I know that many of you have been wondering where we're at in the treatment plan so
I wanted to take a moment before I go for treatment this week and give a quick update on how things are going.
First of all, I can't say enough about the outpouring of love and support that everyone has given us. I know that we have been covered in prayer, and I know that God has been with me during my treatments and recovery. I feel very blessed that I've had minimal issues/reactions during my chemo treatments and my recovery has been eased greatly.
This week marks my 4th round of chemo. My visit to CTCA is still 3 days. During the course of my stay I see my oncologist, Dr. Neelam. I also see my Naturopath, Nutritionist, and Accupuncturist. I also schedule Reiki and massage as well. I believe Dr. Neelam is pleased with what is going on thus far in my treatment, but she is reserved in her demeanor.
Is treatment working?
What I know for sure is the tumor is shrinking and is barely palpable. In fact, during my last visit Dr. Neelam mentioned we may just be feeling scar tissue at this point. There is a little concern about a couple of bumps behind my ear that we are watching to see if they are possible tumors. It's difficult to say, because I do get bumps all over my head after chemo, and we're not sure if these were there previously, if they've grown since treatment, etc, but they haven't gone away as of yet.
What happens next?
Well, this round is same as before. I'll go in, get all my alternative treatments, sit 6-7 hours for my chemo/biological treatments, get my Neulasta shot, and then Mom and I will be on our respective ways home.
My 6th, and hopefully final, treatment will be a bigger deal. This is the visit where we will see if I need to continue with more aggressive chemo or if my tumor is dead. I'll have a whole round of scans before chemo to determine if it's spread anywhere, etc. If tumor is dead, then this will be my final round of chemo, huzzah! Pray that we hear good news, especially about these little bumps behind my ear!!
When does surgery happen?
If tumor is dead, then it will be on to surgery at some point, typically about 6 weeks after this final round of chemo. If it's not, well I'm not focusing on that... only sunshine, lollypops, and rainbows allowed in this camp.
Surgery options haven't really been discussed as of yet in any kind of detail. It depends on what we see in the scans. I've been praying for wisdom in deciding which way to go. Basically there's two options, mastectomy or lumpectomy. The good news is that I am BRCA negative (the high risk genetic markers for breast cancer) so my options are a little less cut and dry, no pun intended.
Depending on which surgery I need and lymph node involvement, radiation may be required as well. If I have a lumpectomy radiation is a definite, mastectomy not necessarily. There's research out there that looks at outcomes long term and outcomes/recurrence rates are very similar.
What other treatments will I need this year?
Firstly, my biological treatments will continue until May 2016. Which means that I will be getting Herceptin and possibly Perjeta every 3 weeks via my port. These biological therapies which are given in conjunction with my chemo treatments block HER2 receptors in the tumor and stops the cells from dividing and growing. They need to be administered for a full year for the best outcome.
Along with these two HER2 therapies, I will also need targeted hormone therapies as well. These therapies will block the estrogen/progesterone receptors as well as decrease the amount of hormones I have floating around in body. Tamoxifen is the therapy that is most commonly prescribed, especially because of my age, however Tamoxifen has some pretty heavy potential side effects. There are other alternatives, sadly no herbal treatments, but there are some that are less damaging to the body. I've been discussing options with my oncologist, including an Oophorectomy (removal of the ovaries) in order to decrease the amount of estrogen and progesterone my body makes, thus giving me other treatment options.
Whatever medication I am on, I will be taking it for at least 5 years, maybe more. I'm not happy about it, but there isn't another option.
How are we doing?
We're doing ok for the most part. The past 2 treatments have been much better side effect wise. I'm usually down for a full week after I get home, breathless and weak for most of that time, but other than that not bad. I have begun retaining fluid and have to spend some time with my legs elevated during the weeks in between treatments, but all in all I'll take that any day over the first 2 treatments. I was scared that it was a sign of heart damage (a possibility of my chemo treatments), but after speaking with CTCA they believe that it's just a side effect of my chemo. We'll know more after tomorrow.
I would say currently the challenging thing is maintaining a positive attitude and outlook at times and not allow worry,concern, doubt, fear, to control our thoughts. For Joe, the spirit of depression has also been a challenge, sometimes in the background and sometimes in the forefront depending on the day. It's painful to watch him go through that and not be able to "fix it." It's something he has struggled with off and on during his life. We're looking at options to help and continue to pray against it.
So that's it, basically. We pray and wait, hopeful for a happy outcome. Again, thank you for your comments, prayers, cards, gifts, hugs, and time. We feel so loved and blessed by you all.
"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer" ~ Romans 12:12
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Truth Seeking
So tonight before I thought I was going to sleep, I grabbed my Kindle and opened up my Bible Gateway app. and for some reason I ask Joe if he would like me to read aloud. I began reading my verse of the day: Isaiah 41:10
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
I open up the verse and continue reading aloud, Chapter 41, 42, 43 - reading my husband to sleep. Verse after verse I continue reading out loud as my husband sleeps next to me. As I'm reading, I'm aware that my voice gets stronger and my soul is digging in - like I was walking on loose gravel and suddenly found pavement. It's a footing that I didn't even know I needed, I felt emotionally awesome even before I began reading.
I struggle to find the appropriate words to describe this feeling, without using Christian speak about it. Yes I felt my heart stirring, but it's more than that. I feel the power of the words begin to fill my heart with a certainty of truth; that what I am reading is rooted in an unalterable truth, absolute, grounded.
As a truth seeker I am finally home. Most people don't know this about me, but Christianity was the last in a long line of religious contemplation and philosophical exploration. By the time I was 20, I wasn't completely sure there was a "God." After spending a brief period of time being an Agnostic, I concluded that there was a God, or Supreme Being of some sort; so I went on a quest to find my truth. I went on a search to find a religion that I felt I could follow and agree with wholeheartedly. What began in my college years, continued on into my late 20's and early 30's. I looked into many different religions/systems of belief including in no certain order:
Hinduism Buddhism Sikhism
Taoism Shinto Jainism
Judaism Baha'i Islam
Sahaj Marg Gnosticism Unitarian Universalist
In every single one of these I would come across something that I couldn't get past. Either something just didn't quite make sense to me, or it's own belief system argued against itself. And so, I was just hanging out in this "no man's land" of spirituality, where I threw up my hands and decided that it doesn't really matter what you believe, it's all basically/fundamentally the same. The concept of absolute truth is non-existent as everyone who holds a belief believes that what they believe is the truth absolute to his/her perspective. And so, I just floated around and basically created my own relative truths about what to believe, right and wrong, etc. I debated with Christian believers that struck up conversations with me at parties who felt it their calling to question me about the "state of my soul."
Truth be told of all the religious people I spoke to regarding their faith, which were many, I enjoyed my conversations with Christians the most, because of their lack of knowledge of the history or background of the creation of their religion. I come from a Christian background/family, so I knew the basic premise. I could verbally debate with any Christian who dared to begin a conversation about the destination of my soul. I knew all the intellectual/post modernist responses to many of the typical Christian points, could stomp most of their arguments into the ground, point out all the theological issues, including the pagan rituals that have been woven in, compare Catholic Saints with other polytheistic belief systems, etc. I basically made it my mission to get them to see the truth about religion and I was ruthless. In my opinion, one could get no further from Absolute Truth than the Christian faith. Oh yeah, I was a blast at parties, let me tell you...
God is not without a sense of humor. I am not without a certain amount of stubbornness. My struggle to accept Jesus as Truth was heartbreaking, world altering, and character changing - thank God. Thank God that He is a God that honors seeking, doesn't take doubt or disbelief personally, cleans our slate, and yearns for a relationship with us.
I do not deserve to call him Father. Do not deserve to ask Him for anything. Yet, just like a loving parent, He knew my underlying heart, understood my desire for Truth, and with love, patiently waited until I was ready to begin a conversation. He forgave me before I even understood that I needed to ask.
I'm telling you that no one is more surprised than I am that I'm a Christian. I've begun to understand just because there is Absolute Truth that we can tangibly feel and know to be certain of, doesn't mean that we always have tangible answers to all life's quandaries. That's the most challenging thing for me.
If you yourself are a seeker and some of my past mimics your own experiences, I welcome a chat. I promise I won't try and "save your soul" or make up an answer to something I don't know. In truth, I'm a baby Christian, young in my faith, but God has equipped me with a fast processor. He's surrounded me with unbelievable brothers and sisters in Christ who are knowledgeable in deep relationship with Him, and gave me an amazing journey of faith that I don't deserve to have experienced. I know without a doubt that He is the Truth and the Light, the Alpha and Omega, The Way.
"Jesus said to him, 'I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me." ~ John 14:6
9“So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 10“For everyone who asks, receives; and he who seeks, finds; and to him who knocks, it will be opened. ~Luke 11:9-10
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
I open up the verse and continue reading aloud, Chapter 41, 42, 43 - reading my husband to sleep. Verse after verse I continue reading out loud as my husband sleeps next to me. As I'm reading, I'm aware that my voice gets stronger and my soul is digging in - like I was walking on loose gravel and suddenly found pavement. It's a footing that I didn't even know I needed, I felt emotionally awesome even before I began reading.
I struggle to find the appropriate words to describe this feeling, without using Christian speak about it. Yes I felt my heart stirring, but it's more than that. I feel the power of the words begin to fill my heart with a certainty of truth; that what I am reading is rooted in an unalterable truth, absolute, grounded.
As a truth seeker I am finally home. Most people don't know this about me, but Christianity was the last in a long line of religious contemplation and philosophical exploration. By the time I was 20, I wasn't completely sure there was a "God." After spending a brief period of time being an Agnostic, I concluded that there was a God, or Supreme Being of some sort; so I went on a quest to find my truth. I went on a search to find a religion that I felt I could follow and agree with wholeheartedly. What began in my college years, continued on into my late 20's and early 30's. I looked into many different religions/systems of belief including in no certain order:
Hinduism Buddhism Sikhism
Taoism Shinto Jainism
Judaism Baha'i Islam
Sahaj Marg Gnosticism Unitarian Universalist
In every single one of these I would come across something that I couldn't get past. Either something just didn't quite make sense to me, or it's own belief system argued against itself. And so, I was just hanging out in this "no man's land" of spirituality, where I threw up my hands and decided that it doesn't really matter what you believe, it's all basically/fundamentally the same. The concept of absolute truth is non-existent as everyone who holds a belief believes that what they believe is the truth absolute to his/her perspective. And so, I just floated around and basically created my own relative truths about what to believe, right and wrong, etc. I debated with Christian believers that struck up conversations with me at parties who felt it their calling to question me about the "state of my soul."
Truth be told of all the religious people I spoke to regarding their faith, which were many, I enjoyed my conversations with Christians the most, because of their lack of knowledge of the history or background of the creation of their religion. I come from a Christian background/family, so I knew the basic premise. I could verbally debate with any Christian who dared to begin a conversation about the destination of my soul. I knew all the intellectual/post modernist responses to many of the typical Christian points, could stomp most of their arguments into the ground, point out all the theological issues, including the pagan rituals that have been woven in, compare Catholic Saints with other polytheistic belief systems, etc. I basically made it my mission to get them to see the truth about religion and I was ruthless. In my opinion, one could get no further from Absolute Truth than the Christian faith. Oh yeah, I was a blast at parties, let me tell you...
God is not without a sense of humor. I am not without a certain amount of stubbornness. My struggle to accept Jesus as Truth was heartbreaking, world altering, and character changing - thank God. Thank God that He is a God that honors seeking, doesn't take doubt or disbelief personally, cleans our slate, and yearns for a relationship with us.
I do not deserve to call him Father. Do not deserve to ask Him for anything. Yet, just like a loving parent, He knew my underlying heart, understood my desire for Truth, and with love, patiently waited until I was ready to begin a conversation. He forgave me before I even understood that I needed to ask.
I'm telling you that no one is more surprised than I am that I'm a Christian. I've begun to understand just because there is Absolute Truth that we can tangibly feel and know to be certain of, doesn't mean that we always have tangible answers to all life's quandaries. That's the most challenging thing for me.
If you yourself are a seeker and some of my past mimics your own experiences, I welcome a chat. I promise I won't try and "save your soul" or make up an answer to something I don't know. In truth, I'm a baby Christian, young in my faith, but God has equipped me with a fast processor. He's surrounded me with unbelievable brothers and sisters in Christ who are knowledgeable in deep relationship with Him, and gave me an amazing journey of faith that I don't deserve to have experienced. I know without a doubt that He is the Truth and the Light, the Alpha and Omega, The Way.
"Jesus said to him, 'I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me." ~ John 14:6
9“So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 10“For everyone who asks, receives; and he who seeks, finds; and to him who knocks, it will be opened. ~Luke 11:9-10
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Living Authentically
It's the eve of my departure to CTCA and I'm supposed to be sleeping right now because I have to leave at 4 am for my flight. I'm more than a little bit nervous writing on this topic but I can't stop the nagging feeling that it needs to be done...
Living authentically, I know it's been quite a buzz word in many circles; be who you are, etc. I guess this post may come off as offensive to some, or maybe judgmental, but I think it's time that we as Christians live authentically as Christians. What does that mean? Well in my opinion, this means rather than trying to find the loop hole for whatever we know we shouldn't be doing, we repent and ask God to help us with it. Living authentically means that we bring whatever is dark in us, to the light and let God, in His perfect way, heal it and shape us into who He created us to be.
This doesn't mean that you have to start a blog or make it national news. But it does mean that you need to start talking to God about it, and maybe/eventually sharing it with someone you trust. Compartmentalizing your faith, or rationalizing away what needs addressed in your life not only hurts you and the ones that share life with you, but also tarnishes our faith for those who aren't believers. In other words, don't profess to be a follower of Christ and then expect not to have to change. It's not possible, we as humans are flawed. I, as human, am flawed.
I love this passage in 1 Timothy 6:11-12
"But flee from these things, you man of God, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, perseverance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of faith; take hold of the eternal life to which you were called, and you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses. "
We should at least strive for righteousness, etc., and then acknowledge when we fail and fall short. As Christians, the way we live life should look different. The way we handle crisis, hard times, finances, our work, disagreements, our relationships with others, it should all be different, we should be different, and that difference should be apparent in all aspects of our life.
God has changed me so much in the past 5 years and He continues to work on me. It's interesting to speak with people who didn't know me before I became a Christian. Sometimes they just think I've always been the person I am now. I think that's common for people on the outside looking at us, because they haven't been witness to the transformation as it was taking place; as God was working something out. They only see the final result. Which begs the questions, maybe we aren't as open about our failings and God's work, as we should be?
Personally, I think it's really important for us as Christians to be real about who we used to be, and who we are now as a follower of Christ. About a month ago I was having a conversation with a friend on this very topic. Without getting into a lengthy discussion about it, I mentioned a little about who I used to be. That when I was angry I would curse worse than anyone I've ever heard - the f bomb being my go to word. I was hard-hearted in many ways, selfish, and placed my self-worth entirely on status and my career, oh and I was prideful, just to name a few things. I didn't realize any of this though, until I gave my life to God, and started striving for what He wanted instead of what I thought I needed.
I did this not to boast about how awesome I am, but to help my friend understand that we all come before God flawed. However, if we are willing, He will refine those things in us that need to be changed. He loves us that much! We just need to ask, be real, accountable, and be talking to God. He will do the work.
For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 1:6
Living authentically, I know it's been quite a buzz word in many circles; be who you are, etc. I guess this post may come off as offensive to some, or maybe judgmental, but I think it's time that we as Christians live authentically as Christians. What does that mean? Well in my opinion, this means rather than trying to find the loop hole for whatever we know we shouldn't be doing, we repent and ask God to help us with it. Living authentically means that we bring whatever is dark in us, to the light and let God, in His perfect way, heal it and shape us into who He created us to be.
This doesn't mean that you have to start a blog or make it national news. But it does mean that you need to start talking to God about it, and maybe/eventually sharing it with someone you trust. Compartmentalizing your faith, or rationalizing away what needs addressed in your life not only hurts you and the ones that share life with you, but also tarnishes our faith for those who aren't believers. In other words, don't profess to be a follower of Christ and then expect not to have to change. It's not possible, we as humans are flawed. I, as human, am flawed.
I love this passage in 1 Timothy 6:11-12
"But flee from these things, you man of God, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, perseverance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of faith; take hold of the eternal life to which you were called, and you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses. "
We should at least strive for righteousness, etc., and then acknowledge when we fail and fall short. As Christians, the way we live life should look different. The way we handle crisis, hard times, finances, our work, disagreements, our relationships with others, it should all be different, we should be different, and that difference should be apparent in all aspects of our life.
God has changed me so much in the past 5 years and He continues to work on me. It's interesting to speak with people who didn't know me before I became a Christian. Sometimes they just think I've always been the person I am now. I think that's common for people on the outside looking at us, because they haven't been witness to the transformation as it was taking place; as God was working something out. They only see the final result. Which begs the questions, maybe we aren't as open about our failings and God's work, as we should be?
Personally, I think it's really important for us as Christians to be real about who we used to be, and who we are now as a follower of Christ. About a month ago I was having a conversation with a friend on this very topic. Without getting into a lengthy discussion about it, I mentioned a little about who I used to be. That when I was angry I would curse worse than anyone I've ever heard - the f bomb being my go to word. I was hard-hearted in many ways, selfish, and placed my self-worth entirely on status and my career, oh and I was prideful, just to name a few things. I didn't realize any of this though, until I gave my life to God, and started striving for what He wanted instead of what I thought I needed.
I did this not to boast about how awesome I am, but to help my friend understand that we all come before God flawed. However, if we are willing, He will refine those things in us that need to be changed. He loves us that much! We just need to ask, be real, accountable, and be talking to God. He will do the work.
For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 1:6
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