands and decided that it doesn't really matter what you believe, it's all basically/fundamentally the same. The concept of absolute truth is non-existent as everyone who holds a belief believes that what they believe is the truth absolute to his/her perspective. And so, I just floated around and basically created my own relative truths about what to believe, right and wrong, etc. I debated with Christian believers that struck up conversations with me at parties who felt it their calling to question me about the "state of my soul."
Truth be told of all the religious people I spoke to regarding their faith, which were many, I enjoyed my conversations with Christians the most, because of their lack of knowledge of the history or background of the creation of their religion. I come from a Christian background/family, so I knew the basic premise. I could verbally debate with any Christian who dared to begin a conversation about the destination of my soul. I knew all the intellectual/post modernist responses to many of the typical Christian points, could stomp most of their arguments into the ground, point out all the theological issues, including the pagan rituals that have been woven in, compare Catholic Saints with other polytheistic belief systems, etc. I basically made it my mission to get them to see the truth about religion and I was ruthless. In my opinion, one could get no further from Absolute Truth than the Christian faith. Oh yeah, I was a blast at parties, let me tell you...
God is not without a sense of humor. I am not without a certain amount of stubbornness. My struggle to accept Jesus as Truth was heartbreaking, world altering, and character changing - thank God. Thank God that He is a God that honors seeking, doesn't take doubt or disbelief personally, cleans our slate, and yearns for a relationship with us.
I do not deserve to call him Father. Do not deserve to ask Him for anything. Yet, just like a loving parent, He knew my underlying heart, understood my desire for Truth, and with love, patiently waited until I was ready to begin a conversation. He forgave me before I even understood that I needed to ask.
I'm telling you that no one is more surprised than I am that I'm a Christian. I've begun to understand just because there is Absolute Truth that we can tangibly feel and know to be certain of, doesn't mean that we always have tangible answers to all life's quandaries. That's the most challenging thing for me.
If you yourself are a seeker and some of my past mimics your own experiences, I welcome a chat. I promise I won't try and "save your soul" or make up an answer to something I don't know. In truth, I'm a baby Christian, young in my faith, but God has equipped me with a fast processor. He's surrounded me with unbelievable brothers and sisters in Christ who are knowledgeable in deep relationship with Him, and gave me an amazing journey of faith that I don't deserve to have experienced. I know without a doubt that He is the Truth and the Light, the Alpha and Omega, The Way.
"Jesus said to him, 'I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me." ~ John 14:6
9“So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 10“For everyone who asks, receives; and he who seeks, finds; and to him who knocks, it will be opened. ~Luke 11:9-10
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Living Authentically
It's the eve of my departure to CTCA and I'm supposed to be sleeping right now because I have to leave at 4 am for my flight. I'm more than a little bit nervous writing on this topic but I can't stop the nagging feeling that it needs to be done...
Living authentically, I know it's been quite a buzz word in many circles; be who you are, etc. I guess this post may come off as offensive to some, or maybe judgmental, but I think it's time that we as Christians live authentically as Christians. What does that mean? Well in my opinion, this means rather than trying to find the loop hole for whatever we know we shouldn't be doing, we repent and ask God to help us with it. Living authentically means that we bring whatever is dark in us, to the light and let God, in His perfect way, heal it and shape us into who He created us to be.
This doesn't mean that you have to start a blog or make it national news. But it does mean that you need to start talking to God about it, and maybe/eventually sharing it with someone you trust. Compartmentalizing your faith, or rationalizing away what needs addressed in your life not only hurts you and the ones that share life with you, but also tarnishes our faith for those who aren't believers. In other words, don't profess to be a follower of Christ and then expect not to have to change. It's not possible, we as humans are flawed. I, as human, am flawed.
I love this passage in 1 Timothy 6:11-12
"But flee from these things, you man of God, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, perseverance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of faith; take hold of the eternal life to which you were called, and you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses. "
We should at least strive for righteousness, etc., and then acknowledge when we fail and fall short. As Christians, the way we live life should look different. The way we handle crisis, hard times, finances, our work, disagreements, our relationships with others, it should all be different, we should be different, and that difference should be apparent in all aspects of our life.
God has changed me so much in the past 5 years and He continues to work on me. It's interesting to speak with people who didn't know me before I became a Christian. Sometimes they just think I've always been the person I am now. I think that's common for people on the outside looking at us, because they haven't been witness to the transformation as it was taking place; as God was working something out. They only see the final result. Which begs the questions, maybe we aren't as open about our failings and God's work, as we should be?
Personally, I think it's really important for us as Christians to be real about who we used to be, and who we are now as a follower of Christ. About a month ago I was having a conversation with a friend on this very topic. Without getting into a lengthy discussion about it, I mentioned a little about who I used to be. That when I was angry I would curse worse than anyone I've ever heard - the f bomb being my go to word. I was hard-hearted in many ways, selfish, and placed my self-worth entirely on status and my career, oh and I was prideful, just to name a few things. I didn't realize any of this though, until I gave my life to God, and started striving for what He wanted instead of what I thought I needed.
I did this not to boast about how awesome I am, but to help my friend understand that we all come before God flawed. However, if we are willing, He will refine those things in us that need to be changed. He loves us that much! We just need to ask, be real, accountable, and be talking to God. He will do the work.
For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 1:6
Living authentically, I know it's been quite a buzz word in many circles; be who you are, etc. I guess this post may come off as offensive to some, or maybe judgmental, but I think it's time that we as Christians live authentically as Christians. What does that mean? Well in my opinion, this means rather than trying to find the loop hole for whatever we know we shouldn't be doing, we repent and ask God to help us with it. Living authentically means that we bring whatever is dark in us, to the light and let God, in His perfect way, heal it and shape us into who He created us to be.
This doesn't mean that you have to start a blog or make it national news. But it does mean that you need to start talking to God about it, and maybe/eventually sharing it with someone you trust. Compartmentalizing your faith, or rationalizing away what needs addressed in your life not only hurts you and the ones that share life with you, but also tarnishes our faith for those who aren't believers. In other words, don't profess to be a follower of Christ and then expect not to have to change. It's not possible, we as humans are flawed. I, as human, am flawed.
I love this passage in 1 Timothy 6:11-12
"But flee from these things, you man of God, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, perseverance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of faith; take hold of the eternal life to which you were called, and you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses. "
We should at least strive for righteousness, etc., and then acknowledge when we fail and fall short. As Christians, the way we live life should look different. The way we handle crisis, hard times, finances, our work, disagreements, our relationships with others, it should all be different, we should be different, and that difference should be apparent in all aspects of our life.
God has changed me so much in the past 5 years and He continues to work on me. It's interesting to speak with people who didn't know me before I became a Christian. Sometimes they just think I've always been the person I am now. I think that's common for people on the outside looking at us, because they haven't been witness to the transformation as it was taking place; as God was working something out. They only see the final result. Which begs the questions, maybe we aren't as open about our failings and God's work, as we should be?
Personally, I think it's really important for us as Christians to be real about who we used to be, and who we are now as a follower of Christ. About a month ago I was having a conversation with a friend on this very topic. Without getting into a lengthy discussion about it, I mentioned a little about who I used to be. That when I was angry I would curse worse than anyone I've ever heard - the f bomb being my go to word. I was hard-hearted in many ways, selfish, and placed my self-worth entirely on status and my career, oh and I was prideful, just to name a few things. I didn't realize any of this though, until I gave my life to God, and started striving for what He wanted instead of what I thought I needed.
I did this not to boast about how awesome I am, but to help my friend understand that we all come before God flawed. However, if we are willing, He will refine those things in us that need to be changed. He loves us that much! We just need to ask, be real, accountable, and be talking to God. He will do the work.
For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 1:6
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Humility, it's what's for dinner...
God's really been putting humility on my mind a lot lately, constantly reminding me of it actually. So, I thought I'd write a little rambling on what I've been processing thus far...
Humility is defined as:
A modest or low view of one's own importance; humbleness.
Synonyms include: modest, meekness, unassertiveness, lack of pride, servility, etc.
Meekness, unassertiveness, lack of pride, servility... I don't like those words. They don't sit particularly well with me. I've always prided myself in being independent. Strong, capable, able to accomplish and do whatever I wish; a "strong" woman.
Being a person who struggles with type A tendencies that can turn quickly into being overbearing, controlling, and impatient taking more things on that I should comes naturally to me. I'm a "doer," so I naturally don't feel like anything is too much. I'm unaccustomed to lethargy, loathe taking naps, and according to Joe have the wrong definition of down time. To quote someone very dear to me, I naturally can fall into the "me do" mentality. My view has always been, hand me the plate and I'll find the stick to spin it with. If need be, I'll make the stick myself.
And I truly thought cancer would be just another plate for me to spin. While I was treating it naturally through diet and supplements, it was. Life went on, plates were spinning, and I was balancing everything really well, no worries. Then it became clear that chemo would be needed.
Speaking with other individuals who had similar chemo treatments, I was optimistic that the level of disruption would be nominal, 2 or 3 days max. That was acceptable to me. My life could handle, or more truthfully I could handle that amount of disruption. I would be tired for a couple days and then back to normal life. I planned my treatments accordingly, and had back-up coverage at work to avoid as many conflicts as possible.
Then my first treatment hit. I quickly realized that my body's reaction to chemo would not be like the people I talked to. Out of 10 days, I worked 1/2 of 1 day. The majority of my time was spent sitting in a chair or lying on the couch; mindlessly watching t.v., or reading. I wasn't just tired I was physically and mentally ill - just walking around the block was a huge accomplishment. The mental darkness and depression, side effects of the steroids, is something I've never experienced, and the lack of energy, nausea, and dehydration caused by the other flu-like side effects was equally distressing. Joe had to take off work. My parents drove in on the weekend to help, and my co-workers had to pick up my slack. My plates had come crashing down and I had lost all my sticks. A very humbling experience for me, I couldn't "do" anything. My second treatment has been similar to the first.
There is a commonly used phrase that exists which states, "God will never give you more than you can handle." I don't agree with this statement. In fact, I believe the opposite is true. God will allow things in life that will be more than we can handle because we run the risk of believing we are so self-sufficient that we feel we don't need anybody, or more specifically, God. We also run the risk of taking pride in this self-reliance and equating our worth with our accomplishments. I am guilty of all of the above.
I'm not saying I'm happy about this, but I can say that through this I'm learning and continue to be refined and shaped. If you are like me and fight these times of struggle, take a moment and pray. It could be that God is using this struggle we can't handle to make us drop to our knees, humble ourselves, and cry out for help.
As I'm preparing for my third treatment this Thursday I've begrudgingly accepted the fact that the 10 days following will be more than I can handle. I pray that God will grant me the strength to continue treatment and ask continuously for Him to give me faith when I am discouraged and doubting.
Lord please meet me when the darkness comes...
"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
Humility is defined as:
A modest or low view of one's own importance; humbleness.
Synonyms include: modest, meekness, unassertiveness, lack of pride, servility, etc.
Meekness, unassertiveness, lack of pride, servility... I don't like those words. They don't sit particularly well with me. I've always prided myself in being independent. Strong, capable, able to accomplish and do whatever I wish; a "strong" woman.
Being a person who struggles with type A tendencies that can turn quickly into being overbearing, controlling, and impatient taking more things on that I should comes naturally to me. I'm a "doer," so I naturally don't feel like anything is too much. I'm unaccustomed to lethargy, loathe taking naps, and according to Joe have the wrong definition of down time. To quote someone very dear to me, I naturally can fall into the "me do" mentality. My view has always been, hand me the plate and I'll find the stick to spin it with. If need be, I'll make the stick myself.
And I truly thought cancer would be just another plate for me to spin. While I was treating it naturally through diet and supplements, it was. Life went on, plates were spinning, and I was balancing everything really well, no worries. Then it became clear that chemo would be needed.
Speaking with other individuals who had similar chemo treatments, I was optimistic that the level of disruption would be nominal, 2 or 3 days max. That was acceptable to me. My life could handle, or more truthfully I could handle that amount of disruption. I would be tired for a couple days and then back to normal life. I planned my treatments accordingly, and had back-up coverage at work to avoid as many conflicts as possible.
Then my first treatment hit. I quickly realized that my body's reaction to chemo would not be like the people I talked to. Out of 10 days, I worked 1/2 of 1 day. The majority of my time was spent sitting in a chair or lying on the couch; mindlessly watching t.v., or reading. I wasn't just tired I was physically and mentally ill - just walking around the block was a huge accomplishment. The mental darkness and depression, side effects of the steroids, is something I've never experienced, and the lack of energy, nausea, and dehydration caused by the other flu-like side effects was equally distressing. Joe had to take off work. My parents drove in on the weekend to help, and my co-workers had to pick up my slack. My plates had come crashing down and I had lost all my sticks. A very humbling experience for me, I couldn't "do" anything. My second treatment has been similar to the first.
There is a commonly used phrase that exists which states, "God will never give you more than you can handle." I don't agree with this statement. In fact, I believe the opposite is true. God will allow things in life that will be more than we can handle because we run the risk of believing we are so self-sufficient that we feel we don't need anybody, or more specifically, God. We also run the risk of taking pride in this self-reliance and equating our worth with our accomplishments. I am guilty of all of the above.
I'm not saying I'm happy about this, but I can say that through this I'm learning and continue to be refined and shaped. If you are like me and fight these times of struggle, take a moment and pray. It could be that God is using this struggle we can't handle to make us drop to our knees, humble ourselves, and cry out for help.
As I'm preparing for my third treatment this Thursday I've begrudgingly accepted the fact that the 10 days following will be more than I can handle. I pray that God will grant me the strength to continue treatment and ask continuously for Him to give me faith when I am discouraged and doubting.
Lord please meet me when the darkness comes...
"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
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Friday, June 5, 2015
And Now There's 4
Even as I'm typing out that title, I'm sobbing. Sobbing because I can't fathom going through this 4 more times. Four more times of boarding a plane, allowing people to inject me full of poison, come home, feel like absolute crap for over a week, and then try to put myself back together again, only to feel back to normal right before I have to go through it again.
To say I've been struggling with a few things the past week and a half is an understatement. If you're reading my blog hoping to be uplifted today, I need to apologize profusely. I'm all out of optimism right now, so maybe it's best you skip this post. To say I'm clinging to hope is an understatement, I'm on the ledge of a choice and it's a steep drop to the bottom.
I've been trying to stay positive through this process - keep telling myself tomorrow will be better. Focus on all the blessings, all the gifts that God has given us through this process, and He has in so many unbelievable ways. We have amazing support from our family, our church, our friends, so many praying. Which is why I feel so bad to feel so bad. What kind of gratitude am I demonstrating? But real is real and right now I'm mad, hurt, scared, and really, really want to revert back to using all those 4 letter words I used to use in circumstances such as these.
So, this morning I've been chatting with God about this - minus the 4 letter words. I've been laying it all out for Him today. How mad at Him I am that I have this. How scared I am about my future. How unfair I think it is to make Joe go through this again. How I feel like a whiny petulant child. How I know that these feelings can change. How I understand that life is about struggles, and that these refine us, etc. etc. and overall just generally beating myself up for feeling the way I'm feeling, etc. And let me tell you, I can turn self-loathing into an art form.
Then this song pops up on my Pandora station just now and causes me to pause and process. I'm not ungrateful or despicable, or any of the other thoughts that were circling around in my head, I'm just in the middle of the struggle and that's ok.
Thought I'd share it for those that are struggling and berating themselves in the process... https://youtu.be/UUEy8nZvpdM
Now I'm not saying everything is currently sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows, but I have stepped back from the ledge, gained some perspective, some hope, and I pray that you will also.
Thank you Lord!
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
To say I've been struggling with a few things the past week and a half is an understatement. If you're reading my blog hoping to be uplifted today, I need to apologize profusely. I'm all out of optimism right now, so maybe it's best you skip this post. To say I'm clinging to hope is an understatement, I'm on the ledge of a choice and it's a steep drop to the bottom.
I've been trying to stay positive through this process - keep telling myself tomorrow will be better. Focus on all the blessings, all the gifts that God has given us through this process, and He has in so many unbelievable ways. We have amazing support from our family, our church, our friends, so many praying. Which is why I feel so bad to feel so bad. What kind of gratitude am I demonstrating? But real is real and right now I'm mad, hurt, scared, and really, really want to revert back to using all those 4 letter words I used to use in circumstances such as these.
So, this morning I've been chatting with God about this - minus the 4 letter words. I've been laying it all out for Him today. How mad at Him I am that I have this. How scared I am about my future. How unfair I think it is to make Joe go through this again. How I feel like a whiny petulant child. How I know that these feelings can change. How I understand that life is about struggles, and that these refine us, etc. etc. and overall just generally beating myself up for feeling the way I'm feeling, etc. And let me tell you, I can turn self-loathing into an art form.
Then this song pops up on my Pandora station just now and causes me to pause and process. I'm not ungrateful or despicable, or any of the other thoughts that were circling around in my head, I'm just in the middle of the struggle and that's ok.
Thought I'd share it for those that are struggling and berating themselves in the process... https://youtu.be/UUEy8nZvpdM
Now I'm not saying everything is currently sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows, but I have stepped back from the ledge, gained some perspective, some hope, and I pray that you will also.
Thank you Lord!
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
And Then There Were 5
I had my first chemo treatment last Tuesday, May 5th. The actual chemo was the easy part, all I did was lay in bed for 8 hours. It's been the last 8 days that have been the most challenging. I would like to say that I was all "Zen" during this time, but truth is, most days I was a sobbing mess; digging into God like an anchor to sand, sometimes being dragged by the tide, sometimes firmly planted. Tossing and turning between hope and despair, I was ready to just be done.
Going through the side effects is an ordeal that I'm not looking forward to repeating. Hoping that next time will be better. However, something happened throughout the past week that I feel I have to share. Something, that I believe, cannot be explained away as coincidence.
A friend of mine (thank you Beth) sent me a text message last Thursday, a passage from the book titled To Live is Christ to Die is Gain by Matt Chandler with Jared Wilson. She said when she read it Wednesday night she immediately thought of me. The message in itself was awesome, but even more amazing was that her text message kept resending itself. Not just once or twice like a glitch, but multiple times not only on Thursday, but throughout this entire week. It came through when I was at my lowest point (yesterday), or at my higher peaks.
For example, yesterday when I was sobbing and telling Joe that I just couldn't take anymore and that dying would be a better option, in came the text. The night previous to that when I was laying in bed, singing, and worshipping God it chimed again. It chimed over and over so often this week that I've lost count. I asked my friend about it, and she had no explanation. In fact, she even deleted it from her phone a few days ago. Yet even today it came in. The following is the excerpt she sent me:
"Rejoice, rejoice, rejoice.
God is big enough,
beautiful enough,
strong enough,
lovely enough,
perfect enough,
sustaining enough in any circumstance.
Wherever you are, He is with you, always."
Going through the side effects is an ordeal that I'm not looking forward to repeating. Hoping that next time will be better. However, something happened throughout the past week that I feel I have to share. Something, that I believe, cannot be explained away as coincidence.
A friend of mine (thank you Beth) sent me a text message last Thursday, a passage from the book titled To Live is Christ to Die is Gain by Matt Chandler with Jared Wilson. She said when she read it Wednesday night she immediately thought of me. The message in itself was awesome, but even more amazing was that her text message kept resending itself. Not just once or twice like a glitch, but multiple times not only on Thursday, but throughout this entire week. It came through when I was at my lowest point (yesterday), or at my higher peaks.
For example, yesterday when I was sobbing and telling Joe that I just couldn't take anymore and that dying would be a better option, in came the text. The night previous to that when I was laying in bed, singing, and worshipping God it chimed again. It chimed over and over so often this week that I've lost count. I asked my friend about it, and she had no explanation. In fact, she even deleted it from her phone a few days ago. Yet even today it came in. The following is the excerpt she sent me:
"Rejoice, rejoice, rejoice.
God is big enough,
beautiful enough,
strong enough,
lovely enough,
perfect enough,
sustaining enough in any circumstance.
Wherever you are, He is with you, always."
~Jared Wilson
Akin to a blinking neon sign, it was a message sent to remind me that no matter what I was feeling at that time He is still He. It doesn't matter what I was experiencing at that moment, He is unchanging. He is as constant in our sorrow as in our joy. What a wonderful gift to be able to trust Him rather than temporal circumstances. He is always enough, My anchor, My God.
"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever." Hebrews 13:8
Friday, May 1, 2015
Paradigm Shift
"Don't worry, have faith." We hear that a lot in Christian circles. "Just have faith", "You need to have faith", etc. I think we hear it or speak it so frequently that sometimes it's just a thing we say during a difficult time. It's become an automatic response, rather than a statement of power.
God has been refining my perspective the past week. Last Sunday He had me crying at a church, in front of people I didn't even know, urging me to accept. Monday He had me conquering fear and anxiety. Tuesday and Wednesday He had me chatting with my women's group about my lack of fear and complete peace with what may come in the future.
Thursday He finished that work so profoundly that I find it difficult to explain. I was worshipping, kneeling down face on the floor, praising God. Words can't express the experience that transpired, but I know unequivocally that my relationship with God was forever changed that morning. I left my house reveling in His power, feeling His strength, emboldened by this new level of faith He has granted me.
This morning I turned on my Kindle and powered up my Bible Gateway App. Up popped my verse of the day, "And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him." Hebrews 11:6
Now, I must confess I haven't read much in Hebrews, but let me tell you, if you're struggling with faith start reading Hebrews. Hebrews 11 has struck me so deeply because it speaks of ordinary humans. Humans like me and you, just living their lives. But because of their faith, not their intelligence, or skill, or job, or education, their faith- their stories live on thousands of years later. Here's pieces of this chapter:
8 By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going. 9 By faith he went to live in the land of promise, as in a foreign land, living in tents with Isaac and Jacob, heirs with him of the same promise. 10 For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God. 11 By faith Sarah herself received power to conceive, even when she was past the age, since she considered him faithful who had promised. 12 Therefore from one man, and him as good as dead, were born descendants as many as the stars of heaven and as many as the innumerable grains of sand by the seashore.
29 By faith the people crossed the Red Sea as on dry land, but the Egyptians, when they attempted to do the same, were drowned. 30 By faith the walls of Jericho fell down after they had been encircled for seven days. 31 By faith Rahab the prostitute did not perish with those who were disobedient, because she had given a friendly welcome to the spies.
So, to recap...By faith Noah and his offspring were saved and chosen as the restart button of our kind. By faith, Abraham left all he knew and because of that generations following flourished in the promised land. By faith, though barren, Sarah conceived a child, which in turn, by faith, were born descendants as many as the stars. By faith Moses led his people out of Egypt, by faith the Red Sea parted and they escaped. By faith the walls of Jericho fell with only some marching and yelling. The list goes on and on.
Because of their faith, God showed up in powerful ways. If you're struggling with a life issue today, I pray that this post gives you encouragement, empowers you to be bolder, and draws you closer to the One Almighty God. All of these people listed above were struggling with something that on their own was insurmountable. Yet each and every one of them witnessed the power of God, by their faith in God.
My take away today? Don't just pray to God about the struggle, pray to God for an increase in the gift of faith. Pray for an increase in the knowledge and the power of the One who created us, lives in us, and loves us.
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:8-9
God has been refining my perspective the past week. Last Sunday He had me crying at a church, in front of people I didn't even know, urging me to accept. Monday He had me conquering fear and anxiety. Tuesday and Wednesday He had me chatting with my women's group about my lack of fear and complete peace with what may come in the future.
Thursday He finished that work so profoundly that I find it difficult to explain. I was worshipping, kneeling down face on the floor, praising God. Words can't express the experience that transpired, but I know unequivocally that my relationship with God was forever changed that morning. I left my house reveling in His power, feeling His strength, emboldened by this new level of faith He has granted me.
This morning I turned on my Kindle and powered up my Bible Gateway App. Up popped my verse of the day, "And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him." Hebrews 11:6
Now, I must confess I haven't read much in Hebrews, but let me tell you, if you're struggling with faith start reading Hebrews. Hebrews 11 has struck me so deeply because it speaks of ordinary humans. Humans like me and you, just living their lives. But because of their faith, not their intelligence, or skill, or job, or education, their faith- their stories live on thousands of years later. Here's pieces of this chapter:
11 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. 2 For by it the people of old received their commendation. 3 By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible.
4 By faith Abel offered to God a more acceptable sacrifice than Cain, through which he was commended as righteous, God commending him by accepting his gifts. And through his faith, though he died, he still speaks. 5 By faith Enoch was taken up so that he should not see death, and he was not found, because God had taken him. Now before he was taken he was commended as having pleased God. 6 And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him. 7 By faith Noah, being warned by God concerning events as yet unseen, in reverent fear constructed an ark for the saving of his household. By this he condemned the world and became an heir of the righteousness that comes by faith.8 By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going. 9 By faith he went to live in the land of promise, as in a foreign land, living in tents with Isaac and Jacob, heirs with him of the same promise. 10 For he was looking forward to the city that has foundations, whose designer and builder is God. 11 By faith Sarah herself received power to conceive, even when she was past the age, since she considered him faithful who had promised. 12 Therefore from one man, and him as good as dead, were born descendants as many as the stars of heaven and as many as the innumerable grains of sand by the seashore.
29 By faith the people crossed the Red Sea as on dry land, but the Egyptians, when they attempted to do the same, were drowned. 30 By faith the walls of Jericho fell down after they had been encircled for seven days. 31 By faith Rahab the prostitute did not perish with those who were disobedient, because she had given a friendly welcome to the spies.
So, to recap...By faith Noah and his offspring were saved and chosen as the restart button of our kind. By faith, Abraham left all he knew and because of that generations following flourished in the promised land. By faith, though barren, Sarah conceived a child, which in turn, by faith, were born descendants as many as the stars. By faith Moses led his people out of Egypt, by faith the Red Sea parted and they escaped. By faith the walls of Jericho fell with only some marching and yelling. The list goes on and on.
Because of their faith, God showed up in powerful ways. If you're struggling with a life issue today, I pray that this post gives you encouragement, empowers you to be bolder, and draws you closer to the One Almighty God. All of these people listed above were struggling with something that on their own was insurmountable. Yet each and every one of them witnessed the power of God, by their faith in God.
My take away today? Don't just pray to God about the struggle, pray to God for an increase in the gift of faith. Pray for an increase in the knowledge and the power of the One who created us, lives in us, and loves us.
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast." Ephesians 2:8-9
Sunday, April 26, 2015
A Matter of Perspective
As I'm sitting facing the oncologist at Cancer Treatment Centers of America, I am forced to come to terms with something I was hoping to avoid. Chemo. I know for most it probably seems somewhat matter of fact. A (you have cancer) + B (you need treatment) = C (chemo). If you have been following my blog, then you know that I was hoping and praying to be able to treat this without the use of chemo or radiation. Apparently this is not going to be possible.
I have a few factors that have tipped the scales....
1. Triple positive breast cancer is more aggressive
2. The younger you are, the more aggressive breast cancer is in general
3. Unsure if tumor has gotten larger or just changed shape due to biopsy
4. According to MRI, there's been no involvement of lymph nodes, etc.
5. They believe it has not spread...yet. But the nature of my tumor will unless treated, possibly quickly
And so I was confronted with the fears of my research. I guess sometimes you can know too much. Side effects, long term prognosis, recurrence. I know for most, chemo is thought of as a life saving drug. And to be sure it has saved lives, for some at a cost. But for me, it's been a fear hovering in the background. Listening to the doctor talk strategies, I begin to tear up. There are 2. One is crazy harsh, the other, less so. So, we can start with the latter and if that doesn't work, then we'll have to bring in the heavy artillery. I am somewhat aware that logic is walking out of the building at this point, but I just cannot chase it down.
So has the doctor, but instead of being annoyed she is patient. Somewhat surprised, but patient as I begin to list out my fears; congestive heart failure, chemo causing future cancers, side effects, early menopause. Fears spilling out more and more tears she hands me a box of tissues, waits, and listens. Finally all talked out, she examines me. More tears, more reassurances. She knows I'm not ready to make this decision. But instead of pushing the issue, she talks about anxiety and a change of perspective. She hugs me and leaves, giving me a few minutes to dress before the Naturopathic doctor comes in.
I excuse myself and head to the bathroom. Make it before I lose all control. Sobbing I have a quick conversation with God...
Me: Am I really supposed to have this?
God: ...
Me: Okay, Lord if this is what's next, then prevent my fear from making another decision. Prevent me from running from the very thing that any rational person can see I need to do. Prevent me from responding to the fear.
I had a much different perspective of how this went down until a few minutes ago. I didn't see the compassion the doctor showed me. I didn't recognize the care in her actions, the gentleness, the truth. Honestly, didn't notice any of that until I've been typing it. All I saw was something being forced on me that I didn't want to do. I saw nothing beneficial.
How often do we run from Truth? How often are we not able to see the benefit in a given situation?
We got to listen to our friend Ricky preach today. My plight running in the back of my mind, I sat listening. There was a specific statement that particularly resonated with me. Of course, I wish that I could remember it word for word, but I can't. (sorry Ricky) All I can remember is: God wants what's beneficial for us. (or something like that) Side note: Beneficial does not necessarily equate to what we believe would make us happy. Anyone who tries to tell you it does, isn't speaking truth.
I knew my perspective needed a shift.
I'm left with having to confess the truth...many things that occurred during my visit to Cancer Treatment Center were beneficial. The less aggressive chemo option and extended delivery, beneficial. The supplements to fend off side effects, heart problems, beneficial. All my docs; surgeon, naturopath, and dietician, beneficial. My radiation oncologist who let me pepper her with questions regarding her bout with breast cancer, beneficial. The MRI that showed no spread to lymph nodes, beneficial. Our financial advisor who informed us that the 3 days of visits would probably cost us nothing, beneficial. Free airfare for consultations, beneficial. Free meals and lodging, beneficial.
Presently being reminded about my last post, and feeling humbled. What a great reminder of how self-focused we can be when pain is applied.
Thank you Lord for a new perspective!
I have a few factors that have tipped the scales....
1. Triple positive breast cancer is more aggressive
2. The younger you are, the more aggressive breast cancer is in general
3. Unsure if tumor has gotten larger or just changed shape due to biopsy
4. According to MRI, there's been no involvement of lymph nodes, etc.
5. They believe it has not spread...yet. But the nature of my tumor will unless treated, possibly quickly
And so I was confronted with the fears of my research. I guess sometimes you can know too much. Side effects, long term prognosis, recurrence. I know for most, chemo is thought of as a life saving drug. And to be sure it has saved lives, for some at a cost. But for me, it's been a fear hovering in the background. Listening to the doctor talk strategies, I begin to tear up. There are 2. One is crazy harsh, the other, less so. So, we can start with the latter and if that doesn't work, then we'll have to bring in the heavy artillery. I am somewhat aware that logic is walking out of the building at this point, but I just cannot chase it down.
So has the doctor, but instead of being annoyed she is patient. Somewhat surprised, but patient as I begin to list out my fears; congestive heart failure, chemo causing future cancers, side effects, early menopause. Fears spilling out more and more tears she hands me a box of tissues, waits, and listens. Finally all talked out, she examines me. More tears, more reassurances. She knows I'm not ready to make this decision. But instead of pushing the issue, she talks about anxiety and a change of perspective. She hugs me and leaves, giving me a few minutes to dress before the Naturopathic doctor comes in.
I excuse myself and head to the bathroom. Make it before I lose all control. Sobbing I have a quick conversation with God...
Me: Am I really supposed to have this?
God: ...
Me: Okay, Lord if this is what's next, then prevent my fear from making another decision. Prevent me from running from the very thing that any rational person can see I need to do. Prevent me from responding to the fear.
I had a much different perspective of how this went down until a few minutes ago. I didn't see the compassion the doctor showed me. I didn't recognize the care in her actions, the gentleness, the truth. Honestly, didn't notice any of that until I've been typing it. All I saw was something being forced on me that I didn't want to do. I saw nothing beneficial.
How often do we run from Truth? How often are we not able to see the benefit in a given situation?
We got to listen to our friend Ricky preach today. My plight running in the back of my mind, I sat listening. There was a specific statement that particularly resonated with me. Of course, I wish that I could remember it word for word, but I can't. (sorry Ricky) All I can remember is: God wants what's beneficial for us. (or something like that) Side note: Beneficial does not necessarily equate to what we believe would make us happy. Anyone who tries to tell you it does, isn't speaking truth.
I knew my perspective needed a shift.
I'm left with having to confess the truth...many things that occurred during my visit to Cancer Treatment Center were beneficial. The less aggressive chemo option and extended delivery, beneficial. The supplements to fend off side effects, heart problems, beneficial. All my docs; surgeon, naturopath, and dietician, beneficial. My radiation oncologist who let me pepper her with questions regarding her bout with breast cancer, beneficial. The MRI that showed no spread to lymph nodes, beneficial. Our financial advisor who informed us that the 3 days of visits would probably cost us nothing, beneficial. Free airfare for consultations, beneficial. Free meals and lodging, beneficial.
Presently being reminded about my last post, and feeling humbled. What a great reminder of how self-focused we can be when pain is applied.
Thank you Lord for a new perspective!
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